The Awakening...A Love Beyond Time, The Coma

What I think was late last night(Tulips and Big Daddy were back at my side...praying that I would wake up, and mentioned it was late...about 10:30pm and said they would be back tomorrow) he came back again last night.

I did not know that I could smell while in a coma?  Or perhaps it was magical?  But the minute he walked in the intoxicating and heavenly scent of gardenias filled my nostrils.  How does he know these are my favorites?  I must know him... He just seems so familiar to me.  I wonder who he is, what he looks like and if I don't know him, then why is he here? and how did he find me?

Who am I to question why this man, whom apparently feels compassion for me?
Perhaps this is my fate?
Perhaps this is what was meant to happen?
Perhaps I will never wake up from this dam coma?
Perhaps this will be the day my life begins again?

I am not sure how long he stayed with me, but he began telling me a story about another time, another era.  It was a tale as old as time, it crossed many decades, generations, and a love so strong that not even an explosion, a sinking ship, could separate the love of the two people he spoke of.

As he talked, thought about all the loss and sadness that I have felt this year while my body laid lifeless.  My heart is still broken from the loss of Diva Girl, but somewhere in all of this something, no...someone has begun to fill the broken pieces of my heart with with a newness, a new strength. What the twin a-holes have done to me is scandalous and deceitful and all the other secrets I have learned from various people...whatever shall I do with all this info if and when I wake up?

He continued to tell this tale, of how they met, and eventually boarded a cruise ship that was suppose to be life changing for them.  It was there that the two lovers were engaged.  But fate would thrown a rock in their path.

It was then that I realized who he is...was....could it really be?  how is this even possible?

He then slipped the ring onto my finger.

Somehow I found a renewed burst of life travel through my entire body...

I wrapped my fingers around his hand...it was just for maybe an instant...maybe it was longer.  But I did it.

Perhaps "A Love Beyond Time" was possible after all?

The Awakening...The Coma

I must have been dreaming, was he here? was he really here with me?  I still do not know who he is, but I have the strongest feeling that I do!

Did he see my left hand move?  did he tell anyone?


I must have fallen asleep in my own body for awhile?  Because the next thing I know there are people in my room with me again.  Talking fast, moving all around me.

That's when I did it again, I moved my left hand...my fingers actually.  They all were clapping their hands I think?  Talking and laughing and then rushed out...

Am I waking up?  Am I finally coming back?

A Masterpiece of Beauty....The Coma

The mystery man came back again.  He seemed to have waited long enough until after Tulips and Big Daddy came to see me.  I am always happy to see them, they can't always be here with me, which I know just devastates Tulips.  Because they split their time between here and home in the Midwest with my adorable nephews.  Gosh I wonder how big they all have gotten?  I wonder if I will ever see them again?

They brought me a Christmas Tree, Big Daddy, I am trying to come back, I am using all of my will to move my hand, a finger, or open my eyes.

What seemed like for hours after they left, could have been only mere minutes.  He came back to see me again.  This time he took both of my hands in his, he held them tightly.  He moved closer to me, as I could again feel his warmth on my face, my neck.  Then he was gone as was his warmth.

I maybe in a coma but I know when someone wants to kiss me.

I recognized my Dr's and a few nurses' voices.  They were apparently checking my vitals, they said something about my heart rate speeding up and were now moving my limbs,

Was I starting to wake up?  Could it be this mystery man was evoking some kind of magical energy in me?

Eventually he came back.  Again holding my hands, his hands were the warmth of sunrise.  I must know him, or perhaps we had met prior to the accident?  Or was he simply a good Samaritan...

As I lay there I could feel his warmth once again close to me.  Close to my lips.

In that moment, he was so close to me, his lips were almost upon mine... and in that moment the man of mystery finally spoke the following words to my lifeless body..You are truly a Divine Man, you have always been and always will be a masterpiece of beauty, magnetic energy, pureness, strength, and love.  You are all I think about, all I have ever wanted...to know, to care for, to protect, to love.
I remember the very first time we ever met.  There was a cosmetic energy between us.  When we met, I felt as if I were looking at an angel.  An angel that was created just for me.  An angel I so desperately needed.

I know I know this man, he is so very familiar to me, his voice, his touch, his beating heart.

If only I could ....wait, wait...I so need to move my fingers, my eyes, something.  What seemed like an eternity for me, I moved my left hand.  I finally was able to move my left hand.

Did he see it?

Time Heals....The Coma

They say time heals all wounds.  I think whomever said that was either referring to a broken toe or a hangover.

As I lay here in this coma, I wonder if anyone can see my tears, or if one does not dry in a coma?

I have been heartbroken, my walls have crumbled around me, I have been to hell and back, but I have never felt such an emptiness inside of me as I feel now.  I have never felt such grief, loss, and sorrow as I have since I had to say goodbye to my sweet angel Iris.

