Magic Mirror My Ass!!!!

As if my body has not been through enough, like with the third nipple, the extra nut, etc…

It all started on a recent clear and humid night.

I had been running at work all day and evening, the sweat was trailing down my brow, my neck was moist as the perspiration dribbled down my back to that special little dark place, known as my perfectly perky booty!  I left work thinking… “gosh my ass is sore, the sweat must have really ran and oh my god, now I am chaffing!”  WTF!

So I go home and undress, step into the shower, and lather up and down, making sure I get every drop of perspiration from all those dark places!

I dry off, and decide to go lay on the bed and relax as the ceiling fan blows me dry, that has blades shaped like… banana’s….yeah that’s right bananas!  Anywho I am laying there and the soreness from the chaffing is still evident.  So I decide to powder my perky booty, thinking that might just do the trick.

I take a shot of peach flavored vodka and slam down 2 baby aspirin and hit the sheets.

The next morning I awaken to this severe pain in my ass!  I look over to make sure there is no one in bed with me, which might explain the pain in my ass, but alas to no avail there is no one.  I crawl to the changing room where I have my wigs, costumes, and my magic mirror.  I eventually get myself standing erect, and take the magic mirror off the wall.  I hobble to the bed(as if I had just rode a horse, or something really BIG) with the mirror in tow, and I lay it down on the bench at the foot end of the bed.  I then dis-robe and stand over the mirror and chant the curious incantation:  Magic Mirror On The Bench, tell me what is the source of this pain in my ass!

And the mirror replies:  thou art the fairest in all of Paradise, however your booty is …. Shall I say lumpy?

Lumpy, Lumpy I say!  How can this be?  As I spread my cheeks apart and open wide, I notice a lump, a deep reddish purple colored lump.  So I poke it, and surprisingly  aside from the pain it feels kinky.

I call Brady and tell him, he says:  You need to go in to a clinic, and not sit on this!  HAAAAAA!

I go to Urgent Care, the doctor tells me to lower my shorts, and so I do, he puts on his latex gloves and as he reaches for my perky cheeks he says:  open wide!

Needless to say he tells me that I have an External Hemorrhoid and that it will require HIM to massage a prescription cream onto it 3 times a day.

Thank heavens he is dreamy!

Never go against Doctor’s orders!

Show 'em what you got!!!

Dear Divine Man,

Here is my situation:  Recently I was selected to be apart of a phone interview(screening out prospects) for a full time position.  

With in a week after, I was contacted my the same person and was asked to come in for a face to face interview.  I went and was interviewed by the CEO, and 2 other employees.  
It went great, and as a “thank you” I brought them a creative parting.  Which must have impressed them, because I was asked back in for a second.  

The night before the second interview I received an email telling me to them.  So I did.  

I was told on the phone that they were moving in a different direction with the position and were offering to another person, however they were interested in me for another position.  They asked me to still come in as planned.  I went.

I was told how impressive and talented I am, and how they did not want me to “slip through their fingers” and that the CEO wants me to head up a new department.  I am flattered.  However it won’t start for about 2-3 months and in the meanwhile they want me to come in on a freelance basis.  

2 days later I am asked to provide more examples of my experience.  I have already shown them a number of samples, portfolio, etc.  What more am I to do?  

Please share your Divine wisdom!

Christopher




Dear Christopher,


You could contact this company and offer to come in and demonstrate your work ethic, giving them your time and showcasing your talents is more then enough.  Time is the investment.  It also shows you are dedicated and serious.

But, don’t give them to much, nor any opportunity for them to steal your work.

If are hand you any issues after you offering this to them, I would move on.  But it’s just my opinion.  I am not a fan of prospective employers that change course half way through, drag it out, or lie.

All the best!

Divine Man

The Dwarf, the Fat Man, and The Garden Of Eden...

We park the white limo, grab our bags, water and camera.  We look out at the vast gravel trail ahead of us.  It looks as if it will never end.

