Big and Black!

“Picture It” a hot, humid and sun filled morning here in paradise. The birds are chirping, the rabbits are hopping, the frogs are frogging, and Moi is laying out in the sun as beads of sweat start to form on my brow.  One by one the sweat begins to trickle down my tanned face and onto my sexy chest.  As I am laying here in the beating sun, I notice that there is sweat streaking down my chest to my perky ass.

As this point I decide I to get up and get a wet cloth to cool my heavenly body off with.  As I stand up from my red chaise lounge with the red tassels that are swaying in the slight tropical breeze.  I adjust my eyes to the bright sun, and as I am doing so, I look out in front of where I am standing… about 10 feet.  I just stand there in horror and think “oh my freaking lord- what the hell!”  I start to scream but nothing comes out at first and then finally my words and screams are heard!  Brady, Diva Girl and my butch gal pal Dion all come running!

Are you ok Divine Man?  I stand there and just look and point at what is in the grass.  We all stand there and look and watch as the big long black snake slithers slowly across the yard.  We watch in horror as he makes his way to the green electrical box.  Slowly and carefully we follow to see what the snake is doing.  We are shocked, shocked I say!  The snake in wrapping itself around another black snake.  Oh great just what we need…. Babies!

You know, I have always wanted to encounter a big black wet…. But not this!

Long story short the dam snake managed to get into the sun room and Moi had to wait to until it slithered out.

Can you imagine Moi in my Mu Mu screaming…. Help me, helpppp me….. Snakes, snakes, WTF! Running through a trailer park, sporting flip flops, hot pink lip stick, towel on my perfect head….

Memorials: Remembering those we have lost!

What is Memorial Day ?

It is a day we are suppose to remember and celebrate the people, lives, and the heroes that have fallen on our behalf in battle and at war.  But I think it also should be a day to celebrate what we have, and what we have lost.  When I think about it, it is rather bittersweet.

My Mother, Tulips’ Father- Caesar was in WWII and received the bronze star for his bravery.  According to legend, he was a strong man who sported curly dark brown hair, wore glasses and was lost to early in life.  In fact my Mother and the family lost him to a severe heart attack on Christmas Day 1975.  Somehow in all the pain of his passing my Mother Tulips, discovered she was with child.   You have to understand my Mother was unable to conceive and then she and Big Daddy got the news….

Almost a year to the date of Grandpa Caesar’s passing….the Divine One was born.  So I guess the saying “ When Someone Dies, another is born.”  Even though we never were able to meet, I have spent a good part of my life dreaming about him, what he must have been like, would he have loved me?  And then Moi thinks….of course he would silly, who doesn't!  I also had this recurring dream about him.  In the dream I was at the old homestead with Grams( Mother Rose) and we would be waiting with excitement as we watched the clock tick, 1:00, then 2:00, finally it was 3:00 and that meant Grandpa was coming home from work!  I would finally get to see him!  And just as the door knob would start to turn everything would go black and I would wake up.  Sometimes I would just be standing there waiting at the door waiting for him to appear….  It felt like it was hours, and hours and no Grandpa.  Finally after many years of having this dream…. 3:00 hit!  In walked Grandpa just like I always thought he would, he looked like the pictures!  He was so real, strong, handsome and had a twinkle in his eye, he made me feel like that twinkle was all for me!  As I sit here and type, my eyes are watering, I have goose bumps spreading all over my body thinking about that moment!  He hugged me tightly and called me “sparkle.”  After that last dream, in which we met and I got to feel the love that I was robbed of, the dream had come to it’s final chapter.

I saw him again a few years ago, this time he was coming to take my Grams home with him.  In fact I met him in the hallway of the rehab center that she was at.  He looked at me, put his hand on my left shoulder, and as I stood there with tears running down my face, my heart breaking he told me: “She is ok, she is going home with me finally.  You sparkle, are much stronger then you even realize,” We will always be here with you.  Then he walked down the hall and entered her room.

Later that morning, I asked my Tulips whom the white haired guy was that went into Grams’ room…. She asked what white haired man?  I said the man with the white curly hair and the twinkle in his eyes.

So this Memorial Day I am celebrating and honoring those people that I have lost, loved and will always be here in spirit with me!

“When one door closes, another one opens”

Taboo, Can a friend also be your lover?

Dear Taboo,

Moi feels that you need to give it more time before you make a decision as big as this.  First you need to let your friendship develop more, secondly, you need to let “him” figure out what is happening with this other guy, and as hard as it is, just be his friend.  YOU don’t want to be the rebound.  Or cause any conflict for him or anymore for yourself.

