Cold Darkness, The Final Chapter....

I laid there trying to be still, hold my breath, I threw the candles onto the fabric.

As the flames began to grow, bigger and bigger, my heart pounded harder and faster as I watched that vile bastard descend into my pit of doom, into this prison he put me in.  I was hiding as he searched for me frantically with his eyes as he screamed out my name and other derogatory words at me.

His voice ripped through my mind, my ears and my body as if it were a sharp dagger. 

In that moment I stood up, stood tall, as if there was no fire growing around us, I stood there and looked at him.  He stopped his rantings and screaming and just starred at me with his eyes full of hatred, vengeance and pure evil.

I walked towards him with my hands holding a blanket around my body, concealing the one thing that would get me out of here, the antique lantern. 

As we stood there in silence now, which seemed like for hours, I finally began to speak…

I know the truth, I know what you have done, I know about all the little boys you have molested, have kidnapped and have killed.  I know you think you have won, that I will die here today, by your hands.  You want some more truth?  You were home free, you could have gotten away with all of these murders, until you pushed me to remember what you did. You see I did not remember any of it until you pushed me into this hell hole.  You are nothing more than a coward, a weak individual whom can’t satisfy anyone, no, you have to resort to taking someone against their will, you have to rape and molest to get off.  Tell me is it because you have no bragging rights? The gods were not kind to you?

 

He started to shake his head, and as he tried to speak, my voice now filled this fiery hole.  I was now shouting at him… See your handy work…here it is, all of it.  Are you proud you sick son of a bitch?  Guess what I do not care!  I am now gonna climb up that ladder to my life, to my freedom.  You are not going to touch me, or even move.  You see there is no more freedom for you, you are in your own hell, of your own making. 

I began to climb the ladder, and as I was close to the top, close to the upper level he grabbed my legs.  His grip on me was strong, I tried to kick him loose, I screamed for my life.  Somehow I managed to turn myself enough to look at him, look at him in the eyes, and as I did I exposed a shard of glass from the lantern.  It happened so fast, my body was full of adrenaline, As I raised my left hand with the glass in it, he reached again and again at me and as he did so, I saw my right leg free itself from his clutches.  In that second I kicked him in the face, his nose began to bleed as his hands seemed to loosen their grip my left hand swung across his chest and then it stopped.  The glass was in him, and I hastily turned around and began to climb up again.  As he made his way up to my feet, I felt his grasp on me, and as he grabbed me, I felt hands grabbing mine.  The hands were strong and as I was being pulled out of depths of hell, I kicked him.  He yelled out in pain, and as I quickly turned to him, he fell backwards into the flames. 

As I got up the ladder and ran with the person to the last remaining trap door above us, I looked at the person ahead of me.  It was a man. It was him.  It was JT.

We climbed up and out of the orchestra pit.  The flames were now spreading up the ladder from down below.  We ran towards the doors…as we flung them open, the daylight blinded me from the outside, the sun was so bright, and there was snow falling all around us.  As my sight adjusted to the brightness, I looked ahead of me at the man before me.  It was JT.  I knew he would find me.  He always did.

He walked to me, with his arms open and embraced me, pulling me close to him.  Looking down at me, with those eyes I have known my whole life.  I starred at him, standing there in his warmth, not even noticing how cold it was all around us.  We just stood there embracing each other.

He pulled back a little and said… You have always had my heart.  I love you deeply.  I would move heaven and earth to find you.  I would search through time for you.

As I looked at him, my eyes full of tears, smiling at him… I replied with…

I love you.

There was sirens blaring, lights flashing, men running towards us, cops, firefighters, and then I saw my Mother and Father.

As we ran towards each other, I knew I was safe now, safe forever. 

After a few days in the hospital, giving my statement to multiple cops, the sheriff, the FBI, I was ready to go home.  The fire marshal had informed us there was nothing in the pits, except for the burned antique lantern.  Somehow it has survived the fire.  There was no body to be found, it was concluded that he had burned to ashes.  As no one could have survived that fire. 

  

Cold Darkness, Chapter 14

I lay there, holding my breath, sweat dripping down from my brow.  He keeps yelling my name, he's above me now up on the stage by the orchestra pit.

CHRIS, MY SWEET INNOCENT COUSIN...  ANSWER ME, I SAID ANSWER ME DAMMIT!

I continued to lay in silence praying and hoping he would take the bait and descend into this cold darkness.

I hear scuffling noises, something loud hit the stage, then a dragging like sound that was like nails on a chalkboard.  Oh my god, is that some light shining down in here?  Finally he has opened the trap door high above me!  Tears start to gather in my eyes, as I'm elated at the very thought of seeing daylight again, or at least the possibility of it again.  The thought of seeing my family again...

Meanwhile in another part of the city, Chris's parents are gathered at their home with the Police Chief, and dozens of other police and family and friends. They are discussing the ground they have covered in their search efforts since discovering that Chris never boarded his plane that was bound for Paris.  They called JT who was suppose to be meeting him there.  JT was arriving at any time to join the search.  As it has now been 5.5 days that Chris has gone missing.