Just as we are about to start our trek, a Dwarf happens upon us.  You must be wondering how Moi knows he is a Dwarf and not just a short person?  He has a beard, a pick axe, glasses and he introduced himself as “Doc.”

As it turns out, Doc is our guide, he warns us of creatures, large insects, huge mosquitoes with fangs, and poisoned apples.

The three of us begin the journey.  The air is hot and heavy with humidity, the hair under my arms is curling and dripping with sweat.  My back is wet as it drips down to my perfectly shaped buttocks, and moistens my inner thighs.  There are bugs, and flying insects everywhere, and the trail seems to keep going and going.

I ask if we are almost there.  Doc, informs us that it is just around the bend.

As we turn the last bend, there it is, salvation at last. This must be where the Fountain Of Youth is!  Look at all the people, they are all happy, smiling, laughing, swimming, sunning themselves, drinking, eating, and wait…..  They are all nude!!!!  Nude?  Yes, nude!

What in the hell?  Doc… can you please tell us wtf is going on here?  Doc says: “we must have accidentally taken a wrong turn?”

Have you ever walked into a crowded room and the noise level is loud, and just as you say something stupid or embarrassing the noise stops and everyone can hear you?  Well that is how we felt.  Everyone stopped their frolicking and just starred at us.  Apparently we was over dressed!

Talk about peer pressure.

  Doc was the first to undress, he said “when in the Garden Of Eden, one must do what all the other nude people do, let it all hang out.”

First I want to clear up any myths you might have about short men and the size of their manhood.  They might be short but they carry a BIG package!

Next Brady disrobes, and he and Doc decide to go find us a place to sit.  I suggest to them: someplace close to the water!

I begin to lower my shorts and then unbutton my silk shirt.  I do this with my back toward everyone  thinking that by seeing my lovely ass first would be easier for them and for Moi.  As I bend down to collect my clothes, I forget that everything is hanging out.  As I am bent over, I hear a loud deep voice yell to Moi:  picture perfect baby!  Please don’t get up on my account!  You in the right position!

I shot up like most of the other men there had as my eyes scan the scene!  I turned around and saw a rather large man, extremely hairy, sweaty, and standing there looking at me while licking his lips.  Moi just stood there… thinking OMG!  If this man walks any closer to me I will just, just... knee him in the balls.  That’s if I can find his balls.  The hair is so thick and his rather large gut is hanging to low, I am not even sure if he has anything?

The man starts to walk towards me.  As he does, I yell to him:  Talk about trying to find a needle in a haystack buddy!  Or wait, it’s more like, peak a boo I don’t see you!  The man stops.  I hold up my hand and says “this ride is closed!”

I turn and walk to find Brady and Doc.

I left that day thinking:  it really is not the size of a man himself, it is the size of his penis that can either make him short, tall, thin or thick.

Divine Holiday Stuffing

As a lot of you all know, Moi does not cook from a recipe about 99% of the time.  When I am in the kitchen I create unique, sinful and savory dishes that make your palette drip!!!  Leaving you wanting more!!!


Each year I explore with a new spice/seasoning.  I cook with it, bake, and.... ummmm a few other things too!!!!

This year's stuffing is a joyful merriment of warmth, international flavor, and the purest of all ingredients...  LOVE.



Divine Holiday Stuffing 2013:

The following breads, dried out to make bread crumbs.  A half loaf of each, depending on how much you are preparing for.

8 Grain Italian
Sourdough
French
Buttered Dinner Rolls

Homemade Broth(today I used chicken broth from monday's dinner) 32 oz.... I like mine moist!!!!
93% Ground Sirloin(browned in pan)
Homemade Beef Gravy
Chopped Vidalia Onion

Ground Peppercorn
A Sprinkle of Celery Salt
Basil
Curry
And This year's Spice:  Cinnamon

Mix all together.  Moi prefers to make it the day before and let it mingle together.

This makes enough to fill the ole' turkey, and a large bowl full as well.


Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!

Enjoy!!!!

When Life Crashes Before Our Eyes...

Do you ever wonder why something happens?  For example... a car crash?  is it really an accident or is it pre-planned?  some people call it destiny or fate.  Some even say our destiny is written for us long before our conception.  If that is the truth then Moi has something to really bitch about.

Now I realize it has been awhile since Moi has written.  Life has gotten a hold of me tightly by the throat.


The Summer of 2013 was full of ....well, life.

The end of May brought the sale of my paradise shack, Moi packed all of my worldly possessions, Diva Girl, and my Dollar Store wine glasses.  We ended up house sitting for our butch gal pal Dion as she and her butch gal pal- Lillian hit the open road on a tuna expedition for a few months!  One evening in mid June Diva Girl and Moi were sitting outside sweating our asses off, while trying to cool off with chilled bottle of Chardonnay, the ceiling fan, and chatting on the telly with Tulips.  She was on her own for a few days while Big Daddy was in Minnesota with his pals at a Antique Auto Show.  He attends each year, and looks forward to it greatly!

While we were chatting Tulips said she had another call to take.  So we hung up.  Within 10 minutes she called me back.  Her voice was filled with fear, panic, and sadness.  As she told me the following words, my heart was wrecked with fear... "Big Daddy has been in a car crash, he might have a broken neck, and is being taken to the trauma unit via ambulance."  All I could do was cry.  How could this have happened?  Why did this happen?  Then the mighty warrior inside of Moi jumped into action.  I regained my composure and took control of the situation so I could get us answers.  Tulips called my bro and his family while I called the trauma unit that Big Daddy was taken to.

I called the switch board/receptionist at the hospital, told her who I was and why I was calling.  She then transferred my to the trauma unit.  I was cut off!  So I called back again.  Guess what... I was cut off again.  That's when I decided to channel my inner "Cruella Deville" and called again.  This time I asked to speak with someone that was competent enough to transfer me to the trauma unit with out being cut off, and that if it happened again I would be on the next plane, and when I got there I... well let's just say I made my point!

Finally, Moi was talking with the Head Nurse about Big Daddy.  After 4 days in the trauma unit he was back home.  Big Daddy had suffered a concussion, a broken neck, and brain trauma.

He has been on a very long, painful road to recovery with no end in sight.  He has other injuries/side effects from the crash as well that we are praying will heal properly.  His vision was blurred, his short term memory has been damaged and he has experienced intense head pains.

Most recently we have learned that his neck has healed, however there are other extremely severe complications and he will need surgery on his neck.

It is so very difficult being so far from them.  I was able to sneak home for a short time to see my Parents(whom I miss dearly) and help them.

My mother Tulips, has been a rock through all of this, ever so strong, loving, putting others first as she always does.  She is a Saint!  Hail to Saint Tulips!  Long live Saint Tulips!!!!!  

Join Moi and his family in sending out positive energy and healing thoughts and words that Big Daddy survives this next big hurdle.

This picture was taken by Moi in April when they came to Paradise to visit us!!!!!

The Hunka Burning Love and the Ole' Banana Trick, Part II

After spending the afternoon on the beach, laughing, talking about all kinds of things in life.  He is well educated and experienced culturally.  Very talented with his hands, that is musically(you perverts) and he seems to be enchanted with Moi’s baby blues…. As if that is even a question!  Moi’s baby blues have been known to put men in trances, and even charm a snake!

The day begins to come to a close, and he asks me out to dinner.

Dinner turns into a lovely evening of conversation, which leads to another date, and another, and another.  So far all systems are a go, and then he invites me to come to his home for dinner.  Moi happily agrees and asks if I can bring anything?  He simply states:  just your Divine self!  Well that is just to easy to do!

