The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Coma, Chapter 1 continued...

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Coma, Chapter 1 continued...: Apparently I was in a hospital or clinic of some kind, as my body laid very still on the bed, I could hear voices at different times coming...

The Coma, Chapter 1 continued...

Apparently I was in a hospital or clinic of some kind, as my body laid very still on the bed, I could hear voices at different times coming and going.  I guess they were Doctors, nurses, etc…

I don’t even know how long I have been here? Or the time or the date?  I wonder what they are feeding me.  I hope they know I am on a diet!  This is insane!  Why can’t I move my hands, toes, fingers or open my eyes?  ARRRRHHHHHHHH!

Wait, wait….finally…Tulips and Big Daddy are here!  They will know I am in here and fighting to come back!  There is another voice, ah alas it is a Doctor (I hope he is cute).  Hopefully he can shed some light on this whole messed up situation.  He will tell them that I will wake up at any given minute.  That this is just induced, or that it is temporary. It has to be.  Right?

Tulips takes my hand into hers, holds it on her heart.  I can feel her heart beating rapidly and I can feel her tears dripping onto my hand.  Big Daddy is standing next to her.  He is emotional as the Doctor explains that he has no idea as to how long the coma will last.  He also explains that there is no long term brain injury, but that until I wake up he won’t know for sure if there will be any lasting side effects. 

He then asks if anything traumatic had happened to me prior to this accident.  Tulips and Big Daddy ask the Doctor to talk out in the hall.  What the hell?  Why are they going outside? HELLOOOO you can talk openly in here, it’s not like I can say anything!

HELLOOOO…..  Hello…..Hello.

It could have been minutes, but seemed like hours before my parents were back in the room.

They continued to sit vigil at my bedside.  Talking to me, telling me how much they love me, adore me, worship the ground I walk on.  They pleaded with me to open my eyes.  I wanted to say…..Hello, yeah I am in a coma here, I can’t seem to open my eyes right now, I am out of order!

They eventually fell asleep.  Dam its quiet in here.  

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Beginning of the Coma, chapter 1

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Beginning of the Coma, chapter 1: The last thing I remember is feeling so empty, yet filled with such great sorrow and dread.  I remember going to work feeling like a hollow...

The Beginning of the Coma, chapter 1

The last thing I remember is feeling so empty, yet filled with such great sorrow and dread.  I remember going to work feeling like a hollow cold shell that walked around in a daze.  I would excuse myself from co-workers and retreat into the bathroom where I would stand and sob. 

Nothing seemed to get better.  I missed her.  I hated myself, and wanted to turn the clock back. But I could not. I could not do a dam thing. 

I resigned from my position, for it was no longer the job I was passionate about.  That was over, and my heart had died that day along with Iris.  So I began thinking… why go to a place that only adds to my unhappiness?  Would she want me to continue like this or would she want to see me happy?

It was only a week since I lost her and felt that maybe a quiet walk in the woods would help me? Maybe help me find some peace if even only for a moment.  I was walking along, lost in my sorrow and in my thoughts of despair.  I never even heard the thunder or the lightning start.  I guess I recall feeling and hearing the rain hit the ground and all around me.  I just kept walking in a trance towards nothing really.  I guess that is when the rather large tree branch fell and knocked me off my feet and into the air.  In the last moments before I lost consciousness I felt something warm and sticky on my head.  I reached for the warm substance and saw red. 

All was black.  All was dark.

I eventually heard people talking frantically all at once and then sirens blaring.  And then nothing.  All was dark, All was still.  My body was not responding.  I was a prisoner in my own body. 

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Aftermath, Picking up the pieces, the beginnin...

The Misadventures Of A Divine Man!: The Aftermath, Picking up the pieces, the beginnin...: Have you ever been in a coma?  Have you ever felt like you just existed?  Have you ever felt “dead” and just existed day by day with voices...

The Aftermath, Picking up the pieces, the beginning of the coma...

Have you ever been in a coma?  Have you ever felt like you just existed?  Have you ever felt “dead” and just existed day by day with voices all around you, life happening all around you but you cannot reach out and grab it?