JT arrives and they all head out again to search.

DAMMMMM YOU CHRIS, I'M COMING FOR YOU!

Tyler began to climb down the ladder, swearing and yelling in circles. I tried to make out what he was saying, he was now in the orchestra pit above me, he's getting closer.
With frantic movements above me, more light flickering between the floor boards above, one by one he was removing them quickly, throwing them across the pit.  The light was glorious to be seen, it was now streaming down into this cold darkness offering a feeling of freedom I never thought I would see or feel ever again.

The ladder began to lower and then I saw them, a pair of feet appeared on the top rung.

This was it, this was either the end of me or the freedom I so desperately desired.

Cold Darkness, Chapter 13

No sure how many days have passed since the bastard was here last. My water and bread he left for me is running low and I'm down to 2 candles.  I am ready for him.  Now every time I close my eyes all I see is his face, his hands, the cold dead look in his eyes and the disgusting expression he had on his face that night at the Halloween party and again at Christmas.  I used to admire him, he was older, cool, cute, walked with confidence, dressed well.  He was always nice to me, but now I'm analyzing each and every exchange we've ever had, looking for clues and hints, how did I not see this?  I didn't I know?  Or remember until now?  Did my parents know?  What happened to me that night in the bathroom, and again at Christmas? 

How many times did he molest me?  Or did he?  Can I even trust my own memories? My intuition is saying I need to listen to myself, all the answers are inside of me and in all those articles I found.  He's been raping and murdering for years.  HE NEEDS TO BE STOPPED.

I began to doze off, not sure how long I was asleep for, or what time it is?  If it's day or night?

The footsteps were faint at first, but seemed to be getting closer, as they did I got ready, as it was now or never.  I wanted out of this nightmare, out of this cold darkness.

As I hid in the darkness holding my breath in much anticipation I reviewed my plan for him...

I laid out all the paper clippings, articles, and photos of his victims.  I took the wax that dripped from the blood red candles and spelled out the words "ANDY" on the floor of the pit.  Next I took costumes and old drapery and hung it everywhere as to make it harder for him to find me.  And I kept 2 candles left to light and throw at the fabric.

As I laid there the footsteps got louder and closer and then all I heard was that ridiculous fake voice....   Ohhh Chris, Chris where are you?  Are you even alive anymore? don't play with me!  DON"T YOU DARE!!

Chrissssss........COME ON!  DAMMIT!!!!

I lay there, holding my breath, sweat dripping down from my brow.

Cold Darkness, Chapter 12

As I sat there I began thinking about my parents, my family, my friends and of JT.  Were they searching for me?  did they even know I was missing?  Would they ever find me? 

I also now knew the truth, that Tyler had also sexually abused me as well.  I was very possibly his only remaining victim up until now.  SO I had to live, to survive in honor of the others. 

I had a plan, and when that bastard came again, I would be ready for him. 

Cold Darkness, Chapter 11

How can this be?  why him?  I felt like I was going to vomit, my stomach was turning, and spinning, my head began to pound, I felt water on my face, dripping onto my shirt, I stood there frozen.  I could not move in that moment, I just stood there looking at him, yelling "no, stop, please stop this, don't do this to me!"

Why are you doing this to him and to me?  Tell me why ...

He stood there looking at me with rage, his eyes were cold, his chest was beating rapidly and he began to speak.

Why are you in here? Can't you see this is a private moment, a private party for 2?  I don't recall inviting you, you stupid kid!  He then turned around and looked at the poor little terrified boy and told him to do it, do it again.  NOW!!

I knew I had to do something, I had to stop him.  I had to stop Tyler.  

I grabbed the metal garbage can and took it and hit him on the back of his head as hard as I could.  He fell to his knees and back against the wall of the stall.  I motioned for the boy to quickly run out of the stall, and just as he was out and past me, we took off toward the door.  I felt a strong hand grab me by the back of my head, and pull me to the floor, as I fell to the floor I saw him make his way to the boy ahead of me.  He grabbed the boy by the neck, and he began to squeeze his tiny little neck, I tried to get up but my head was hurting and my balance was unsteady.  Tyler looked back and started yelling at me, "see what you made me have to do"  "I loved him, I owned him."  And as he yelled at me, I saw the boys body go limp and fall to the floor.  Tyler held him in his arms sobbing.  

And then as if something in him snapped, changed, he was upon his feet quickly and came at me fast, he grabbed my hair again and the last thing I remember was the feeling of the cold cement floor against my cheek.  My eyes closed.



I finally am remembering, remembering what happened to that little boy, and to me.  Why did Tyler do this to me now though?  OMG, I'm sick, OMG I need to vomit.  

I calmed myself down, took long slow deep breathes and exhaled.  This was all starting to make sense finally.  He had tried to kill me to stop me from telling someone. He killed that boy, and so many others.  As long as I didn't remember I was safe, and alive.  