Anywho….  I arrive at his Condo and am greeted with a smile and a glass of my favorite wine.  He ushers me into his abode.  As I look around and take in the scene, I notice a porcelain banana on the entry way table.  Just laying there all by itself.  I think “that’s a bit unusual, but I guess it can be classy.”  He walks me into the living room/dining room/kitchen area.  My eyes look to the left and spot second banana, and then to the right and again I see another banana.  He walks me into the guest room where I find myself trying not to laugh at the display in front of my eyes.  On the bed there is about 2 dozen stuffed monkeys all sitting perfectly placed with… guess what… little bananas tied around their necks.  Obviously this guy has an obsession with the banana.  Which has me curious and nervous as to why?  I guess there could be worse obsessions to have!  As we make our way through the condo, we come upon the master bedroom.  My eyes are now beginning to dart quickly back and forth, side to side and my head is spinning as I am becoming consumed with f#@*ing bananas!

It’s like a scene in a movie, and I find yet more bananas.

We sit down to eat, the meal is delish, and he offers Moi dessert.  Banana’s Foster no less! HAAAAAAAAAA!  

I am trying to work up my nerve to ask about his obsession with the banana.  Instead I excuse myself to go powder my perfect little nose.  Just as I enter the bathroom and close the door behind me, I stop dead in my tracks.  I just stand there and look at the marble banana that is laying on the ledge that wraps around the Jacuzzi tub.  Next to the banana is a little gem encrusted bottle.  It has something in it.  My heart is pounding in my chest like wild fire spreading, my hands are shaking, and beads of perspiration are gathering at my brow.  I open the bottle and pour some of the liquid onto my hands.  It is oil, with an aroma that I know… it is banana scented with a hint of  cinnamon.

It then hit’s me like a brick wall smack in the face!

OMG!  OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk about giving new meaning to the words “ banana split.”

I am rather mortified, astonished and a bit turned on as I stand there realizing what he does with all these bananas.  Unbeknownst to Moi, my hands have been rubbing together with the scented oil and I rush to the sink.

He calls for me and asks if I am ok?  I reply with….  Yes I am just going Bananas in here looking for a hand towel!!!!!!

Needless to say, I leave that night with a few lessons learned yet again.

I always say:  When life hands you lemons, make lemon drop martini’s, and then there are a rare few, or in this case I suspect only one person….

When life hands you a banana, make a dildo out of it!

People always amaze Moi, surprise, shock and enlighten.

The Hunka Burning Love and the Ole' Banana Trick! Part I

So there I lay in the sun, my perky perfectly shaped buns in the air, the sun beating down on my tanned skin, the beads of sweat are beginning to trickle down my sides, from under my arms and are now compiling on my 4 pack abs!  I decide to roll over and look out at the warm glistening waters of The Gulf Of Mexico.  My eyes are slowly adjusting to the bright sun, I gasp and grab my chest(which feels good) as my baby blues widen and I feel a rush of tingling excitement take over my body.

I just sit there and stare at the man emerging from the water, feeling as if this is all in slow motion.  The water is splashing all around this handsome creature, his smooth skin is dripping with sex appeal, his eyes are dark and intense, his hair is wet and dark and his blue swim suit is bulging in all the right places…

He slowly makes his way to the shoreline and steps onto the soft warm sand and stops and looks directly into my eyes.  It seems as if time has stopped, and all the people around us are no longer there.  It is just he and I.  We continue to look deeply and passionately into each others eyes.  He walks towards me and then right past me.  Moi is like…. WTF?

I turn to see where he is going and realize he is gathering his towels, beach bag, etc and is now heading back towards Moi!  HOLY SHIT, this is it!  The excitement in me is going to explode!
He is now standing next to me, the sun is almost blinding me as I start to look up at his physique.  All I can think is, HUNKA HUNKA BURNING LOVE!  His voice is exotic with a sexy accent.  I am guessing he is Latino or Hung…arian!  HAHA

He asks to join me and I welcome him to my sandy pad.  He lays down rather close to me and offers his hand to me.  Hola, what a lovely view you is, where have you been all my life?


To Be Continued…