Have you ever bought a cheaper item/ingredient only to save a few dollars?
Moi is standing in my gourmet kitchen with all my beautiful red appliances, glistening marble countertops, old world distressed cabinets, while I look through my “recipe chest” for the perfect Irish dish to make on St. Patty’s Day 2011. Moi is wearing my ivory Capri’s, bright red flip flops, a see-thru black tank top exposing my delightful tan and my perky tata’s! Oh and must not forget, my red apron with red feathers outlining it.
As I stand there in my kitchen looking through the recipe chest, I come across this wonderful old world recipe called: A Big Hairy Reuben Between A Pair of Rachels!
So I have Brady gas up the red limo, and whisk Moi away to the local gourmet deli so I can get my ingredients.
Of course while in the deli looking for all my items, a bag person(a bagger) (not a beggar) approaches me and asks kindly “Oh Divine One, will you please autograph my old bag?” HA! I am thinking as I try and not to giggle, and reply with “why yes kind sir, Moi would be happy to place my John Hancock on your bags, I mean on your old bags, wait…I mean your old bag! And with that he escorted me into the back room where he proceeded to lift up his shirt and expose his wrinkled “old bag” of a belly. I wrote the following words which encircled his rather large belly button: All My Love, Moi…the Divine Wonder! As the bagger man escorts Moi back out the deli, I spot the last of my ingredients and make my way to the cashier where Moi is checked out. No really there was 3 sexy woman, 2 studs and she male who were checking Moi out!
Once I am back in my fabulous paradise villa, I immediately immerse myself in preparing my “Big Hairy Reuben Between A Pair of Rachels sandwiches. Moi loves to cook, and make peoples’ mouths water before and after each bite of my divine cuisine.
So when all is ready to devour I rings my dinner bell, and Brady comes a skipping in to wash his hands, his face, feet, ass, and his…well you can imagine! Anywho, I set the table, two 34 oz mugs of green beer, two plates(green crystal) each with a Big Hairy, a pickle, homemade chippers and a linen napkin. As we sit there and ever so much enjoy these mouth watering skyscraper sandwiches, green beer and we talked about how moist the Big Hairy is, how wet Reuben is this year, and how sweet the Rachels are and laugh about being in paradise on St. Patty’s Day 2011 instead of being in Small Town America, The Midwest where everyone is freezing their shamrocks off!
After about an hour or so, Moi begins to feel those old familiar sturnins’ and urges like I did on that “Explosive Date.” Moi decides to slip quietly into the powder room and sit upon my throne in case anything decides to “erupt.”
It was a false alarm.
So I make my way outside to the lanai and relax a bit in the sun. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is waking up to the pains and movements coming from my booty and stomach. It was again as if there were a life inside of me kicking and thrusting to escape. As Moi stood up from the chaise lounge, that is when it happened or shall I say “the bitch blew like a volcano!” I had it trickling down my legs, blasting through my Capri’s and hitting Brady in the face as I ran up the patio stairs. As I took each next step, more flew out! By the time Moi got inside it was over, and I was no longer wearing ivory Capri’s, for now they were multiples shades of brown and green!
The next time you buy the ingredients for a sandwich or meal, get the good stuff, not the cheap shit!
Monday, March 21, 2011
A Sneaky Peaky at the Return of Moi!
Moi has been enjoying the much needed Spring Hiatus. It is providing me with inspiration, day trips, long walks through trailer parks, quiet evenings at the city landfill, eye candy at the beaches(spring break time) and time to refuel my inner self!
I hope you have been enjoying a few of my favorite older stories while I am on break.
I hope you enjoy this sneaky peaky: "Don't Buy The Cheap Shit!"
I hope you have been enjoying a few of my favorite older stories while I am on break.
I hope you enjoy this sneaky peaky: "Don't Buy The Cheap Shit!"
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Hiatus
Moi is starting his Spring Fling Hiatus! I will return with more Misadventures, in the mean time you can enjoy some old favorites!
Friday, March 11, 2011
"WTF?" What's That Funny Thing Hanging There?"
Recently Moi tried to experiment with the whole baggy jeans hanging below my booty thing. Just to see if it is what it’s all cracked up to be!(giggling to Moi’s self) Anyways…so I went to a local thrift store and got me some baggy jeans in red, yellow, blue, black, just in case Moi really enjoyed this trashy trend(for inside use only) HAHA! Besides the initial investment of the jeans I had to go to Target’ and get me some undies simply because Moi does not wear them normally. Moi prefers the freedom of it all!
As I am trying these on and trying to figure out what right angle/level is the perfect one to make this fashion trend happen on Moi’s booty I decide to go out and seek the advice of a expert in this.
