A Charming Spirit...

Have you ever felt passion and a sense of freedom in a talent that you possess? Well I have, but of course! So after leaving the BIG city for small charming town life I find myself once again doing something I enjoy, in fact I actually love it. Brace yourself this could be shocking…I really do get all passionate about renovation of historic properties. So after taking a three year hiatus from the renovations I am, along with my best friend embark on our biggest project, a 3,000+ sq.ft. 1900 Queen Anne.


So after a year and 3 months the project is completed! But during that year the events that led up to the moment of completion will have had a profound affect on myself. I know you are eager to find out what…

“Picture It” Spring 2009 Small Charming Town somewhere in the Midwest!

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was online searching out real estate. My idea was to look at historic commercial buildings in hopes of creating a base of operation for a small business. I have always enjoyed being self employed and wanted to open a floral artistry studio. Complete with event planning services, location set-up, and all the trimmings. After looking at a few buildings it was suggested to me by my friend Roger, that I look at houses and work from home. Fabulous Idea! So I go back to the drawing board and now I focus on historic houses. The first one I come across is a white Queen Anne that looks in need of TLC. And something is beckoning me to come to it, a force of another kind if you will. The thing about moi is I have a sensitive to the spirits that are earthbound. Always have been. So I setup a tour of the property, I am there dressed to the hilt(big white sun glasses, camera in tow, and wearing black) As I walk up the driveway I immediately feel a darkness over the driveway and walkway to the side porch. It is intense, darkness, a stillness almost of death. Once inside all feelings are wiped away.

It is now the first week I am living in my Queen Anne and my Pooch and I decide to watch the movie “An American Haunting.” Like what the hell is wrong with me? Anyways, 2 of my best gal pals stop over earlier that day with house-warming gifts. My 2 gal pals and I make the 3 Stooges meets the Desperate Housewives…funny thing only 1 of us is a housewife, but all are desperate and nuts none the less. Dawneen presents to me a lovely plaque with a “God Bless This Home” saying on it. And Wanda gives me a tea candle hurricane glass thingy.

So the pooch and I get ready for our “spooky flick” and I lite the tea candle hurricane thingy behind moi and turns the lights down. The movie starts and I am thinking “what the hell am I watching? I am sitting here in the dark in a house that might be haunted with my pooch and a stiff one” (a stiff drink that is perverts) but we continue the flick…

No Dog Here!

Why do people think that when they see you, they get this urge, this idea that they should pat you on the head, as if I….Divine Man is a dog, a mutt just waiting for someone to fondle my head…not going there!


Anyways, the last time I went to the beauty parlor…OMG did I just use that term? I did, sounds kinda high end ehh? So I went to get my hair did and my hair mistress gave me a new design upon my lovely gorgeous head. She styled it, and sent me on my way looking …well….Divine!

So as I am waiting out by the curb for my “date” to come and gather me up and whisk me away for an evening of total and complete romance(truth be told it was a Brat BBQ-a BIG one!) my “date” arrives and immediately has to pat me on the frickin’ head! In this moment I am thinking “I have been a good boy, do I get my bone?” I gave the look of daggers and death! “oh no you did not just do that” Divine Man spent money on this new do!

Just today I walked my divine self into the …..yes that is right! The beauty parlor for a sprucing up! My hair mistress “Minnie” is overjoyed to see me but of course! I say “ Minnie give me something sexy and shorter, and wax my caterpillars for me dear!”

So Minnie does her thing and in 30 minutes later I am even more divine then when I walked in, if that’s even possible? So I decided to cancel the next 5 dates in fear of being patted like a dog on the head! I mean come on, if am not going to get a bone, jewelry, or a blank check don’t “pat” my luscious brown locks!