Since being in this coma I have had time...all the time in the world to try and heal from the inside.  However I do not think I have?  Perhaps time has stopped for me, but not for the rest of the world.  Perhaps when I do wake up, if I ever do, everything will be as it was for me so many months ago.  Maybe I will not remember what I have learned from all the lying cheating people that have walked into my hospital room.

Not only have I learned of lies of deceit, but I have also learned that there are people that are cheating on the spouses, want a divorce, are fighting depression, HIV, Cancer, feeling broken, people that have lost hope in humanity, that simply wish to end their life.  Or the guy that is bored with his marriage, but yet has to cheat. Or the female that feels undesired, or the friend whose husband fled the country to seek refuge from the law.  To learn that another dear friend(a male) is in love with a man that is "straight" and another gf that is yearning for love in all the wrong places.

Does time ever truly heal all wounds?

The Mystery Man of Silence....The Coma

I don't know his name,

He has been coming to see me, sit with me while I lay here in this coma. This long lingering god forsaken coma.  He does not really talk to me much, but he does hold my hand, rub my shoulders, and I can feel the warmth of his heart, his compassion. His silence is comforting.  You see everyone that comes to see me and visit my lifeless body explodes with either loud sobs, wild emotional outbursts or feels the need to unburden themselves by revealing truths.

So whoever this mystery man is....he is refreshing.

I have been praying and hoping that both Brady and his twin never come back here again.  And that when I wake up they stay far away.  How could he, how could he have lied to me for so many years about so many things and think the truth would never come out.  The truth always comes out.

While I have had all the time in the world to think about my life...how it was before, my darling diva girl, Having to make the decision to end her suffering.  Being able to hopefully find peace in that, to not take people for granted, hugging those I care and love more....often.  To really fighting to make my dreams become reality.  To maybe even meeting someone actually honest to get to know, become friends, and fall in love with.

I have regrets, yes even Divine Man has regrets.  If I could only go back.  If only I could awaken and start over.

Lies, All Lies.....

So here I am… in this dam coma.

Its been weeks, maybe months… I should say my parents have been with me day and night.  Funny how  it is….I was thousands of miles from them when I lost my Dive Girl Iris.

I have been in this coma like state since late November 2014.   People come and go.  They visit me, they talk to me. 

This unknown man decided to visit my hospital room.   He initially introduced himself as Bryce.  Brady’s identical twin brother.  He sat there for what seemed hours…then I guess walked in Brady.  Brady and Bryce started to argue and yell, scream about me, about Brady’s secret life, his wife, his kids. 

I am trying to move every single inch of my dead body. 

So as I lay there Brady tries to explain and hide his lies, his infidelity, his eternal lies of desperation. 

So I find myself in love with 2…twins, identical twins.  Brady and Bryce.

As I lay there in a coma, I listen to the unfolding information…  I try to move my fingers one at a time…  my hands….  My arms are lifeless…

Brady and Bryce continue to yell at each other about how each of them are better suited for me. 

“Can I say something…guys I am here ….It’s me….Divine Man.  I am here just wake me up.  One of you. 

It’s like love’s true kiss. Like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty… Someone kisssssssss…. Meeeeeeeeeeeee.

They stand there yelling and screaming at each other about how he…..Brady lied….  Lied about what?  Thank God I am in a coma….   So Brady….What did you lie about?  Yet again?    

Brady…Why have you never told Him the truth…  The truth about your wife Kayla.  The fact that you are still married legally to  her, and you intend to stay, to remain that way forever.  Why can’t you let HIM go, let HIM be happy ,find happiness?

What is your problem, you sick twisted fucker?  How could you do this to him, better yet I should have never have done this to him..  At the time I thought I was helping you….like I always did, helping you out of your sick situations.   

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Coma-Chapter 1

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Coma-Chapter 1: As I lay here with all the time in the world to think, ponder my thoughts, my feelings of what Brady has shared with me while laying here h...

The Coma-Chapter 1

As I lay here with all the time in the world to think, ponder my thoughts, my feelings of what Brady has shared with me while laying here helpless.  I am still in shock, I am hurt, extremely angry that he sent his identical twin brother, Bryce to meet me that very first weekend!  I have felt used and thrown away like trash but this trumps all of that.  I feel dirty and betrayed.  I was a whore and I did not even know it. 

So I ask myself over and over again, why?  Why would he lie about having a twin brother? Did I mention an identical twin brother?  I just cannot wrap my mind around his motive for doing such a despicable thing to me? To anyone? And if he could lie to me about that- then what else is he lying to me about?

My thoughts are disrupted by my Mother and Father, and what sounds like a number of people. 

One by one each of my dear friends come to my bedside and sit down and touch my face, my hair, hold my hands.  Tell me why is it even in a coma people think I want them to touch my hair?  As if!