After a few minutes coasting along the streets I come across a few guys(late teens early 20’s) and ask them first “why do you wear your pants like this?” one guy replies with “umm I doesn’t know?” another says “it tis the style ma man” and another chimes in with “dude it is way cool, it is fashion.” So Moi then asks “can you teach me how to wear my pants like you do?” They just looked at Moi and at first they laughed, then they were like “WTF?” Moi had to explain to them my interest. After I explained myself, which I normally never do for anyone, because, well I am Divine and need not to. But after I did, they provided me with a lesson on how to maintain this fashion without creating a scene. If that is possible?
Moi then asked who started this trend? They told me a story about the LA Prison System and how men are given “one size fits all” pants. Well now we all know this is not true, let’s face it, we all have seen some pants on people that they should not be wearing! Anyways… they then told me that the men in prisons are not given belts to hold them up with, and so they hold them up with one hand, while they hang low so they do not drop their drawers. They also told me that in the 50’s men in jail/prison would let their pants hang low if they were interested in “back door action.” I guess the same is true for today. Although wouldn’t it be easier to wear a Moo Moo like Moi? Not that I am interested in “back door action” however it takes less skill and is much more comfy.
This is just Moi’s opinion, if you are going to wear your pants below your booty, at least have a nice one to show off, otherwise do not even bother!
And as always, be divine, and be yourself! Regardless of what others think.
As I am trying these on and trying to figure out what right angle/level is the perfect one to make this fashion trend happen on Moi’s booty I decide to go out and seek the advice of a expert in this.
After a few minutes coasting along the streets I come across a few guys(late teens early 20’s) and ask them first “why do you wear your pants like this?” one guy replies with “umm I doesn’t know?” another says “it tis the style ma man” and another chimes in with “dude it is way cool, it is fashion.” So Moi then asks “can you teach me how to wear my pants like you do?” They just looked at Moi and at first they laughed, then they were like “WTF?” Moi had to explain to them my interest. After I explained myself, which I normally never do for anyone, because, well I am Divine and need not to. But after I did, they provided me with a lesson on how to maintain this fashion without creating a scene. If that is possible?
Moi then asked who started this trend? They told me a story about the LA Prison System and how men are given “one size fits all” pants. Well now we all know this is not true, let’s face it, we all have seen some pants on people that they should not be wearing! Anyways… they then told me that the men in prisons are not given belts to hold them up with, and so they hold them up with one hand, while they hang low so they do not drop their drawers. They also told me that in the 50’s men in jail/prison would let their pants hang low if they were interested in “back door action.” I guess the same is true for today. Although wouldn’t it be easier to wear a Moo Moo like Moi? Not that I am interested in “back door action” however it takes less skill and is much more comfy.
This is just Moi’s opinion, if you are going to wear your pants below your booty, at least have a nice one to show off, otherwise do not even bother!
And as always, be divine, and be yourself! Regardless of what others think.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Day 3: A Day At Disney With The Glam Clam!
We, that is Brady, Jolene-her daughter McNamara, Mc’s puppy dog of a BF Rodney and of course the lovely Moi are all going to spend the day at Disney World.
Oh I almost forgot to tell you, yesterday when Jolene and Moi were driving home from the beach and were shot as or something sounded like we were, there was an odd smell in the car after that happened…guess what it is? Ok, I will tell you. When the gun shot sound fired, it scared the shit right out of Jolene!
Anyways…
We arrive at Disney, and are escorted into the park by the ever so sexy Chip an Dale’s team, no really…by Chip and Dale! I crack myself up sometimes, ok a lot of time. Once we arrive in Epcot, we are immediately taken to a stage in front of the BIG BALL! Where Moi is walked on stage and is presented to the whole group. You know…Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald, Daisy, Cinderella & PC, Snow and her 7 shorties, Ariel, Belle and the Beast, etc, etc, etc…
We all do a few numbers for the crowds, pictures are taken, Hancock’s are signed, and we begin a happy day!
Moi is delighted at the turnout of people, fans, and just being there in all the magic and creativity. There is so much to take in, to do, see, eat, and enjoy. Moi’s favorite ride is “Snow White’s Adventure” which is being closed for renovations and updating, new rides. I also love the fireworks show and Tinkerbell flying through the air! And I just know without a doubt PC was hoping my foot would fit the glass slipper!
As we walked around and did all the shows, rides and had excellent food, a beer, and had our pictures taken we all thought “this really is the happiest place on earth.”
Everything was just so perfect looking. The buildings, the costumes, the smiles, the castle, the eye candy, Moi’s booty, even the flowers and landscaping…which turns out all the hedges had been designed for me especially.
Thank You Disney World for making my day full of happy memories, dreams in the making, and stories to write about.
Oh I almost forgot to tell you, yesterday when Jolene and Moi were driving home from the beach and were shot as or something sounded like we were, there was an odd smell in the car after that happened…guess what it is? Ok, I will tell you. When the gun shot sound fired, it scared the shit right out of Jolene!
