The Aftermath, Picking up the pieces, the beginning of the coma...

Have you ever been in a coma?  Have you ever felt like you just existed?  Have you ever felt “dead” and just existed day by day with voices all around you, life happening all around you but you cannot reach out and grab it?

Last November I had to, no wait, actually ….I did the most painful thing I have had to do thus far.  My Diva Girl of 16 years was slowly losing her flame.  I struggled for months as I watched her deteriorate day by day.  She was and is my everything.  I cried for days, weeks, mornings, afternoons, nights, many nights… I would go to work crying.  I would cry at the pool, at the grocery store, at the gas station.

Iris(Diva Girl) was not only just a dog or a pet, she was my sidekick, my child(the only offspring I will ever have), my hope in this world of sadness.  She saw only the good in me, loved me unconditionally, loved me for me, when no one else would.

She did. She loved me. ME!

I sit here reflecting on my life with her,  I cry tears of pain, happy memories, sadness for knowing the last time I saw her was the day she was no longer able to use her back legs, she had been losing control over her bowels, and when I made the more-then-heart wrenching decision to let her go….  I knew my heart was broken and I knew what I had to do.  I held her so tight.  As tight as I could.

We got to the clinic and went inside.  She knew that this was our final day, our final moments together.  I sat there and filled out the paper work and as I did she lost control of her bowels and I turned around to check on her and saw what had happened.  I knew that this was the right thing to do for her.  For me, it was the worst thing to do.  But it was not about me or my pain.  It was about hers.  And how deeply I love her. Our bond is unbreakable.  Our love for each other is never-ending.

After telling her for the million in one times how deeply I loved her, they came and took her away.  I stood there and felt numb, felt raw, felt so disgusted with life, choices, and wanting to scream and break everything and anything.  Wanting more than anything to run into that room and stop the procedure and grab her off that cold stainless steel table.  WHY DID I NOT STOP IT?  WHY DID I NOT SAVE HER? 

I WAS HER CHAMPION, AND I WAS LETTING HER DOWN.  I FAILED HER.

I would have given my life for hers.  To know that she was healthy again, running around being the crazy girl she was.  Jumping like a kangaroo, flying through the air like a reindeer and looking at me with her head tilted to the right, just ajar. 

I left the clinic that day empty inside, feeling broken, destroyed.  Feeling pain beyond pain, numbness and the desire to want to close my eyes and never wake up. 

That was the day the coma started. 

What happened while I was in the coma is another story.