Anywho…

First my dear sweet friend Jolene aka The Glam Clam!  Wow how sweet of her to fly in from the Midwest to Paradise to come see me! 

Next is my dear funny and ever loving free spirited gal pal MiMi!  And her crazy Sister, but in a good kind of crazy way….Constance.

Third in line is my favorite costume tailor and sexy ex Lionel aka La Riv and his super sexy wifey who is always full of smiles and kisses for Moi!  

Next is my friend Maryanne.  Now Maryanne is very sweet, has a very big heart, a soft spot for yours truly, yet she always seems to cry when she is around me, just like she is again.  Now I understand why she cries when with me, I mean who wouldn’t….I mean just the thought of being in my company is enough to make you cry! 

I wonder who else they brought.  Did they rent a private jet or a bus? 

They all decide to take shifts sitting with me, hoping and praying that I would open my baby blues.

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Coma, Chapter 1 Continues....

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Coma, Chapter 1 Continues....: The next day brought my oldest (did I mention oldest) dearest friend, on again off again paramour and confidant…the one….thee only….Brady. ...

The Coma, Chapter 1 Continues....

The next day brought my oldest (did I mention oldest) dearest friend, on again off again paramour and confidant…the one….thee only….Brady.

You all are likely wondering where was he when I was being struck by that rather large branch in the midst of that wild storm?  I am glad you asked…. He was helping himself to my plush penthouse, indulging himself to my fine box wines, black and white label caviar, and my private stash of clove cigars.

Typical, so typical of a man.

Anywho, at least he is here now. Oh did I mention he was in my summer penthouse in the Midwest? Yeah not here in Paradise.  So in all fairness he did have to take the red eye out to get here.

After a long conversation with Tulips and Big Daddy, he sits down as they go to my paradise penthouse for some much needed rest.  I love my parents, however I can only imagine how rough they look after being here for what could be 24, 48 hours or more? As I have no real sense of time.  All I know is what day it was when I went on that fateful walk.

There we are, me lying there comatose, praying that Tulips made me presentable, and hoping that he can bring me out of this!  If anyone can, I would think it would be him.

Brady starts talking about how HE NEEDS Moi to wake up!  How he is so deeply sorry for not being there that day and has not slept a minute since he got called from my parents.  He proceeds to share with me that he cannot imagine a world in which I am not awake, laughing, being the center of attention at all the glamorous parties, glistening in the sun, smiling and signing autographs…

He then gets real serious.  Divine Man….I need to tell you something, something I should have told you when we first met via penpalsforlife.com.  However I truly never thought we would meet ever, given the fact that you…well….are simply so divine.  But then we did meet.  And I have been harboring a secret from you and the rest of the world. 

This is so hard for me to say this….but…well here goes… I ….am….I have an identical twin brother.  And you need to know EVERYTHING about us is identical….right down to our….

OMFG!!!!!

I cannot believe what I am hearing.  After almost 20 years, he decides to tell me now! WTF!!!!!  Really?  As I lay there I try and try to move my hand …..More importantly I try to give him the “bird” but to no avail. 

He continues his story….

His identical twin is named Bryce. He tells me about Bryce, his existence and that I have met him on many occasions when Brady himself could not be present.  Like the night we had arranged to meet for the first time in person.  

And what a night that was, actually it was a weekend!  

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Coma, Chapter 1 continued...

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Coma, Chapter 1 continued...: Apparently I was in a hospital or clinic of some kind, as my body laid very still on the bed, I could hear voices at different times coming...

The Coma, Chapter 1 continued...

Apparently I was in a hospital or clinic of some kind, as my body laid very still on the bed, I could hear voices at different times coming and going.  I guess they were Doctors, nurses, etc…

I don’t even know how long I have been here? Or the time or the date?  I wonder what they are feeding me.  I hope they know I am on a diet!  This is insane!  Why can’t I move my hands, toes, fingers or open my eyes?  ARRRRHHHHHHHH!

Wait, wait….finally…Tulips and Big Daddy are here!  They will know I am in here and fighting to come back!  There is another voice, ah alas it is a Doctor (I hope he is cute).  Hopefully he can shed some light on this whole messed up situation.  He will tell them that I will wake up at any given minute.  That this is just induced, or that it is temporary. It has to be.  Right?

Tulips takes my hand into hers, holds it on her heart.  I can feel her heart beating rapidly and I can feel her tears dripping onto my hand.  Big Daddy is standing next to her.  He is emotional as the Doctor explains that he has no idea as to how long the coma will last.  He also explains that there is no long term brain injury, but that until I wake up he won’t know for sure if there will be any lasting side effects. 

He then asks if anything traumatic had happened to me prior to this accident.  Tulips and Big Daddy ask the Doctor to talk out in the hall.  What the hell?  Why are they going outside? HELLOOOO you can talk openly in here, it’s not like I can say anything!