He must have thought for some reason I was remembering it, he must be the one that pushed me in here.  He tried to kill me again.  

I will not die down here, I will get out, and when I do, I will make sure everyone knows the truth.  Time to find away out.

Cold Darkness, Chapter 10

I dimmed the lantern and laid down, as I drifted off to sleep my memories engulfed my mind, my body and my very soul.  It was Halloween, 1992.


I was at the Halloween party with my parents, my brother and there was my Aunt Darlene, Uncle John, their sons, Tyler and Terry, my Grandma, and another Uncle of mine, amongst all the other people that were there with their families.  I was dressed up as Waldo in Where's Waldo, I had on a red and white striped shirt, hat to match, blue jeans and carrying a walking cane.

Everyone was laughing, eating trick or treat candy, there was music, dancing and alot of fun and cool costumes.  

As I walked around, talked with other kids, parents I eventually excused myself and made my way to the restroom, which all the way to the rear of the building, down a long corridor, and through 2 sets of doors.  Just as I approached the last set of doors, I heard the faint sound of someone crying, I stood close to the door and pressed my ear up against it, hoping to hear more, not sure if I should go in or leave?  But I knew I had to make myself open the door and walk in.

I ever so quietly opened the door, hoping it would not creak, and walked into the dimly lit restroom.  
The crying continued, and then seemed to stop.  But as it did, I heard some wrestling noses, feet moving, and then a slap.  And then a dark figure emerged from the shadows, as I tried to see who it was standing at the other end of the restroom, I could not make out the figures face just yet.  I asked " is everything ok in here?" are you hurt? I heard someone crying, was it you?  But the dark figure just stood there in total silence.  

I felt the need to run, run out of the restroom and never look back, I apologized for interrupting and turned to leave, as I began to turn, the dark figure went back to into the stall.  My intuition was screaming at me to run, but this did not feel right, like I was suppose to do something?  So, I pretended to open the door to go out, and instead I hid around the corner and got down on my hands and knees and looked under all the stalls.  I was right, something was wrong in here, there was a boy on his hands and knees, and the legs of the dark figure standing, facing the boy.  I then began to here more crying, and then moaning, laughing and then... more Andy, more!  

Oh my god!  I knew I needed to do something to stop this! This was wrong, so wrong, it was disgusting and sickening.  I got up, and began to run to the other end of the restroom, as I reached the stall, the door flew open, and the dark figure quickly emerged, his pants unzipped, and the young boy standing behind him terrified, tears trickling down his face.  I looked back at the dark figure, it moved towards me with a baseball bat in one hand, and that's when I saw his face!  

How can this be?  why him?  I felt like I was going to vomit, my stomach was turning, and spinning, my head began to pound, I felt water on my face, dripping onto my shirt, I stood there frozen.  I could not move in that moment, I just stood there looking at him, yelling "no, stop, please stop this, don't do this to me!"

Why are you doing this to him and to me?  Tell me why ...

Cold Darkness, Chapter 9

I lifted the lid once again and there it all was before my eyes.  Everything I needed to fill in the blanks.  The paper clippings were old, yellowed, and brittle, there was so many of them, all about missing boys, murders, kidnappings, and then finally one in particular caught my attention.  

The headline read "What Happened to Andy?"

Andy Jarrels- 8 years old, Has been missing for three weeks, authorities are still looking into the disappearance of young Andy, who was last seen at a Halloween party, which he attended with his parents, Tom and Tawny Jarrels.  What was suppose to be an afternoon of fun, costumes, candy and family entertainment turned into a real Halloween nightmare for the Jarrels.  

How does a young child just disappear without a trace, a clue, or any evidence?  No ransom has been asked for, nothing.  

What Happened to Andy?  

As I sorted through the other paper clippings, reading the stories, stories of young kids disappearing, murder and disgust, it all began to come together.  It was like a puzzle, and sick and diabolical puzzle.  

The dark figure is the person responsible for young Andy disappearing, which is not simply what happened, he did not just disappear.  No Andy was murdered by this sick S.O.B.  This monster killed him and blames me for all of this?  As I stood there, reading and re-reading each article, trying to remember that day, that Halloween when I(according to the dark figure) walked into the bathroom and found him and Andy together.  My head began pounding again, I was stressed, and exhausted.  

I dimmed the lantern and laid down, as I drifted off to sleep my memories engulfed my mind, my body and my very soul.  It was Halloween, 1992.

Cold Darkness, Chapter 8

I looked up, the light hurting my eyes, and my head began to throb, as my heart raced, I yelled out "show yourself, coward."

The disguised mechanical voice yelled back... "How unfortunate, your still alive."

Yes, yes I am, and I plan on staying alive!  So bring your best, bring your worst, I'm not afraid of you, the boogerman!  HahAAAAAAAAA!

Oh Chris, I'm no boogeyman !I'm far worse that he!  You really have no idea who I am do you?  Tis a shame really, I was hoping for more from you.  