Anyways…
We arrive at Disney, and are escorted into the park by the ever so sexy Chip an Dale’s team, no really…by Chip and Dale! I crack myself up sometimes, ok a lot of time. Once we arrive in Epcot, we are immediately taken to a stage in front of the BIG BALL! Where Moi is walked on stage and is presented to the whole group. You know…Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald, Daisy, Cinderella & PC, Snow and her 7 shorties, Ariel, Belle and the Beast, etc, etc, etc…
We all do a few numbers for the crowds, pictures are taken, Hancock’s are signed, and we begin a happy day!
Moi is delighted at the turnout of people, fans, and just being there in all the magic and creativity. There is so much to take in, to do, see, eat, and enjoy. Moi’s favorite ride is “Snow White’s Adventure” which is being closed for renovations and updating, new rides. I also love the fireworks show and Tinkerbell flying through the air! And I just know without a doubt PC was hoping my foot would fit the glass slipper!
As we walked around and did all the shows, rides and had excellent food, a beer, and had our pictures taken we all thought “this really is the happiest place on earth.”
Everything was just so perfect looking. The buildings, the costumes, the smiles, the castle, the eye candy, Moi’s booty, even the flowers and landscaping…which turns out all the hedges had been designed for me especially.
Thank You Disney World for making my day full of happy memories, dreams in the making, and stories to write about.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Day 2: A Week With The Glam Clam!
We devastatingly lovely creatures(Jolene and Moi) get ready and head out to the beach, Indian Rocks Beach to be precise. We arrive in our bikinis, and make our way out to the beach!
To our surprise there are hundreds, maybe thousands of beach bathers running around carrying homemade flags and pendants with the words “The Glam Clam” and “Divine Man” in bright colors. As we walked along the festivities of people laughing, yelling out welcomes to us, screaming my name, throwing confetti, and filling our ears with music we came upon an artist/sculptor who was building a very lovely sand statue of Moi’s likeness and Jolene’s. It was breathtaking! Of course not as breathtaking as the real deal, but close!
Eventually we made our way to our special “section” of the beach and were delighted to see the red and white striped cabana and the sexy cabana boys…I mean men tending to our every need! Feeding us grapes, rubbing our bodies with coconut oils, and fanning us with large palms.
We swam and chit chatted, signed beach balls, and swayed to the music. Speaking of music, Moi was serenaded by woman with rather large busty Tatas.
Her song to Moi:
Ding Dong Moi has arrived
Divine Man, Divine Man!
Ding Dong Moi has arrived
Moi is here among the palms and sandy beaches, yo ho, yo ho, yo hoooooo!!!!
And let me open up and scream “Divine Man, Divine Man”
Ding Dong Moi has arrived
Divine Man, Divine Man!
Divine Man has Arrived
Moi is the loveliest of all, of all, yo hoooooo yo hoooooooooo!
Just before we left the beach, a strange and mysterious fog slowly rolled in, like a gentle breeze tumbling along amongst the thick trees of a mighty forest awaiting with sly power to engulf all in its path.
As the fog ascended onto the beach we left and headed back to the retreat/pad and while driving along we were shot at, or so we thought as we screamed and lowered our heads in a fast second. Slowly rising up again looking around, while hastily padding each other up and down looking for bullet holes, blood and broken glass. Much to our chagrin it was simply a car back firing. Once we regained our composure and continued our drive, it was then that we noticed a rather odd and odiferous odor…yet sweet and a bit salty to the senses.
But what was it?
To our surprise there are hundreds, maybe thousands of beach bathers running around carrying homemade flags and pendants with the words “The Glam Clam” and “Divine Man” in bright colors. As we walked along the festivities of people laughing, yelling out welcomes to us, screaming my name, throwing confetti, and filling our ears with music we came upon an artist/sculptor who was building a very lovely sand statue of Moi’s likeness and Jolene’s. It was breathtaking! Of course not as breathtaking as the real deal, but close!
Eventually we made our way to our special “section” of the beach and were delighted to see the red and white striped cabana and the sexy cabana boys…I mean men tending to our every need! Feeding us grapes, rubbing our bodies with coconut oils, and fanning us with large palms.
We swam and chit chatted, signed beach balls, and swayed to the music. Speaking of music, Moi was serenaded by woman with rather large busty Tatas.
Her song to Moi:
Ding Dong Moi has arrived
Divine Man, Divine Man!
Ding Dong Moi has arrived
Moi is here among the palms and sandy beaches, yo ho, yo ho, yo hoooooo!!!!
And let me open up and scream “Divine Man, Divine Man”
Ding Dong Moi has arrived
Divine Man, Divine Man!
Divine Man has Arrived
Moi is the loveliest of all, of all, yo hoooooo yo hoooooooooo!
