Have you ever bought a cheaper item/ingredient only to save a few dollars?
Moi is standing in my gourmet kitchen with all my beautiful red appliances, glistening marble countertops, old world distressed cabinets, while I look through my “recipe chest” for the perfect Irish dish to make on St. Patty’s Day 2011. Moi is wearing my ivory Capri’s, bright red flip flops, a see-thru black tank top exposing my delightful tan and my perky tata’s! Oh and must not forget, my red apron with red feathers outlining it.
As I stand there in my kitchen looking through the recipe chest, I come across this wonderful old world recipe called: A Big Hairy Reuben Between A Pair of Rachels!
So I have Brady gas up the red limo, and whisk Moi away to the local gourmet deli so I can get my ingredients.
Of course while in the deli looking for all my items, a bag person(a bagger) (not a beggar) approaches me and asks kindly “Oh Divine One, will you please autograph my old bag?” HA! I am thinking as I try and not to giggle, and reply with “why yes kind sir, Moi would be happy to place my John Hancock on your bags, I mean on your old bags, wait…I mean your old bag! And with that he escorted me into the back room where he proceeded to lift up his shirt and expose his wrinkled “old bag” of a belly. I wrote the following words which encircled his rather large belly button: All My Love, Moi…the Divine Wonder! As the bagger man escorts Moi back out the deli, I spot the last of my ingredients and make my way to the cashier where Moi is checked out. No really there was 3 sexy woman, 2 studs and she male who were checking Moi out!
Once I am back in my fabulous paradise villa, I immediately immerse myself in preparing my “Big Hairy Reuben Between A Pair of Rachels sandwiches. Moi loves to cook, and make peoples’ mouths water before and after each bite of my divine cuisine.
So when all is ready to devour I rings my dinner bell, and Brady comes a skipping in to wash his hands, his face, feet, ass, and his…well you can imagine! Anywho, I set the table, two 34 oz mugs of green beer, two plates(green crystal) each with a Big Hairy, a pickle, homemade chippers and a linen napkin. As we sit there and ever so much enjoy these mouth watering skyscraper sandwiches, green beer and we talked about how moist the Big Hairy is, how wet Reuben is this year, and how sweet the Rachels are and laugh about being in paradise on St. Patty’s Day 2011 instead of being in Small Town America, The Midwest where everyone is freezing their shamrocks off!
After about an hour or so, Moi begins to feel those old familiar sturnins’ and urges like I did on that “Explosive Date.” Moi decides to slip quietly into the powder room and sit upon my throne in case anything decides to “erupt.”
It was a false alarm.
So I make my way outside to the lanai and relax a bit in the sun. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is waking up to the pains and movements coming from my booty and stomach. It was again as if there were a life inside of me kicking and thrusting to escape. As Moi stood up from the chaise lounge, that is when it happened or shall I say “the bitch blew like a volcano!” I had it trickling down my legs, blasting through my Capri’s and hitting Brady in the face as I ran up the patio stairs. As I took each next step, more flew out! By the time Moi got inside it was over, and I was no longer wearing ivory Capri’s, for now they were multiples shades of brown and green!
The next time you buy the ingredients for a sandwich or meal, get the good stuff, not the cheap shit!
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