As I sit here wearing my white Jackie o’s, red boa, and my cut off blue paint splattered joggers and my lovely red wife beater t-top I ponder many thoughts…

Oh, which I will share with you in next episode of “The Misadventures of a Divine Man”


And remember…”Go Out And Find Your Own Divine Self”

All Good Things Come in 3's

As if the third nut over the rainbow debacle is not enough…after a weekend of explicit love and passion I wake up one Monday morning and I have this unending intense pain! So imagine if you would…I undress, pants, socks, shirt and stand before this freshly cleansed mirror and look at my perfect body…what’s this I see? A house with a picket fence…a barn with a weather vane…and a man hung like a &*%$#……..wait where was I? oh yes, I am standing before my mirror amongst the pain and shock.   I notice not only did I have a third nut, but now I have a third nipple starting to grow! Only me, the Divine Man! I mean how many of you can tell me you have grown a third nipple?




So I think to myself “Divine Man, what have you learned from all those self examination booklets you got from the clinic where Doctor Feel Good works?” I lay down on the floor in my spare bedroom(which is actually my naked weigh in room) on a plush white area rug. Now you might be asking why white, are you not afraid of staining it? Well actually I was not worried of that. After all I am naked and unless I have the Hershey Squirts…well then I have something to worry about!



Anyways I am laying down on the plush white rug and stretch up my left arm over my head and start to feel myself …my left breast with my right hand that is. Perverts! And I discover this warm red lump! So I call me good friend Roger and ask him to come over and feel my breast. So of course he jumps at the chance! What a friend?



He arrives and I am standing there in all my loveliness( I had a towel on around my waist…ok it was a hand towel) and Roger walks in and stops with his mouth open! If he had dentures they would have fallen to the floor. He looks and says…you dem dhere got yeerself a third whoha! Thanks Roger!



So I go to DFG and his evil boob examiner is looking like she just won the lottery. I ask her “ what the hell are you grinning about?” she answers with…”Why Divine Man, I have always dreamed about having my machine squeeze your whohas!” Oh Joy for me!

Gotta Spare?

“Picture It, Sicily 1914” I love that line from the Golden Girls!


It is a nice crisp cold nut chilling winters morning and I take my Divine Self into the bathroom and de-robe and that’s when it happens! The moment of horror, erotic excitement and pain…oh the freakin pain coming from a very familiar place. My groin! Ha! Well you can imagine what was going through my mind? I have a third nut! Now I am thinking a third nut…what a hit this will be? Just think of all the fun things I can do with a spare! Like maybe I can donate it to some poor ole guy that has over used his nuts and needs a transplant… maybe this will get me on Oprah? And then the pain started again. At first I thought it must be from the “furniture moving” I had done recently? And then I started a self examination which aside from the pain surprisingly felt rather nice. Anyways, I thought a third nut a third nut, what the hell am I going to do with a third nut? Hell, I don’t even use the 2 I have…much. It’s not like I have sex often.



So I hobble on over to my Doctors’ office…Doctor Feel Good is his name. He asks me to drop my underclothes. I say…I am not wearing no underwear. So I drop my shorts and he asks me to cough. So I cough! And I am sure you can figure out the rest. He tells me my third nut is a hernia.



Two days later I find myself arriving at the hospital awaiting to be sliced and diced, under the knife, razors edge-you get the point. So Doctor Feel Good comes in and whisks me away to that sterile room with the smell of death and the cold stainless steel equipment and very narrow table(Thank You Lord my ass is not huge or I would need 2 tables) like anyone can really get their big ass on those and not hang over the edges? So, I tell DFG that in July I will be posing nude in BIG TOOLS and I need him to ensure a clean cut, I mean there is only so much that Photoshop can do!



Post surgery I decided to stay the first few days of recovery at the family estate out in the lovely countryside(horseshit and all)and watch as my groin continues to turn a lovely palette of colors. Reds, Yellows, Blues, Purples and Pinks. At this point I think “Toto…we must be over the rainbow.” And if that’s not enough along with the pain my groin is now the size of grapefruits….so now I guess you can say I have a cumquat! Hahaha!

Susan Boyle: I Dreamed A Dream - Britain's Got Talent 2009 - The Final

We Have Dreamed A Dream.  Last week I purchased the Susan Boyle Album: I Dreamed A Dream.  Susan's voice is something out of the heavens, a surprise, an enduring gift of total and complete abandon of fear and saying:  "I can do this, I can make my dream become a reality."   Like her, I have had my struggles(I know you are asking...Divine Man has struggles?  hell yes)  and I have had my hopes and most private dreams shattered.  Each and every song on her album are words I have lived, felt and have experienced. 