HELLOOOO…..  Hello…..Hello.

It could have been minutes, but seemed like hours before my parents were back in the room.

They continued to sit vigil at my bedside.  Talking to me, telling me how much they love me, adore me, worship the ground I walk on.  They pleaded with me to open my eyes.  I wanted to say…..Hello, yeah I am in a coma here, I can’t seem to open my eyes right now, I am out of order!

They eventually fell asleep.  Dam its quiet in here.  

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Beginning of the Coma, chapter 1

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Beginning of the Coma, chapter 1: The last thing I remember is feeling so empty, yet filled with such great sorrow and dread.  I remember going to work feeling like a hollow...

The Beginning of the Coma, chapter 1

The last thing I remember is feeling so empty, yet filled with such great sorrow and dread.  I remember going to work feeling like a hollow cold shell that walked around in a daze.  I would excuse myself from co-workers and retreat into the bathroom where I would stand and sob. 

Nothing seemed to get better.  I missed her.  I hated myself, and wanted to turn the clock back. But I could not. I could not do a dam thing. 

I resigned from my position, for it was no longer the job I was passionate about.  That was over, and my heart had died that day along with Iris.  So I began thinking… why go to a place that only adds to my unhappiness?  Would she want me to continue like this or would she want to see me happy?

It was only a week since I lost her and felt that maybe a quiet walk in the woods would help me? Maybe help me find some peace if even only for a moment.  I was walking along, lost in my sorrow and in my thoughts of despair.  I never even heard the thunder or the lightning start.  I guess I recall feeling and hearing the rain hit the ground and all around me.  I just kept walking in a trance towards nothing really.  I guess that is when the rather large tree branch fell and knocked me off my feet and into the air.  In the last moments before I lost consciousness I felt something warm and sticky on my head.  I reached for the warm substance and saw red. 

All was black.  All was dark.

I eventually heard people talking frantically all at once and then sirens blaring.  And then nothing.  All was dark, All was still.  My body was not responding.  I was a prisoner in my own body. 

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Aftermath, Picking up the pieces, the beginnin...

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Aftermath, Picking up the pieces, the beginnin...: Have you ever been in a coma?  Have you ever felt like you just existed?  Have you ever felt “dead” and just existed day by day with voices...

The Aftermath, Picking up the pieces, the beginning of the coma...

Have you ever been in a coma?  Have you ever felt like you just existed?  Have you ever felt “dead” and just existed day by day with voices all around you, life happening all around you but you cannot reach out and grab it?

Last November I had to, no wait, actually ….I did the most painful thing I have had to do thus far.  My Diva Girl of 16 years was slowly losing her flame.  I struggled for months as I watched her deteriorate day by day.  She was and is my everything.  I cried for days, weeks, mornings, afternoons, nights, many nights… I would go to work crying.  I would cry at the pool, at the grocery store, at the gas station.

Iris(Diva Girl) was not only just a dog or a pet, she was my sidekick, my child(the only offspring I will ever have), my hope in this world of sadness.  She saw only the good in me, loved me unconditionally, loved me for me, when no one else would.

She did. She loved me. ME!

I sit here reflecting on my life with her,  I cry tears of pain, happy memories, sadness for knowing the last time I saw her was the day she was no longer able to use her back legs, she had been losing control over her bowels, and when I made the more-then-heart wrenching decision to let her go….  I knew my heart was broken and I knew what I had to do.  I held her so tight.  As tight as I could.

We got to the clinic and went inside.  She knew that this was our final day, our final moments together.  I sat there and filled out the paper work and as I did she lost control of her bowels and I turned around to check on her and saw what had happened.  I knew that this was the right thing to do for her.  For me, it was the worst thing to do.  But it was not about me or my pain.  It was about hers.  And how deeply I love her. Our bond is unbreakable.  Our love for each other is never-ending.

After telling her for the million in one times how deeply I loved her, they came and took her away.  I stood there and felt numb, felt raw, felt so disgusted with life, choices, and wanting to scream and break everything and anything.  Wanting more than anything to run into that room and stop the procedure and grab her off that cold stainless steel table.  WHY DID I NOT STOP IT?  WHY DID I NOT SAVE HER? 

I WAS HER CHAMPION, AND I WAS LETTING HER DOWN.  I FAILED HER.

I would have given my life for hers.  To know that she was healthy again, running around being the crazy girl she was.  Jumping like a kangaroo, flying through the air like a reindeer and looking at me with her head tilted to the right, just ajar. 

I left the clinic that day empty inside, feeling broken, destroyed.  Feeling pain beyond pain, numbness and the desire to want to close my eyes and never wake up. 

That was the day the coma started. 

What happened while I was in the coma is another story.