As I stood there looking up at this dark figure, I asked him... how is it that I am apart of your "Andy Issue"?  I mean come on man, I've heard of  "Daddy Issues" but never an "Andy Issue"?

There was dead silence.  I knew there would be!

It seemed to last maybe minutes, but felt like hours.  The dark figure finally then spoke in his fake voice.

"Andy was a very special boy, he made me happy, he aroused something inside of me that I had never felt before, and then you came along and ruined everything, EVERYTHING!!!!  You couldn't keep your mouth shut, as if my life, my entire existence mattered to you?  You were a pain in the ass to me, although you always have had strikingly sexy looks, even as a young boy,  you did.  But, you were not Andy.  You made me do it, you made me hurt him!  If it wasn't for you, he would still be here!  Why won't you just die already?!

All went black again.  The dark figure was gone.

There I stood in the cold darkness again, all alone.  Who was this figure?  He is obviously someone I know?  I decided to go back to the trunk and see what was inside of it, before HE arrived and interrupted me.

I lifted the lid once again and there it all was before my eyes.  Everything I needed to fill in the blanks.  The paper clippings were old, yellowed, and brittle, there was so many of them, all about missing boys, murders, kidnappings, and then finally one in particular caught my attention.  

The headline read "What Happened to Andy?"

Cold Darkness, Chapter 7

Not knowing how long I had been asleep for, what time it was, or even what day?  was it daytime or dark outside of this prison?

I decided to light another candle, but only long enough to see if I could get that antique lantern to work.  I picked it up again, remembering that show, how life then was different, and how JT and I... never-mind, it's not important now.  My mind went back to the lantern, there was still oil in it, and a fabric wick.  I took the glass dome off it, and after a few tries, I got it to light, What a glorious light is was, and warm.  I blew out the candle as to save it for later if need be.  I then decided to look around the pit, maybe I could find something to help me get put of here? 

After digging through many boxes, I found a long fur coat, oh how nice it felt, warm, and soothing to me.  I kept looking around through boxes, I shoved some to the side to  make room for a big old steamer trunk that was hidden under scrap wood, plastic sheeting, etc.  I found a hammer that had been used as a prop in a show once, I was able to use it to get the trunk open.  It was very old, the levers on it were rusty now, and stiff to move.  But I got it open.  I slowly started to life the lid, thinking all the while... "what will I find in here?" this is kinda creepy, considering I am in this cold dark pit, against my will...

I continued to lift the heavy lid, as it creaked in an eerily ghastly sound, as if it were the hand of a skeleton dragging its sharp claw across a wood floor. 

Just as I had the lid almost halfway open, I heard something from above.  A noise, a noise I knew all too well, it was footsteps.

The footsteps grew louder and heavier as they seemed to be circling the floor above me, I stood there frozen as my heart raced and pounded hard, do I start yelling for help or do I keep quiet?  What if it was someone that could help me?  Or maybe it was the sick and twisted individual that was responsible for me being down here? 

The foot steps stopped abruptly.  All was still.  They seemed to stop directly above me. 

As the bright light blinded my eyes, it was intense, and then the voice began, it was laughing at me.  Loud thunderous laughing.  It was clear to me whoever this sick bastard was, they were using a voice changing device. 

I looked up, the light hurting my eyes, and my head began to throb, as my heart raced, I yelled out "show yourself, coward."

The disguised mechanical voice yelled back... "How unfortunate, your still alive."

Cold Darkness, Chapter 6

I struggle to awaken from the nightmare, I hear myself screaming and crying out for help.  But no one is there.  It is only I, and then reality sets back in and I remember that I am alone in this cold darkness.  The first candle is almost down to nothing and the flame will soon be out.  I have to ration them out so that they last however long I am down here for?

As I sit there in the dim light of the candle my mind begins to recall the nightmare I had.  The truly scary part is that it was all too familiar to me on some level.  As if I somehow knew what was happening in the dream as it unfolded before it did.  It all started to come back to me, every single minute of it, the setting.  It was a bathroom stall, it was dark, night time, there were Christmas lights twinkling from outside the window.  There was another person there, it was a male, he was older and very convincing as he spoke to young Chris, to me.  He was warm, his breath was close to my left cheek, I felt it whisper to me...

It's perfectly okay.

I wanted to vomit, this dream was all to familiar to me, because I had this dream, this nightmare many times before.  Who was this older male?  Why can't I see his face?  Why is he so close to me? touching me? I can feel his fingers touch my skin, my arms, and my legs as he pulls me closer to him.

His face is still a blank.

Not sure if I am shaking from the coldness or from the fear that is building inside of me?

I need to get out of here, I need to find a way out.  People would be worried about me now, they must know I'm missing?  Or do they?  After-all I was suppose to be heading to the airport hours after the last show.  I was suppose to be flying to Paris yet again, to see JT.  If only he were here now, he would know I was here, he would save me, he would help me remember this nightmare entirely.  And then I would know who the other male is.