Life is never easy, and nor is love.  Love is brilliant and messy.  It sneaks up on us, takes over and sometimes with surrender, and sometimes it is dangerous for us to do so.

Ask yourself, what does your life, your soul need more…. A real genuine friend, or a lover?

And yes, I do feel that your friend can also be your lover.  Your lover should be your best friend, have your back, walk beside you, make you laugh, cry with you, listen, care, and then some…

Or you can tell him now, which personally I think is premature.  Sometimes in life we need to let the cards fall where they will.

Enjoy it for what it is as this moment.  He might very well be feeling the same about you?  And his other struggle is that he just started “seeing” someone.

Hang tight.  Be his friend first and foremost.

Divine Man

Is this Friendship Taboo?

Dear Divine Man,

I recently met a guy at a club.  I was with a gal pal, and he was with another guy. He and I engaged in a very friendly and entertaining conversation.  During the conversation I learned that he was casually “seeing” the guy he was there with.  They just started “seeing” each other about 2-3 weeks ago.  So I thought “he seems cool, god knows I would like another good friend in life.” We proceeded to exchange phone numbers.

The next morning I sent him a text: good morning, it was a pleasure to make your acquaintance.  He quickly replied:  I was just thinking about you, and was going to text you the same thing.  He has text-ed me daily, multiple times, and we have had more then one person comment:  You two should be dating, you are happy when near each other, or, you two make a very cute couple.

Needless to say, we have gone out, been chilling, laughing, talking about life, love and goals.  We established right away, while out for dinner the first night after meeting, that we both have been used, cheated on, and lied to.  Neither of us wants to feel that again.  See, in the gay world it seems that guys think that if they have sex, that…that makes them friends.  Where as I do not think or feel that way.  I guess I am old fashioned, and feel that guys can be friends without sealing the deal.

Here is my dilemma: I like him, I am really liking him, more then I should allow myself to.  He is “seeing” someone, and I value him as a person, and this new found friendship that is being created.  SO how do I handle this, and my growing feelings?  He has expressed to me that he is not all that happy with this guy, and that it’s more about business then love.  So do I make my feelings known or do I hide them and never voice them ever and just try and be his friend?

Help Me,

Taboo!

The Power of the Rosary And The Handsome Client!

“Picture It” A mildly warm winter day in paradise, the sun is shining, the breeze is lingering from the bay, and I am at work!  Which is why I have not wrote any “misadventures” as of late.  I am busy creating and designing floral masterpieces!  

(On a side note, my girlfriend MiMi sent me an email that she received from another person this week, it was a rosary prayer(she prays the rosary each morning over cigs and coffee) and it instructed me to recite the prayer and then ask the “rosary” a favor or for help.  So, Moi asked it:  Please let someone discover me, my phenomenal talent and help me rise to power, and success.  If I send it on to 6 others, within 4 days I will know the power of the rosary) 

Anywho, Moi is at work, looking kinda ruff, as it is my last day for the week.  So naturally as I was getting ready Friday morning, I thought “ummmm, I am not shaving today, and my hair is too long, so I am not doing much with it” and left the house, thankfully though I was wearing my “skinny ass jeans” and a black polo, unbuttoned.  

So there I am at my design counter, with one of the Managers talking about ? What I do not even remember, when I hear a man’s voice say:  Can you tell me who made the OZ piece in the front window?  I looked up and over to my left to see a very, very handsome man standing there.  He smiled as he asked me again, I replied with:  Why Sir, I designed it…You like it, I can tell.  Which means you need to buy it, as it is a very limited edition piece.  
He proceeded to tell me how exceptional my designs are.  Then the Manager chimed in and made the whole conversation all about her.  That’s right folks, all about her!  Can you imagine, someone doing that to Moi?  Nor can I, but she did.  Which as I watched the man watching me, trying not to listen to her, he eventually cut her off and said good-bye.  

She walked off then, and within 5-10 minutes later the man was back.  He was wearing black slacks, red and black socks, Spectators(black/white gangster shoes) a red sweater, and a black pea coat.  His features were dark, his hair was salt & pepper, his chest was solid and his lips were full, his goatee was well trimmed, and his eyes were intense as they looked at Moi.  He asked me about my designs, and continued to flatter me.  

I noticed we was slowly making himself closer to me, inch by inch.  Until we were rather close and he then presented me with a business card.  On the back of it was his direct line, and he told me almost in a whisper:  Be wise and call me!  He owns a prestigious event/design firm.  

