Cold Darkness, Chapter 6

I struggle to awaken from the nightmare, I hear myself screaming and crying out for help.  But no one is there.  It is only I, and then reality sets back in and I remember that I am alone in this cold darkness.  The first candle is almost down to nothing and the flame will soon be out.  I have to ration them out so that they last however long I am down here for?

As I sit there in the dim light of the candle my mind begins to recall the nightmare I had.  The truly scary part is that it was all too familiar to me on some level.  As if I somehow knew what was happening in the dream as it unfolded before it did.  It all started to come back to me, every single minute of it, the setting.  It was a bathroom stall, it was dark, night time, there were Christmas lights twinkling from outside the window.  There was another person there, it was a male, he was older and very convincing as he spoke to young Chris, to me.  He was warm, his breath was close to my left cheek, I felt it whisper to me...

It's perfectly okay.

I wanted to vomit, this dream was all to familiar to me, because I had this dream, this nightmare many times before.  Who was this older male?  Why can't I see his face?  Why is he so close to me? touching me? I can feel his fingers touch my skin, my arms, and my legs as he pulls me closer to him.

His face is still a blank.

Not sure if I am shaking from the coldness or from the fear that is building inside of me?

I need to get out of here, I need to find a way out.  People would be worried about me now, they must know I'm missing?  Or do they?  After-all I was suppose to be heading to the airport hours after the last show.  I was suppose to be flying to Paris yet again, to see JT.  If only he were here now, he would know I was here, he would save me, he would help me remember this nightmare entirely.  And then I would know who the other male is.

Cold Darkness, Chapter 5

Not knowing what time it was, if it was day or night or even what day it was, I was growing tired again, as I drifted off to sleep, I thought of nothing but seeing my parents again, and him.

I began seeing myself again as I slept, on the stage just before I was pushed into the pit, hearing my childhood voice, over and over again, my mind turned in a flash back to when I was young. Back to a time I didn't remember. 

It was as if I was watching myself as a young child from afar, as if I was watching myself from the other side of a TV screen. It was December the 17th, 1982 it was my 6th birthday, my whole grade school class was at the hotel and banquet center for my birthday party, along with various relatives and friends of my parents.

The party was in a banquet room and in the swimming pool area, everyone was having fun, laughing, swimming, singing, I was opening gifts from everyone.  Eventually I went off to the bathroom, I opened the bathroom door and as I did so, I heard a male voice saying: it's ok Chris, really it is, everyone does this, it's a ritual, it's something special that boys do with each other.  I heard the quiet cry of a young boy, he kept crying and saying no and then all I heard was choking sounds, it grew so loud in my head, I stood there frozen in sheer terror and horror as I tried to move.  My body would not move, not even an inch.  My muscles were frozen, lifeless as I just stood there trying not to make a sound, as I covered my mouth.  As I covered my mouth, I realized I was choking as well, I was Chris, I was the other young boy in the stall with him.

As I'm choking, as well as my younger self is choking,  I start to come out of this nightmare as I am tossing and turning, screaming as I push him away from me... I force myself to wake up just before he yells at me and calls me Andy, he pushes me on the floor as I smack the back of my head onto the concrete floor. 



 

Cold Darkness, Chapter 4

As I looked around after lighting a candle, I saw old costumes, piles of them infact.  Along with costumes there was parts of sets, instruments covered in dust, as was everything it seemed.

As I walked around and dug through boxes I found torches from a show we did years ago, The Phantom Of The Opera.  I then found an antique lantern from the show.  It took me back to another time, another place.

I was in Paris, it was 1995.  I had went there as a graduation gift from someone that meant the world to me, someone, actually not a someone, this person believed in me, listened to me, helped me through some very horrible times as a teenager, and then later as an adult.  Without JT,  I would not have survived the daily bullying, ridicule, and harassment.  Anyways I was in Paris the summer of 1995. I was 18 years old, living the good life, exploring life, feeling a freedom I never felt before.
JT arrived shortly after I did.  We went to check into our hoteliere, we soon found out that our room reservations were mixed up in translation, and there was only one room under our names.  We decided to take the room and figure it out.  After all we were both adults and great friends, with a huge amount of respect for each other.

The room was amazing, old world charm, amazingly detailed with ornate wood moldings, gold and ivory wallpapers, thick down filled bedding, a gold ornate carved wooden headboard and exquisite drapery.

The bed was big enough for a few people.  There was also an antique couch, chair and a marble table for two.

We decided to head out to explore the city, we eventually came upon an antique shoppe, as we wandered through it, we found an old lantern, it was gold and silver, with a unique design to it that resembled an hour glass.  As we looked it over we turned it upside down, there was an inscription on the bottom of it, it read:  "A Love For All Time."