I ask you:  Have you ever dreamed a dream?  please share your stories with me. 

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I prayed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hopes apart
And they turn your dream to shame

Still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm Living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed


I have listened to and re-read these words many, many times as of late.  Divine Man knows what joy, pain and sorrow is.  I am a survivor.   When I was a young divine thing, I survived many a thing:  child sexual assault, memory loss, a damaging fire, paralysis, and as I got older my heart was sheltered by a wall(it remains enclosed within a wall until such a day when I am rescued) and I have experienced joy, great joy...but it is only for a moment at a time.  I think I have eternity, since I am living in my never ending 20's! 

If you have a dream...go after it, fight for it, give it all you have and never ever settle.  Or live with regret.
Your choice. 

This is Divine Man signing off and remember "Find Your Own Divine Self"

I Had This Dream

So I had this dream, a burning ember in my minds’ eye, in my heart, my soul. I am and always will be creative, artistic, a man with zest, flair and a driving force to be reckoned with(a guy once told me this) and a man with burning passions right in the heart of it all…my groin…not! You are such perverts! Ha Ha! My passion comes from my old soul.




So this dream I had, was to create my own business. Not just any business. Heavens NO! See, I have worked in the corporate world, played the game that is good for shit. Worked for franchises, and small businesses. I decided after working for the last small biz owner and yet again being lied to, screwed(not in a happy way) and treated like I was nothing. Have you ever worked for someone that treated you like you were just part of the wallpaper especially when a client/customer would come in to pick up their order and they would oooohhh and aaaahhhh at “his” work while you stand there and think “I did it” and realizing your designs and work would never get the recognition they deserved. So that is when I thought it is dam time I do it my way, on my terms. Well needless to say due to the wonderful economy we are living in, my dream would never become reality. You know how some people are just lucky in life, and how some meet that one person that is willing to give then a chance to make magic? Well I am not one of those people I guess. Because I am still looking for that one person, that one employer or company that is eager to snatch me up in all my glory.



While I worked to make my dream a reality I worked a part time job that started out promising but soon became just another joke. I ask you, have you ever walked into a room and the minute you enter everyone stops talking and laughing? Well I have a number of times. I mean I always wanted to have a great butt, I just never thought I would be the butt of all jokes, cruelness and ridicule. You know how when life gives you lemons you are suppose to make lemonade? Well life has thrown crap my way…a lot and now I am looking at it differently. I got thinking recently about all I have experienced, felt, lost, and endured. And I have come to realize when life throws you crap…make fertilizer!

In The Beginning...

Some people live a quiet existence, a few live a life of sadness, then there are those that live with exuberance and high drama. And every now and then you come across a person with the makings of a ***** rating full of suspense from the moment this person enters the world with blood and a cord(tell me what the hell is this umbilical cord all about?) screaming and maybe pissing and as they grow and age their life is filled with joy, pain, laughter, tears, gossip, ridicule, suffering, shorts stints of happiness, smiles, beauty inside and out, a big ass, small ass, man boobs and oh so much more.




In all the twists and turns of life one can only ask themselves “ why me, why am I here on this Earth? Why am I always walking through that hot place with all the flames and the scorched feet and the place where the undead roam…”Yes folks...you are right.. I mean Hell!” Well its not as bad as all that, I know I took a tour through it and while I was there, they loved me so much I have an open ticket to jump on the “The Hot As Hell Express” whenever I feel the need to visit. Can you say the same? I am sure a few of you can.



So you might be wondering who is this person? Who is this person? Is it a he or she and what gives them something to write about? Well I thought the exact thing. And you know when living through the situations, pain, laughter, tears and the shit I have…you learn a few things and you want to share your story. So let me begin. Brace yourself! Here it comes, I see it now coming around the naked Statue of David…you know the one with the big…feet!



And so begins… “The Misadventures of a Divine Man”