Just before we left the beach, a strange and mysterious fog slowly rolled in, like a gentle breeze tumbling along amongst the thick trees of a mighty forest awaiting with sly power to engulf all in its path.
As the fog ascended onto the beach we left and headed back to the retreat/pad and while driving along we were shot at, or so we thought as we screamed and lowered our heads in a fast second. Slowly rising up again looking around, while hastily padding each other up and down looking for bullet holes, blood and broken glass. Much to our chagrin it was simply a car back firing. Once we regained our composure and continued our drive, it was then that we noticed a rather odd and odiferous odor…yet sweet and a bit salty to the senses.
But what was it?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A Disney Sandy Booty Filled Week With The Glam Clam!
So as you all know as of last week, my gal pal Jolene of The Glam Clam flew to paradise to visit Moi! Well what a week it was!
Tuesday afternoon Moi arrived at the airport to welcome Jolene, however somehow someone leaked it out….I think it was WikiLeaks or something, or maybe it was the National Intruder…I mean Enquirer! As it were Moi simply can not go anywhere without being recognized(which I totally understand why…after all I am the fairest one of all- Julia Roberts has nothing on Moi) and I do look forward to signing autographs on paper, casts, tatas, purses, booty, and even the ole’ napkin minus my number.
Anywho, once all the applauding was done, the photos snapped and the greetings came to a close, I thought “Now Moi can get to Jolene” but just as I was a bought to head to the gate the lights went out everywhere in the airport and suddenly a large bright spotlight stopped Moi in my tracks! And a rather sexy deep sultry voice announced “All of us here at Paradise Airways Welcomes the one, thee only, Divine Man!” and out of the darkness emerged multiple little people, dwarfs perhaps, carrying flowers, bottles of bubbly, martini’s, and the most luxurious black and red tipped feather boa that wrapped around my perfect figure and flowed sleekly behind Moi’s feet. One of the little persons was carrying a gold key…which was the key to Paradise Airways and a life-time voucher to fly complimentary for life!
The lights came back on and all the thunderous clapping again, had finally concluded and there standing in all her glory…or rather my glory was the sensational Jolene, founder of The Glam Clam!
Moi was just so ecstatic to see Jolene(who was now a red head, not a blonde) and get her, myself and my driver Brady to my retreat in paradise aka Clearwater, FL.
We arrived at the pad, and Moi got Jolene all settled in, filled her a glass of Merlot, got Brady a beer and Moi a crisp chilled glass of Chardonnay. After dinner we continued to relax, talk, laugh, and walk around “The Divine Court” with our glasses filled to the brims with wine and continued to laugh and be silly.
What a truly wonderful evening with The Glam Clam.
Remember, you are Divine, so go out there and find your Divine Self!
More to come on The Week Of The Glam Clam!
Stay Tuned!
Tuesday afternoon Moi arrived at the airport to welcome Jolene, however somehow someone leaked it out….I think it was WikiLeaks or something, or maybe it was the National Intruder…I mean Enquirer! As it were Moi simply can not go anywhere without being recognized(which I totally understand why…after all I am the fairest one of all- Julia Roberts has nothing on Moi) and I do look forward to signing autographs on paper, casts, tatas, purses, booty, and even the ole’ napkin minus my number.
Anywho, once all the applauding was done, the photos snapped and the greetings came to a close, I thought “Now Moi can get to Jolene” but just as I was a bought to head to the gate the lights went out everywhere in the airport and suddenly a large bright spotlight stopped Moi in my tracks! And a rather sexy deep sultry voice announced “All of us here at Paradise Airways Welcomes the one, thee only, Divine Man!” and out of the darkness emerged multiple little people, dwarfs perhaps, carrying flowers, bottles of bubbly, martini’s, and the most luxurious black and red tipped feather boa that wrapped around my perfect figure and flowed sleekly behind Moi’s feet. One of the little persons was carrying a gold key…which was the key to Paradise Airways and a life-time voucher to fly complimentary for life!
The lights came back on and all the thunderous clapping again, had finally concluded and there standing in all her glory…or rather my glory was the sensational Jolene, founder of The Glam Clam!
Moi was just so ecstatic to see Jolene(who was now a red head, not a blonde) and get her, myself and my driver Brady to my retreat in paradise aka Clearwater, FL.
We arrived at the pad, and Moi got Jolene all settled in, filled her a glass of Merlot, got Brady a beer and Moi a crisp chilled glass of Chardonnay. After dinner we continued to relax, talk, laugh, and walk around “The Divine Court” with our glasses filled to the brims with wine and continued to laugh and be silly.
What a truly wonderful evening with The Glam Clam.
Remember, you are Divine, so go out there and find your Divine Self!
More to come on The Week Of The Glam Clam!
Stay Tuned!
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