An EBT Card, Fire Starters and 2 Teeth!

There I was, standing the checkout line at the grocery store when a man’s voice from behind started, as I turned around I realized he was talking to Moi… he asked if I could give him my $20.00 bill I held in my hands in exchange for the use of his shiny new EBT card. I looked at him for a second and replied with…no, as my nostrils began to take in the odor that seemed to permeate from his clothing. His clothes and breath reeked of cigarettes and booze. He began to tell me he had a sick girlfriend and baby. So I asked him “if your EBT card had money on it, then why would you need my cold hard cash?” He did not answer. Then began to get vulgar with me as if HIS issues were my fault. The cashier and bagger stood there, said and did nothing to help contain this situation.

I left the store minding my own business and went to the car. As I put the bags into the back seat and closed the door I then looked up and saw the vulgar man standing there. He again started yelling at Moi for not helping him. When he finally stopped his tantrum fit, I looked him in the eye and simply told him “perhaps you should look in the mirror at yourself for about 7 days straight, without smoking…because maybe then you will have the money you need for more important things like getting your girlfriend and baby the proper medical attention…if they even are really sick? Tell me, do I look like I was born yesterday? And with that I got in the car and left.

As I was driving along I notice a woman standing against a wall and in one hand she was holding up a sign that read “Please Help-Need Money, My house burned down!” and in the other hand she was holding onto a lit cigarette! Really, really? All I could think was “did the cigarette burn it down, she might want to stop that habit, or maybe not be smoking while trying to get free money for her burned down house” I had to giggle at the contradiction of the scene before me.

Soon after that I went into a bagel shop for some fresh lox and bagels. I approached the counter and saw a skinny attractive looking(until she opened her mouth) female clerk. She began to smile and ask if I needed anything. I noticed she only had 2 teeth, and then she wiped her nose with her bare hands. I decided it might be safer if I just left. I guess I now know why she was so thin…because she could not eat the bagels with only 2 teeth.

I can see it now…tomorrow’s bagel of the day…Boogie filled Bagels!

Gray Hairs BE GONE!

Moi has noticed a few gray hairs on various parts of my perfect body!  Can you imagine the horror, the disgust and shame I am experiencing?

Moi has seen some gray hairs, but never on my head or my body!  At this very moment I am drinking right from the box of wine.  I think I will install a shelf on the wall next to my desk that is higher so that I can attach a tube to the end of the nozzle and stick in my mouth.  That way my hands are free to type!  

Anywho...a few days ago I was giving myself a "trim" and that is when the horror began!  So I thought if I remove all the hair, then I will not have to deal with this embarrassing situation.  But then I thought...when it grows back I will either have to shave it all off again or it will grow in with more gray.  So I decided I would color it and that way it would look natural, without the gray.  So I got out my bag of tricks, colored my hair on my head(the one on my shoulders) and then the rest of it as well all the way down to my toes!

After the 45 minute processing time, I stepped into the shower and washed it out.  As I washed I realized that the color had now stained my skin.  The entire front of my body was now mocha brown!  I know I wanted a deep tan, but this was pure awful looking.  What am I to do now?  I will have to cancel my Playgirl photo session for sure! 

I scrubbed and scrubbed my body til it was raw!  I even used bleach, Lava soap, Spic and Span and Mineral Spirits!   Nothing was removing the stain from my once flawless skin.

Needless to say, I will not be out walking around in the buff anytime soon.  Perhaps I could turn this into a new trend? 

Greetings and Gossip from Paradise!

Over the past few weeks Moi has been dealing with a lot of shit! No really, I have had a bad case of diarrhea…and as you already know from “The Explosive Date” when it blows, it blows!

Anywho, recently I got a letter from a neighbor that is in Paradise, and she was filling me in on all the gossip! Apparently there is a woman that has taken up residence on 69^th St. She had lived there years ago with her frail mother. While she was there, she operated a revolving door business out of their home. Now she is back and God only knows what she plans to do this time? Oh, and then there is Jose’ who lives up the street about 2 doors, he is raising chickens in his domain…he is hoping to get the golden egg! He says he likes raising hens, but loves cocks!

Then there is Judith, who has started taking up walking her dog late at night, wearing pj’s, and a miners light strapped around her dam head…people have been complaining that she is using her “flood light” to shine for naked men or women in the trees?

OMG! I almost forgot, the “Paradise Community Managers” were terminated for embezzling, the wife was having sex with a resident and waived his monthly fees, the husband was engaging in sexual relations with minors(let me cut his balls off) and they had 5 other homes in the area that were pot farms.

One never knows who or what is living next to you.

Don’t let the white picket fence fool you, is it always the unexpected ones!