Gotta Spare?

“Picture It, Sicily 1914” I love that line from the Golden Girls!


It is a nice crisp cold nut chilling winters morning and I take my Divine Self into the bathroom and de-robe and that’s when it happens! The moment of horror, erotic excitement and pain…oh the freakin pain coming from a very familiar place. My groin! Ha! Well you can imagine what was going through my mind? I have a third nut! Now I am thinking a third nut…what a hit this will be? Just think of all the fun things I can do with a spare! Like maybe I can donate it to some poor ole guy that has over used his nuts and needs a transplant… maybe this will get me on Oprah? And then the pain started again. At first I thought it must be from the “furniture moving” I had done recently? And then I started a self examination which aside from the pain surprisingly felt rather nice. Anyways, I thought a third nut a third nut, what the hell am I going to do with a third nut? Hell, I don’t even use the 2 I have…much. It’s not like I have sex often.



So I hobble on over to my Doctors’ office…Doctor Feel Good is his name. He asks me to drop my underclothes. I say…I am not wearing no underwear. So I drop my shorts and he asks me to cough. So I cough! And I am sure you can figure out the rest. He tells me my third nut is a hernia.



Two days later I find myself arriving at the hospital awaiting to be sliced and diced, under the knife, razors edge-you get the point. So Doctor Feel Good comes in and whisks me away to that sterile room with the smell of death and the cold stainless steel equipment and very narrow table(Thank You Lord my ass is not huge or I would need 2 tables) like anyone can really get their big ass on those and not hang over the edges? So, I tell DFG that in July I will be posing nude in BIG TOOLS and I need him to ensure a clean cut, I mean there is only so much that Photoshop can do!



Post surgery I decided to stay the first few days of recovery at the family estate out in the lovely countryside(horseshit and all)and watch as my groin continues to turn a lovely palette of colors. Reds, Yellows, Blues, Purples and Pinks. At this point I think “Toto…we must be over the rainbow.” And if that’s not enough along with the pain my groin is now the size of grapefruits….so now I guess you can say I have a cumquat! Hahaha!