Cold Darkness, Chapter 5

Not knowing what time it was, if it was day or night or even what day it was, I was growing tired again, as I drifted off to sleep, I thought of nothing but seeing my parents again, and him.

I began seeing myself again as I slept, on the stage just before I was pushed into the pit, hearing my childhood voice, over and over again, my mind turned in a flash back to when I was young. Back to a time I didn't remember. 

It was as if I was watching myself as a young child from afar, as if I was watching myself from the other side of a TV screen. It was December the 17th, 1982 it was my 6th birthday, my whole grade school class was at the hotel and banquet center for my birthday party, along with various relatives and friends of my parents.

The party was in a banquet room and in the swimming pool area, everyone was having fun, laughing, swimming, singing, I was opening gifts from everyone.  Eventually I went off to the bathroom, I opened the bathroom door and as I did so, I heard a male voice saying: it's ok Chris, really it is, everyone does this, it's a ritual, it's something special that boys do with each other.  I heard the quiet cry of a young boy, he kept crying and saying no and then all I heard was choking sounds, it grew so loud in my head, I stood there frozen in sheer terror and horror as I tried to move.  My body would not move, not even an inch.  My muscles were frozen, lifeless as I just stood there trying not to make a sound, as I covered my mouth.  As I covered my mouth, I realized I was choking as well, I was Chris, I was the other young boy in the stall with him.

As I'm choking, as well as my younger self is choking,  I start to come out of this nightmare as I am tossing and turning, screaming as I push him away from me... I force myself to wake up just before he yells at me and calls me Andy, he pushes me on the floor as I smack the back of my head onto the concrete floor. 



 

Cold Darkness, Chapter 4

As I looked around after lighting a candle, I saw old costumes, piles of them infact.  Along with costumes there was parts of sets, instruments covered in dust, as was everything it seemed.

As I walked around and dug through boxes I found torches from a show we did years ago, The Phantom Of The Opera.  I then found an antique lantern from the show.  It took me back to another time, another place.

I was in Paris, it was 1995.  I had went there as a graduation gift from someone that meant the world to me, someone, actually not a someone, this person believed in me, listened to me, helped me through some very horrible times as a teenager, and then later as an adult.  Without JT,  I would not have survived the daily bullying, ridicule, and harassment.  Anyways I was in Paris the summer of 1995. I was 18 years old, living the good life, exploring life, feeling a freedom I never felt before.
JT arrived shortly after I did.  We went to check into our hoteliere, we soon found out that our room reservations were mixed up in translation, and there was only one room under our names.  We decided to take the room and figure it out.  After all we were both adults and great friends, with a huge amount of respect for each other.

The room was amazing, old world charm, amazingly detailed with ornate wood moldings, gold and ivory wallpapers, thick down filled bedding, a gold ornate carved wooden headboard and exquisite drapery.

The bed was big enough for a few people.  There was also an antique couch, chair and a marble table for two.

We decided to head out to explore the city, we eventually came upon an antique shoppe, as we wandered through it, we found an old lantern, it was gold and silver, with a unique design to it that resembled an hour glass.  As we looked it over we turned it upside down, there was an inscription on the bottom of it, it read:  "A Love For All Time."

As I stood there in the lower level of the orchestra pit holding onto the old lantern I felt a tear trickle down my face.  Where was JT now?  When I needed him more then ever?

Cold Darkness, Chapter 3

As I came too, and listened to the loud noise, which seemed to be coming from overhead in the darkness, I looked up and saw a glimmer of light, just for what seemed like a split second, and then it seemed to bigger and brighter and then it was gone as fast it had appeared.  Was someone up there above me? was someone else in the theatre?  Maybe it was help?  I began yelling and screaming for help, repeatedly to no avail, no one was there.  It all the commotion and the blinding light I felt something on the floor by my right foot.  I bent down to feel around for the object, it was a duffel bag.  I immediately began to scramble to unzip it in the darkness and then stopped!  What if it is something bad inside it?  what if it will hurt me?

I decided to let the bag sit there unzipped as I began to grow frightened and a bit paranoid as to what was inside it.

For what seemed like hours and hours, which could have really only been mere minutes had passed.  My fear and paranoia began to shift into a deep sense of curiosity.  Perhaps whoever or whatever dropped this down here to me was actually trying to help me?  Which really made no sense? Because if they were trying to help, then why not just get me the bloody hell out of here?
I fumbled with my hands in the darkness to unzip the bag, slowly now and carefully.  I took a deep breath and reached into the duffel bag.  I first felt something long and thin, yet with a rigid softness to it, as I made my way to the top of the object, I realized it was a taper candle, which could only mean that there was matches of something to light it with.  I began to move the other objects around.  There was a large bottle of liquid, water I assumed, some bread, as I untied the twister on the bag the smell of it was intoxicating to my senses as I was starting to have hunger pains.  I found a small box of matches amongst the other mystery items.