Last November I had to, no wait, actually ….I did the most painful thing I have had to do thus far.  My Diva Girl of 16 years was slowly losing her flame.  I struggled for months as I watched her deteriorate day by day.  She was and is my everything.  I cried for days, weeks, mornings, afternoons, nights, many nights… I would go to work crying.  I would cry at the pool, at the grocery store, at the gas station.

Iris(Diva Girl) was not only just a dog or a pet, she was my sidekick, my child(the only offspring I will ever have), my hope in this world of sadness.  She saw only the good in me, loved me unconditionally, loved me for me, when no one else would.

She did. She loved me. ME!

I sit here reflecting on my life with her,  I cry tears of pain, happy memories, sadness for knowing the last time I saw her was the day she was no longer able to use her back legs, she had been losing control over her bowels, and when I made the more-then-heart wrenching decision to let her go….  I knew my heart was broken and I knew what I had to do.  I held her so tight.  As tight as I could.

We got to the clinic and went inside.  She knew that this was our final day, our final moments together.  I sat there and filled out the paper work and as I did she lost control of her bowels and I turned around to check on her and saw what had happened.  I knew that this was the right thing to do for her.  For me, it was the worst thing to do.  But it was not about me or my pain.  It was about hers.  And how deeply I love her. Our bond is unbreakable.  Our love for each other is never-ending.

After telling her for the million in one times how deeply I loved her, they came and took her away.  I stood there and felt numb, felt raw, felt so disgusted with life, choices, and wanting to scream and break everything and anything.  Wanting more than anything to run into that room and stop the procedure and grab her off that cold stainless steel table.  WHY DID I NOT STOP IT?  WHY DID I NOT SAVE HER? 

I WAS HER CHAMPION, AND I WAS LETTING HER DOWN.  I FAILED HER.

I would have given my life for hers.  To know that she was healthy again, running around being the crazy girl she was.  Jumping like a kangaroo, flying through the air like a reindeer and looking at me with her head tilted to the right, just ajar. 

I left the clinic that day empty inside, feeling broken, destroyed.  Feeling pain beyond pain, numbness and the desire to want to close my eyes and never wake up. 

That was the day the coma started. 

What happened while I was in the coma is another story.   

Chocolate Covered Cherries, In Remembrance...

It really is amazing how a simple object or item could hold so much power and bring so much silliness to two people.  To two individuals that were vastly different yet shared one common thing.

When I was just a young child(I know, everyone says I still look like a young child) I asked my Mother- Tulips… What can I get my Godfather for Christmas?  She replied “I think he likes Chocolate Covered Cherries.”  So that year I spent a whole $0.50 on a box of them, I was so excited and proud that I was giving him something he truly enjoyed.

That Christmas Eve we all gathered at my Grand’s house, and I was elated with giggles and anticipation at his reaction to his gift.  It seemed like hours and hours, until I could give him his gift.  Finally the moment was at hand, and I reached under the tree and took his gift in my hands and walked it over to him.

He unwrapped the gift, and a huge smile and  a burst of laughter came from his mouth!  I thought “ah ha success!”

A number of years went on with me giving him a box of these cherries each year.  Finally one year he gave me a gift back…  The present was cold to the touch, and I thought “maybe it’s ice cream?”  I started to unwrap it and low and behold… it was a frozen box of CCC!   He had frozen the previous years box of CCC and kept in his freezer for me.

This went back and forth with the same box in my freezer and his, back and forth…

As the years passed, the CCC gifts got bigger, crazier and more creative.  Everything from CCC Cake, CCC cookies, CCC drinks, larger then life sized CCC’s, and more…

He and I looked so forward to each year, how we could put a new spin on those nasty tasting things.  We competed to out do one another.  It wasn't until many years later that I learned he did not even like them, nor do I.

Last year I made him a Chocolate Covered Cherry Hat, and he gave me all the fixings for CCC Martini’s!!!

Unknown to any of us that last year would be the last Christmas we would ever share in this wonderful tradition we created.

My Godfather passed away this summer after a difficult battle against Cancer.

I implore you to go out and buy a box of CCC this holiday season, raise your hand with one and salute someone you have lost, and cherish the memories that you two made together that will last an eternity.

Godfather, I miss you, I will always miss “our special thing with the CCC’s”

Gone, but never forgotten.