Him or Them, A Guy In Love with Him...

Dear Divine Man,


I am a 25 year old male, a professional(teacher) and jewish.  My family is small, Father, Mother and a older sister who is married.  I have always been a religious person.  My faith has always been steadfast, and family is vital to my existence.  


However I have been living a lie for many years, and I feel compelled to free my life of such a lie and be free, to be who… what I am.  


I am gay, and I recently met this beautiful man whom has awaken me as if for the first time.  He has made me come alive and allows me to feel the freedom I so desperately desire.  On our first date I showed him the college I attended and played him a song on the piano in the music room.  After a few dates, I gathered the courage and kissed him.  It was pure magic!  Each kiss has only gotten more intense with each passing day, night, and date.  


Recently I took him to dinner to meet my very best friends.  It was a great evening.  There is something magical about him, he is so magnetic, so full of warmth and charisma.  He is what I call a “unique gem” in this life.  


Sadly, I am torn by my true love for him and by my love for my parents.  They expect me to be “their straight jewish boy.”  Whereas he loves me for me, for who… what I am. I am a gay male who is in love with a very special guy.  My parents are pressuring me, I am no longer welcomed at temple, and feel as if I am being crucified for being happy and in love.  What do I do?


I feel as if I have to choose them or him.


Help me.


So “Gay Teacher in Need of Help”…………

As for Moi who knows all about love, life and well did I say love?  Moi knows you love him in your mind, maybe in your heart.  But, if you truly love him then be with him.  Don’t think you are going to spare him a lifetime of this pain.  Guess what, if he loves you like you love him, the pain of not being together will be far more damaging.  Give him some credit.  Is he religious?

Have your parents met him and have you given them time to understand your love for him?  To get to know the real you and him?  This is no longer about you and your folks, this is now about another person…him.  He is innocent in this, he loves you for you.

Do you really love him, or do you just love the idea of him and that he is letting you be you?  If you love him, be honest to him, to you, and then your parents.

You need to truly love yourself for who…what you are(as you put it) before you can love another.  Take time to learn about you, him, your feelings, beliefs, what is important in the big picture and what you are willing to sacrifice.  Which no one should ever have to sacrifice one love for another love.

It is called love after all.  Let it go around.

Fleas Of A Thousand Camels!

Have you ever known someone that always seems to really piss you off?  No matter what they do, say, wear, they just always seem to be able to piss you off?

Have you ever gone to work or school or wherever it is that you go or do and your day is going along swimmingly perfect when all of a sudden…that one person decides to piss you off?  and they do this without thinking.  Without thinking about how their lack of respect will effect you?

“Picture It” a lovely spring day, the birds are chirping, the sky is clear and blue with not a cloud in it.  The sun is shining, as the warm breeze lazily blows around your neck and under your arms allowing the moisture to dry some before entering what has always been your favorite store.  You walk in and are greeted by smiles, waves, cameras flashing and everyone is happy with excitement because Moi has arrived!

Anyways…I am walking along and my phone rings…Hello Brady, what’s up?  Got your thumb up your ass?  Heheeheee!!!  No, Divine Man I do not…Brady replies with.  So what can Moi do for you?  Did my absentee ballot come yet?  NO!   As the proud American that Moi is, I look forward to election day!  Whether it be local, state, or national.  A few weeks ago I requested for an absentee ballot to be sent to Moi as I was feeling like a recluse lately(bloating, water retention, etc) and did not want to be seen.  So I sent the proper forms to my city clerk(this was in march).  It is now May 5th and today is election day.  And guess what, do you think Moi ever got the dam ballot?  NO.

This morning I wrote a letter to the evil city clerk that she is:

I mailed you my application for the absentee ballot for today’s election in early spring.  I never received it.  


On April 27th I called you. You did not ask for my name, nothing.  You dismissed me.  You were very rude.  All I simply wanted was to know why I have never received my ballot.  


As an American I have the right and the privilege to vote.   


I hope this does not continue to happen.  Please be sure that my future absentee ballots are mailed to me.    
Have a lovely day! 

I ask myself…what would Sofia(Golden Girls) do?  She would hex a Sicilian curse on her!   So this is what I say:

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch!