As I stood there in the lower level of the orchestra pit holding onto the old lantern I felt a tear trickle down my face.  Where was JT now?  When I needed him more then ever?

Cold Darkness, Chapter 3

As I came too, and listened to the loud noise, which seemed to be coming from overhead in the darkness, I looked up and saw a glimmer of light, just for what seemed like a split second, and then it seemed to bigger and brighter and then it was gone as fast it had appeared.  Was someone up there above me? was someone else in the theatre?  Maybe it was help?  I began yelling and screaming for help, repeatedly to no avail, no one was there.  It all the commotion and the blinding light I felt something on the floor by my right foot.  I bent down to feel around for the object, it was a duffel bag.  I immediately began to scramble to unzip it in the darkness and then stopped!  What if it is something bad inside it?  what if it will hurt me?

I decided to let the bag sit there unzipped as I began to grow frightened and a bit paranoid as to what was inside it.

For what seemed like hours and hours, which could have really only been mere minutes had passed.  My fear and paranoia began to shift into a deep sense of curiosity.  Perhaps whoever or whatever dropped this down here to me was actually trying to help me?  Which really made no sense? Because if they were trying to help, then why not just get me the bloody hell out of here?
I fumbled with my hands in the darkness to unzip the bag, slowly now and carefully.  I took a deep breath and reached into the duffel bag.  I first felt something long and thin, yet with a rigid softness to it, as I made my way to the top of the object, I realized it was a taper candle, which could only mean that there was matches of something to light it with.  I began to move the other objects around.  There was a large bottle of liquid, water I assumed, some bread, as I untied the twister on the bag the smell of it was intoxicating to my senses as I was starting to have hunger pains.  I found a small box of matches amongst the other mystery items.

There was only 5 matches in the box.  Really?  WTF?

I lit the candle and as my eyes began to adjust I started to look around...

Cold Darkness, Chapter 2

Eventually I began to stir, and as I did, the pain set in fast, and I started to slowly try and sit up, wincing as I tried to get up onto my knees, as I did, I tried to adjust my eye sight to the darkness, the cold darkness that was all around me.  My head was pounding, as I began to feel my face and eerily and cautiously I moved my hand up toward the left side of my face and to my temple.  I felt something sticky and wet like.  It had to be blood, if only I could see myself in some light, and find a mirror to see how badly I was hurt. 

I sat back down on the cold flooring beneath me, and just starred upward into the darkness above me.  Where I was exactly was a mystery to me, as I never realized there was another lower level under the orchestra pit. 

Why, and how was it even possible that I heard my own childhood voice calling for help?  Or was it all a delusion of my own making?  How long have I been unconscious?  Is it still the same day? Dec 23rd? How will I get out of here?  I just need to stop, and breathe slowly, focus my thoughts through the pounding pain in my head.

As I sat there holding my head, feeling cold, I began to recall overhearing some of the crew members say that the theatre would be closed until after the new year.  Who is going to find me? How can anyone even?  No one knows I am in here...

I began to drift off....

There I was, back on the stage, the audience is clapping as they rose to their feet, the thunderous applause was overwhelming, as I stood there, smiling in all this intoxicating limelight, I tried to darken the spot lights as I began to move towards the edge of the stage.  I strained to see through the bright lights to see who the figure was standing at the back of the rows of people, the figures face was hidden by the shadows that engulfed it's face. 

Something woke me up, some kind of noise.

Cold Darkness Chapter 1

It was a bitter cold December evening, as I walked along the snow covered city streets I dreamed of holidays past with family, friends and presents galore. I was on my merry way to the local playhouse (theater) where I was performing in the locally written and produced play “Dark Snow: Winter Bones”. It is a story about a twisted murder that happens on the Eve of Christmas Eve in a small town and it takes many twists and turns up to the very ending, the shocking ending.

A little about me, my name is Chris Stevens, I am 21 years young. My professional interests lie in the performing arts and writing. When I stand I am 5’10 with a slender build with striking features that are softened by my enchanting blue eyes and the happy smile that one can always look forward to seeing. My hair is dark brown, medium in length ending just above my shoulders. I am the lead in the play “Dark Snow: Winter Bones” and even though my character is dead(or am I?) I am still very present during the play.

As I approach the theatre I can hear voices, they are happy, laughing and singing! My mind wanders off for a minute and I am standing there thinking about how wonderfully exciting and challenging this has been. To be apart of such a talented cast and to share it with so many people. Suddenly I am slammed back to reality when the stage door is thrust open exposing my eyes to total chaos and delight! Everyone is changing into their opening scene costumes, streamers are flying in the air, balloons are everywhere they can land, music is dancing all around me and that magical energy you feel just before you are going to go on stage is in the air. It is all happening one last time, tonight. The final curtain will drop at the end of “Dark Snow: Winter Bones”.