There was only 5 matches in the box.  Really?  WTF?

I lit the candle and as my eyes began to adjust I started to look around...

Cold Darkness, Chapter 2

Eventually I began to stir, and as I did, the pain set in fast, and I started to slowly try and sit up, wincing as I tried to get up onto my knees, as I did, I tried to adjust my eye sight to the darkness, the cold darkness that was all around me.  My head was pounding, as I began to feel my face and eerily and cautiously I moved my hand up toward the left side of my face and to my temple.  I felt something sticky and wet like.  It had to be blood, if only I could see myself in some light, and find a mirror to see how badly I was hurt. 

I sat back down on the cold flooring beneath me, and just starred upward into the darkness above me.  Where I was exactly was a mystery to me, as I never realized there was another lower level under the orchestra pit. 

Why, and how was it even possible that I heard my own childhood voice calling for help?  Or was it all a delusion of my own making?  How long have I been unconscious?  Is it still the same day? Dec 23rd? How will I get out of here?  I just need to stop, and breathe slowly, focus my thoughts through the pounding pain in my head.

As I sat there holding my head, feeling cold, I began to recall overhearing some of the crew members say that the theatre would be closed until after the new year.  Who is going to find me? How can anyone even?  No one knows I am in here...

I began to drift off....

There I was, back on the stage, the audience is clapping as they rose to their feet, the thunderous applause was overwhelming, as I stood there, smiling in all this intoxicating limelight, I tried to darken the spot lights as I began to move towards the edge of the stage.  I strained to see through the bright lights to see who the figure was standing at the back of the rows of people, the figures face was hidden by the shadows that engulfed it's face. 

Something woke me up, some kind of noise.

Cold Darkness Chapter 1

It was a bitter cold December evening, as I walked along the snow covered city streets I dreamed of holidays past with family, friends and presents galore. I was on my merry way to the local playhouse (theater) where I was performing in the locally written and produced play “Dark Snow: Winter Bones”. It is a story about a twisted murder that happens on the Eve of Christmas Eve in a small town and it takes many twists and turns up to the very ending, the shocking ending.

A little about me, my name is Chris Stevens, I am 21 years young. My professional interests lie in the performing arts and writing. When I stand I am 5’10 with a slender build with striking features that are softened by my enchanting blue eyes and the happy smile that one can always look forward to seeing. My hair is dark brown, medium in length ending just above my shoulders. I am the lead in the play “Dark Snow: Winter Bones” and even though my character is dead(or am I?) I am still very present during the play.

As I approach the theatre I can hear voices, they are happy, laughing and singing! My mind wanders off for a minute and I am standing there thinking about how wonderfully exciting and challenging this has been. To be apart of such a talented cast and to share it with so many people. Suddenly I am slammed back to reality when the stage door is thrust open exposing my eyes to total chaos and delight! Everyone is changing into their opening scene costumes, streamers are flying in the air, balloons are everywhere they can land, music is dancing all around me and that magical energy you feel just before you are going to go on stage is in the air. It is all happening one last time, tonight. The final curtain will drop at the end of “Dark Snow: Winter Bones”.

After much excitement, hugs, laughter, champagne and roses everyone is ready to leave for various cast parties, and I am ready to just find myself a quiet place to reflect and fall into sweet slumber. Some of the cast and crew are going to “The Crypt” which is a dance club and bar, while others are going to various houses to drink, eat and relax.

As I make my way towards the stage door, I am the last to leave. With me are 4 dozen roses, balloons and a faux “Oscar” from my cast mates. Just as I take a step outside I begin to hear the faint voice calling my name…Chris, Chrissss help me! Where are you Chris? Hellllppppp meeeeeee… I stand there and listen, straining my ears to make sure I heard what I think I heard. What is going on? It must be one of the cast or crew playing a prank on me. They know how sensitive I am to ghosts and lost souls that are in need of crossing over. Could it be? Might there actually be a ghost, a spirit here in this old theatre? 

My heart is beating fast, my pulse is racing, and my mind is going all over the map. I decide to go find out who and what is calling my name. I set down my roses, balloons, and Oscar on a table near the stage door. The theatre is dark and there are only a few lights left on, which blankets the stage with shadows. As I cautiously walk to the center of the stage, while trying to adjust my vision in the darkness I hear it again. The voice sounds young, familiar, and also sad. I stand there listening, it is in front of me, behind me, next to me and above all at once. My head is splitting and my ears are being pierced with the sounds of a child’s voice, my voice. As my head and my eyes dart and dash, I start spinning around looking for the source of my childhood voice, when something pushes me down, down into the orchestra pit. Everything is black all around me and as my body falls to the floor I realize my legs are dangling and there is nothing below me but more darkness and cold. My arms are holding onto something big, I think it is a piano leg. But my hands are getting sweaty and they begin to slip, but I must pull myself up, and get out of here. All the while my childhood voice is still calling my name and now it is above me with a dark figure standing over me laughing…

I begin to loose my grip on the piano leg, my fingers are sliding off fast and my fall into the darkness of the black void comes to an end when I hit the cold hard surface. All is black. All is gone.