He's Got His Thumb Up His Ass!

Do you ever wonder where the phrase “he’s got his thumb up his ass” came from? Or what it really means?

Well let Moi here tell you what it really means, in only the divine way that I possibly can!

“Picture It” Thursday afternoon at 3pm, the day has been busy, full of excitement, the sun is out, and I am walking out to the white limo. Moi is heading to a fan event! As I step into the limo and sit down I realize I forgot my white Jackie-o’s inside the house. So I open the door and stepped out not realizing my right thumb was dragging behind and decided it would rather be stuck in the door! It happened so fast, one minute my thumb is up my ass, the next minute it is in the door being smashed until the blood is oozing out from under the nail. The pain was not instant, it was more like a delayed reaction.

As I pull it out slowly I starting chanting and praying that the nail is still attached. As I stand there in a slow motion moment as the music from “The Six Million Dollar Man & The Bionic Woman echoed in my head” I stare at my thumb. The nail is still attached.

It is then I start screaming “Brady, where the hell are you?” Why are you not holding the door open for Moi? This would not of happened if I had kept my thumb up my ass! But noooo, I had to open my own dam door!

Can you believe it? Open my own dam door? HA! Well needless to say, this is and will be the only time Moi opens my own door! EVVVER!

Moi thinks that the phrase “he’s got his thumb up his ass” has strong meaning and should not be laughed at or ridiculed so easy. Infact had I left my thumb up my ass it would not have been smashed in the door and I would still be able to have it up my ass or be able to use it. Instead it is wrapped in a bandage slowly healing. The nail is now black and blue with a strange hue of red mixed in there.

So just remember, it is ok to have your thumb up your ass, at least there no harm can come to it!

　

　

Bologna, Egg on the face, and Moi's Fat A_ _!

You all must be thinking that Divine Man is dead! Or that I got stuck on my toilet, not the case…in fact Moi has been very, very, very busy!

It seems as if each winter my ass blows up like a balloon! And before I know it I am sitting taller!

I started drinking 3 quarts of water each day, sometimes 4! However, Moi must make sure that I am close to the powder room or there is warm water all over! In addition to that, Moi is simply eating beef bologna, light mayo and whole wheat bread. This is a sure fire way to drop those pesky winter pounds(speaking from past experience)!

Aside from my fat ass, I must say my skin has never looked better, tanner and more radiant then it does after slapping egg whites on it for an hour a day!

In between my egg treatments and bologna sandwiches Moi has been lending a hand to www.mytampadating.com

Life has been full of parties, events, holidays and lots of mirror time as of late! I mean…St. Patty’s Day! Moi cooked and prepared Corned Beef Brisket, an all green salad, sauerkraut, boiled cabbage, potato croquets, and green punch with a kick!

On Easter Moi decided to stay home and do the whole 9 yards! In the morning I stuffed a 8 pound chicken with homemade wild mushroom dressing, and covered the bird with my own special “rub” which is: Cinnamon, Curry, Thyme, Cracked Peppercorn, Garlic, Basil. Rub the bird top and bottom! Then into the oven it goes. Next Moi prepared a 7 pound Ham and soaked it in ginger ale and beer for 2 hours in the crock pot. I decided to add a salad to the list of sides. Moi made Apple Waldorf Salad for the first time! It was sinful! Then I made glazed carrots, and “my special sweat trailer park potato au gratin layered casserole!”

It was a lovely day! My 84 year old neighbor, Karl came, he is very perky! And my Lesbian neighbor, Dee Delicious came! With a bag of wine!

Moi has missed you, and is back in action!

　

　

An EBT Card, Fire Starters and 2 Teeth!

There I was, standing the checkout line at the grocery store when a man’s voice from behind started, as I turned around I realized he was talking to Moi… he asked if I could give him my $20.00 bill I held in my hands in exchange for the use of his shiny new EBT card. I looked at him for a second and replied with…no, as my nostrils began to take in the odor that seemed to permeate from his clothing. His clothes and breath reeked of cigarettes and booze. He began to tell me he had a sick girlfriend and baby. So I asked him “if your EBT card had money on it, then why would you need my cold hard cash?” He did not answer. Then began to get vulgar with me as if HIS issues were my fault. The cashier and bagger stood there, said and did nothing to help contain this situation.