After much excitement, hugs, laughter, champagne and roses everyone is ready to leave for various cast parties, and I am ready to just find myself a quiet place to reflect and fall into sweet slumber. Some of the cast and crew are going to “The Crypt” which is a dance club and bar, while others are going to various houses to drink, eat and relax.

As I make my way towards the stage door, I am the last to leave. With me are 4 dozen roses, balloons and a faux “Oscar” from my cast mates. Just as I take a step outside I begin to hear the faint voice calling my name…Chris, Chrissss help me! Where are you Chris? Hellllppppp meeeeeee… I stand there and listen, straining my ears to make sure I heard what I think I heard. What is going on? It must be one of the cast or crew playing a prank on me. They know how sensitive I am to ghosts and lost souls that are in need of crossing over. Could it be? Might there actually be a ghost, a spirit here in this old theatre? 

My heart is beating fast, my pulse is racing, and my mind is going all over the map. I decide to go find out who and what is calling my name. I set down my roses, balloons, and Oscar on a table near the stage door. The theatre is dark and there are only a few lights left on, which blankets the stage with shadows. As I cautiously walk to the center of the stage, while trying to adjust my vision in the darkness I hear it again. The voice sounds young, familiar, and also sad. I stand there listening, it is in front of me, behind me, next to me and above all at once. My head is splitting and my ears are being pierced with the sounds of a child’s voice, my voice. As my head and my eyes dart and dash, I start spinning around looking for the source of my childhood voice, when something pushes me down, down into the orchestra pit. Everything is black all around me and as my body falls to the floor I realize my legs are dangling and there is nothing below me but more darkness and cold. My arms are holding onto something big, I think it is a piano leg. But my hands are getting sweaty and they begin to slip, but I must pull myself up, and get out of here. All the while my childhood voice is still calling my name and now it is above me with a dark figure standing over me laughing…

I begin to loose my grip on the piano leg, my fingers are sliding off fast and my fall into the darkness of the black void comes to an end when I hit the cold hard surface. All is black. All is gone.

Leaving Paradise And The Valley Of The Dolls

So after nearly 7 years, 6 days, 85 minutes and 17 seconds I was ready to embark on a new but old journey….

The long road home.

7 years in Paradise, or was it really paradise?  What is paradise?  Is it a destination?  A feeling in one’s own mind? Or is it a scenario that we have created to fool ourselves into thinking that the past is the past, that love is overflowing, and the sun is always shining as you relax under its warmth with libations and friends and family gathered around you to revel in this glory? 

I met many people, from all varied and diverse backgrounds of life.

For example…

There are the Ben’s and Daniels I met, coupled and refreshingly genuine.

Arista (Paradises own version of Caitlynn Jenner) and her wifey Whistra, who has enjoyed the rise to fame. But alas like all things that rise…eventually they fall.

Then there is Jesus, the Puetro Rican shorty banker wannabe who had a whole lot of clusterfuck going on…

Ahhh yes, then we have the Hawaiian Amazon Princess, Pandora and her male puppy dog like universal lover Mitch.

Alfonso, a genuinely charismatic mature gent, seeking love in all the wrong places, avid art collector.

Rodney, my trusty hair stylist and sidekick, always wanting what he can’t have, but allowing himself to remember the true love he lost and can find again.

Evangelica  and her Queen Narista- Beautiful souls and forever friends and family.

And of course there is the Deannaster…. Tough as nails Itialian Lesbian shark fighting MothaFuckah pal and BFF.

Jerome, the deaf cutie who I can only hope finds his Prince and eternal love.

Johannie, a sun worshiping sex pistol who enjoys the occasional 420 experience.

Sharonna and Merry Anne… a powerhouse stuck in the 30’s/40’s and 50’s….

Kennneth… The Grandpa I have longed for, and fabulous Organist.

The Queen of Artistic and Sadistic Art, Mermista and her sex slave “Big Tisdale”

Galinda, a ray of absolute sunshine and baseball theories.

Amadeus… My sassy witchy sistah and friend, whom always can find the light at the bottom of a wine bottle… smootches!

What I learned while in so called Paradise…

So my question is” If Paradise is merely a scenario created by a longing to find peace, a new opportunity to begin fresh, and to back in the warmth of all the glittering palms, and faux pas, if in reality paradise is just that, a make believe scenario, then how could Moi ever expect every single person to be real and genuine?

Also…

With joy there is sorrow, with loss there is gain, and when one door closes, another one shall open.