So I recently had the pleasure of attending the opening of a new bistro(it was my first outing since the coma) for a brunch with about 75 of my closet peeps!
As I was sitting there enjoying this very special morning, just being there, alive, awake...signing autographs, having photo ops, air-kissing like crazy, getting a hug like every 5 minutes, and being the center of every ones universe again... all was right with the world.
I was walking with a cane as my legs had grown weak from being in the coma. My cane was rather spectacular, as it was a metallic red along the shaft, and had a rather large Diamond on the top of it. I was wearing a new outfit, which had been designed just for Moi!
My hair was down just past my perky tata's, my ass needed a slight lift, but with the help of duct tape and a new girdle I was looking radiant. My skin was clear and line free as always.
I learned that while I was in the coma, the hospital staff would call me "Sleeping Beauty" as they checked on me.
Anywho...
Our food was delivered to our table and glasses were being poured full with bubbly and everyone was laughing and rejoicing all around me. It was an exceptional moment to behold.
And then I saw him. He appeared as if out of the air.
He smiled at me, nodded his head and placed his hand on his heart. I felt my face grow warm and red, and then that old familiar sturrin' from down under...
As I arose from my seat, everyone stood up and wanted to assist Moi to the restroom. The manager of the lovely bistro offered me the use of his private restroom. I walked in smiling and wincing to try and look gracious and to stop the cramps... I locked the door behind me, and attempted to run to the toilet. I made it just in time, I guess my inners were not yet working perfectly yet. I sat there as I relieved myself, sweating and thinking......why am I always in a restaurant when this shit happens?
I soon realized in horror that there was no paper on the rolls. WTF! I had left my cell phone on the table, so there would be no S.O.S. I sat there thinking....mmmmm...Divine Man, you have been through far worse then this...so I thought... when is France, one must do what the French do... use a Bidet! I very carefully lifted my sagging ass up on top of the sink and turned the warm water on.
I gotta say, it felt amazing! It felt so good that I sat there for about 20 minutes or so....finally I realized that there were people on the other-side of the door pounding in frantic to make sure I was ok.
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