I left the store minding my own business and went to the car. As I put the bags into the back seat and closed the door I then looked up and saw the vulgar man standing there. He again started yelling at Moi for not helping him. When he finally stopped his tantrum fit, I looked him in the eye and simply told him “perhaps you should look in the mirror at yourself for about 7 days straight, without smoking…because maybe then you will have the money you need for more important things like getting your girlfriend and baby the proper medical attention…if they even are really sick? Tell me, do I look like I was born yesterday? And with that I got in the car and left.

As I was driving along I notice a woman standing against a wall and in one hand she was holding up a sign that read “Please Help-Need Money, My house burned down!” and in the other hand she was holding onto a lit cigarette! Really, really? All I could think was “did the cigarette burn it down, she might want to stop that habit, or maybe not be smoking while trying to get free money for her burned down house” I had to giggle at the contradiction of the scene before me.

Soon after that I went into a bagel shop for some fresh lox and bagels. I approached the counter and saw a skinny attractive looking(until she opened her mouth) female clerk. She began to smile and ask if I needed anything. I noticed she only had 2 teeth, and then she wiped her nose with her bare hands. I decided it might be safer if I just left. I guess I now know why she was so thin…because she could not eat the bagels with only 2 teeth.

I can see it now…tomorrow’s bagel of the day…Boogie filled Bagels!

Gray Hairs BE GONE!

Moi has noticed a few gray hairs on various parts of my perfect body!  Can you imagine the horror, the disgust and shame I am experiencing?

Moi has seen some gray hairs, but never on my head or my body!  At this very moment I am drinking right from the box of wine.  I think I will install a shelf on the wall next to my desk that is higher so that I can attach a tube to the end of the nozzle and stick in my mouth.  That way my hands are free to type!  

Anywho...a few days ago I was giving myself a "trim" and that is when the horror began!  So I thought if I remove all the hair, then I will not have to deal with this embarrassing situation.  But then I thought...when it grows back I will either have to shave it all off again or it will grow in with more gray.  So I decided I would color it and that way it would look natural, without the gray.  So I got out my bag of tricks, colored my hair on my head(the one on my shoulders) and then the rest of it as well all the way down to my toes!

After the 45 minute processing time, I stepped into the shower and washed it out.  As I washed I realized that the color had now stained my skin.  The entire front of my body was now mocha brown!  I know I wanted a deep tan, but this was pure awful looking.  What am I to do now?  I will have to cancel my Playgirl photo session for sure! 

I scrubbed and scrubbed my body til it was raw!  I even used bleach, Lava soap, Spic and Span and Mineral Spirits!   Nothing was removing the stain from my once flawless skin.

Needless to say, I will not be out walking around in the buff anytime soon.  Perhaps I could turn this into a new trend? 

Greetings and Gossip from Paradise!

Over the past few weeks Moi has been dealing with a lot of shit! No really, I have had a bad case of diarrhea…and as you already know from “The Explosive Date” when it blows, it blows!

Anywho, recently I got a letter from a neighbor that is in Paradise, and she was filling me in on all the gossip! Apparently there is a woman that has taken up residence on 69^th St. She had lived there years ago with her frail mother. While she was there, she operated a revolving door business out of their home. Now she is back and God only knows what she plans to do this time? Oh, and then there is Jose’ who lives up the street about 2 doors, he is raising chickens in his domain…he is hoping to get the golden egg! He says he likes raising hens, but loves cocks!

Then there is Judith, who has started taking up walking her dog late at night, wearing pj’s, and a miners light strapped around her dam head…people have been complaining that she is using her “flood light” to shine for naked men or women in the trees?

OMG! I almost forgot, the “Paradise Community Managers” were terminated for embezzling, the wife was having sex with a resident and waived his monthly fees, the husband was engaging in sexual relations with minors(let me cut his balls off) and they had 5 other homes in the area that were pot farms.

One never knows who or what is living next to you.

Don’t let the white picket fence fool you, is it always the unexpected ones!