Leaving Paradise And The Valley Of The Dolls

So after nearly 7 years, 6 days, 85 minutes and 17 seconds I was ready to embark on a new but old journey….

The long road home.

7 years in Paradise, or was it really paradise?  What is paradise?  Is it a destination?  A feeling in one’s own mind? Or is it a scenario that we have created to fool ourselves into thinking that the past is the past, that love is overflowing, and the sun is always shining as you relax under its warmth with libations and friends and family gathered around you to revel in this glory? 

I met many people, from all varied and diverse backgrounds of life.

For example…

There are the Ben’s and Daniels I met, coupled and refreshingly genuine.

Arista (Paradises own version of Caitlynn Jenner) and her wifey Whistra, who has enjoyed the rise to fame. But alas like all things that rise…eventually they fall.

Then there is Jesus, the Puetro Rican shorty banker wannabe who had a whole lot of clusterfuck going on…

Ahhh yes, then we have the Hawaiian Amazon Princess, Pandora and her male puppy dog like universal lover Mitch.

Alfonso, a genuinely charismatic mature gent, seeking love in all the wrong places, avid art collector.

Rodney, my trusty hair stylist and sidekick, always wanting what he can’t have, but allowing himself to remember the true love he lost and can find again.

Evangelica  and her Queen Narista- Beautiful souls and forever friends and family.

And of course there is the Deannaster…. Tough as nails Itialian Lesbian shark fighting MothaFuckah pal and BFF.

Jerome, the deaf cutie who I can only hope finds his Prince and eternal love.

Johannie, a sun worshiping sex pistol who enjoys the occasional 420 experience.

Sharonna and Merry Anne… a powerhouse stuck in the 30’s/40’s and 50’s….

Kennneth… The Grandpa I have longed for, and fabulous Organist.

The Queen of Artistic and Sadistic Art, Mermista and her sex slave “Big Tisdale”

Galinda, a ray of absolute sunshine and baseball theories.

Amadeus… My sassy witchy sistah and friend, whom always can find the light at the bottom of a wine bottle… smootches!

What I learned while in so called Paradise…

So my question is” If Paradise is merely a scenario created by a longing to find peace, a new opportunity to begin fresh, and to back in the warmth of all the glittering palms, and faux pas, if in reality paradise is just that, a make believe scenario, then how could Moi ever expect every single person to be real and genuine?

Also…

With joy there is sorrow, with loss there is gain, and when one door closes, another one shall open.

The Deafening Danger, Part 3

Seven days had passed since he had stayed over night and slept in the guest room. It was half way through the week when I had started to remember the steamy dream I had that night.  It seemed beyond real in an almost uncomfortable way.  What did not make sense was waking up to find a note informing he that he left to attend church. I did not even know that he was religious?  

As the week came to a close I finally got a text message from him.  He wanted to express his lack of contact through the week. Normally I would be angered by this, however it made me want to see him all the more. It was as if I needed a fix!  A fix of something you knew in your gut that you needed to stay away from.  

We met for dinner, it was a lovely warm evening sitting outside under the moonlight.  There was laughter, gazing into each other eyes, and multiple funny conversations.

We eventually finished our delicious seafood dinner, and made our way to the beach to walk along and enjoy the calming effect of the waves crashing in onto the shore.   We stopped to sit for awhile and as we relaxed on the warmth of the sand, he leaned in and pulled me closer to his chest and slowly began to kiss my sweet soft delicate lips. As we kissed his snake like tongue made its way into mouth as I sat there unable to move as if he had taken complete control of my entire body.  
My mind became increasingly relaxed, as the rest of my body felt exposed and on fire.  

The Deafening Danger, Part 2

Have you ever met someone who just kinda made your heart break for them?

He most likely would not want me feeling this way, or would he?


As we sat in the quietness of the park overlooking the bay, we began to navigate our way through the barriers of communicating.  Not only was he hearing impaired, but he wore 2 devices to aid him in hearing a bit.  He also was able to read lips, use sign language, and he could talk some.  Surprisingly I was able to understand him and he, I.

As we talked, he told me of his sad and hardened life being abandoned, failed relationships with cheaters, his hearing loss, feeling all alone and broken at times.  How could I not want to help him, take him under my wing?  Want to care for him?  His life experience compelled me to want to do so.

 I invited him over for one of my famous "cooked from the heart-made from scratch homemade dinners- that people from all over beg me to prepare for them."  I was feeling as if we were establishing a real friendship, building some trust, and a safe zone for each.  It was enjoyable to chat with someone while I was in the kitchen, we sipped on wine, and enjoyed the lovely feast.

It was a delightful evening.

A few days later, I asked him to join me at a dear friends pad for cocktails and conversation, as I thought it might be good for him to get out and broaden his social circle.  Learn to feel comfortable around others in a social setting.  So we went to the party, all was going swimmingly!  Everyone was chatting, laughing, he was engaged in a conversation with a few others, and I just sat back and thought "you did good Divine Man."