I leaned into him and asked him: when would you like me to call you exactly?  He replied with… 8pm tonight.

I can’t say just yet what was discussed on the phone, but I can say this, I am not even Catholic, however I am going to buy me a whole case of rosaries!

Holy Shit!

The Fabulous La Riv

As you know, each year Moi goes all out for Halloween.  As I look back at years past and the costumes…The Phantom Of The Opera, Where’s Waldo, Peter Pan, Winafred Sanderson(Hocus Pocus), Cinderella, Carol Channings’ Hello Dolly, Maleficent and this past year, the Evil Queen.  Each year I design my costume, and the past few years, a dear friend of mine, named Lyle, aka La Riv, has brought my costumes to life.

He is extremely talented, and we never use a pattern, which he loves because it challenges him creatively to create my vision along with his for each costume!

His talent does not end there, by day he is a Graphic Designer, by night he is a sewing wizard!  La Riv specializes in Renaissance attire, Pirate garb, and more…he is a cross between Yule Brenner and Mr. Clean!

If you ever need a costume, etc… created for you, look him up on Facebook as La Riv!

The Toeless Armpit Licker!

As you know Moi has been a few dates through the years…

Some have been explosive, some have been blind, some have been ghostly, and some have even had missing parts!  Which brings to mind “The Toeless Armpit Licker!”

“Picture It” a sunny filled warm summer day, a gentle breeze is arousing my perfect skin as I walk along the lake.  As I stroll along I notice a man, a rather attractive man no less.  He is sitting on a park bench.  He is wearing fitted jean shorts, a white sleeveless shirt and walking shoes.  He is slender, with short dark hair, a handle-bar moustache, piercing dark blue eyes and wire framed glasses.  His skin is tanned and his arms are strong with muscles.  Naturally, Moi thinks “I wonder if he knows what time it is?” so I walk up to him, in my short red shorts, white t-top, and red walking shoes.  My hair is glistening with perspiration as it trickles down my tan back and all the way down to the crack of my perky booty.  I approach the handsome stranger and ask him “kind handsome sir, would you know what time it is?” and he must have been reading my mind, because he answered with “I think it is time I took you home and got you in the shower so I can wash you all over!”  Well Moi just stood there and blushed, stumbling for the perfect reply.  I replied with “my, my sir you are forward indeed, I like that in a man that knows how to make full use of his time!”

After sitting on the park bench with him, talking and laughing for over two hours, I decided to ask him to come to my place while I shower, alone, and then we could go out for dinner.  Needless to say, dinner ran a bit late, some intense necking got in the way!

After a few more dates, which were all very innocent, and fun I agreed to come to his home for a weekend and meet his friends.  He lived in a nearby city and so I went there with much anticipation!

The weekend was going along perfectly, his friends were funny, welcoming, and we all seemed to be having a great time!  It was approaching dusk and we decided to head back to his place.  After another intense make out session, he asked me if he could finally give me that “washing”… I thought what the hell!  As I watched him remove his shorts, g-string, shirt…Moi thought “so very nice!”

Then he removes his shoes, followed by his socks, he then walks to the bathroom to start the shower.  As he walks, I notice he has a slight odd walk.  It appears he is walking on his heels.  Oh well, maybe the floor is cold or something?  I undress and walk into the shower to join him, and as we lather up, Moi accidentally drops the soap.  It really is an accident, I bend down to find the soap, and while I am down there I notice that he is missing the exact same toe on each foot.  In that moment my mind starts spinning and thinking “what would Seinfeld do?”

After the shower, he starts to dry me off,  from top to bottom.  I return the favor and as I get down to his 8 toes I can’t help but be bothered by this.  Although on the other hand, his feet were faster to dry off then mine.  Maybe missing a few toes is a good thing?  Moi then excuses myself and goes to the other bathroom in his house, I lock the door and call Tulips.  I says…Tulips, he is missing a toe on each foot!  She says not to worry, because even if he puts his foot in his mouth, he won’t choke(due to the missing toes)!

Moi then returns to the bedroom…

We then slip into bed and he begins to kiss me.  All is going good, when all of a sudden he lifts my arms up and begins to lick my armpits!  At first I just lay there and think “what the hell is this freak doing to me?” and then I think is this guy for real, he is actually licking my armpits!  OMFG!  Is this really happening?

Needless to say all did not work out for us, and we parted ways.

When I think back to this tale, of The Toeless Armpit Licker, I realize, it is not the size of a man’s shoe that is important, but how many toes he has!