The party came to a close and we rode back to my palace in the white limo, it was a good thing as we both felt a bit buzzed.  I knew he had a 40 minute drive ahead of him to get to his Aunt's home(where he was living) and so I offered him my guest room.  At first he resisted, but then caved into the idea of sleeping on a soft bed versus a lumpy couch.

It was still dark outside when I sensed someone in my chambers, I could feel someone breathing, getting closer to me as I laid sleeping.  Very gently I felt arms wrap around my fabulous body, and pull me close.  I felt safe yet startled all at once.  This is the stuff I love about dreams.  Anything can happen while asleep.  I felt hands slowly begin to explore my naked and butter soft skin, and then a silky wetness descended upon my neck.  I moaned as I felt unable to move and release myself from the pleasure I was experiencing.

The morning came, the sun was shining and I woke up to find a note on my kitchen counter that read "Divineness, Thank You for allowing me to stay over, I had to leave early for church."

The Deafening Danger, Part 1

Perhaps my intuition was off, maybe it wasn't totally balanced yet since awaking from the coma? Perhaps I was vulnerable since my memories of what I heard while I was in that death like state for so many months had started to return to me.  Learning what those deceitful twins had done to me unknowingly for so many years, maybe it was the longing for my one true soulmate to return to me again.


I can't believe I am actually gonna do this?  How had I fallen from such standards? How had the most simply amazingly divine man come to this moment?  As my hands trembled I grabbed for my wine glass and with the other hand I stretched out my right index finger and as I touched the screen on my phone...I thought "here goes nothing!"

I completed my dating profile and uploaded a fabulous selfie, and then sat on my couch waiting and waiting and drinking and waiting and drinking and waiting and then peeing and peeing and then "BING" I heard that surprisingly delightful sound!

Winner winner chicken dinner!  Someone had sent me a message!  Someone wanted to chat with me!

His name:  Jeremiah
Age: 33
Occupation: Nurse
Volunteer: Homeless Shelters
Interests: Walks on the beach, flea markets, movies, swimming, and art galleries.
He is seeking a LTR
And he was hearing impaired. But wore a device that helped him.  He was born able to hear until he was 4, when he suffered severe hearing loss from an infection is both ears.  Shortly after that his Mother left him with his Grandparents.

WOW, he has survived alot.  Which made me think that he was someone whom I thought I could indulge in chatting with.

We chatted for about 2 hours.

It was fun, and on my terms!

After chatting back and forth for about 5 or 6 days, I agree to a meeting.

Pride and Franklin Frankie

As I sit here in my penthouse, wrapped in my red feather boa, red satin shimmering robe as I sip on a glass of wine I poured out of a box I ponder this:

It's Gay Pride month.

And this is the St. Pete Pride Festival.... As in St.Petersburg, FL.

Naturally I normally go, however this year I felt no need to go, to attend.  I sit here with a heavy heart, and sense of sadness in my beautiful heart, mind, and body.

My reasons for not attending this evenings parade are:  Alot of things in my life changed during and after my coma.  For example:  Since I woke up, I have begun to slowly remember people, conversations and secrets that were told to me.  Also since the coma, I have realized that there are/were people that I held very dear to me that are no longer in my world.  In fact one person in particular is at the center of this pain,  his name is Franklin Frankie.  We met about 3 years ago when I had first arrived in Paradise via the Rainbow Connection.
He was involved in a toxic and tumultuous relationship with a young man that did not respect him, nor care, show/offer moral support or true love.  FF and I slowly became friends, and inched our way closer to each other.  I met his daughters, his bestie, and each time his ex would surface his slithery spineless head and wreak havoc on FF's life, FF would fall apart and I would always be there to help him pick up all the shattered pieces and re-assemble his life, and his heart.

After the last breakup, he seemed to bounce back quicker and we were attending parties, social events, gallery openings and other such things.  His bestie Kelly, would often come with us, and we all got along famously.  She was a lovely wild spirit with butterfly wings and a unicorn horn.

FF and I eventually began to hang out just he and I.

Things were good, no they were great.  It was the Summer of 69! LOL!!

We became the 3 Musketeer's, and regardless of what we were doing it was fun, joyful and always laughing.  I remember the night a group of us went roller skating(first time in 100 years) and then there was the Masquerade Ball, days spent at the pool, potluck's at the penthouse, nights out clubbing, and Costume parties galore!

FF and I were growing closer, not sexually but just closer.

And then nothing.  He cut me out of his life.

What is puzzling to me is that the whole time I was in the coma, he never came to see me.  There are so many things, unanswered questions I have.  It's rather disturbing and not easy to move forward when there are things that remind you of someone on a daily or weekly basis.  I just want to know why?

Was it just me?  What did I do to make you hate me so much? Was the connection all in my head?

Happy Pride my pets!!