The sun is shining, the sand is white, the sky is cloudless blue, and Moi has never looked more divine then when laying on the beach making my already tanned skin darker. This really is paradise. Clearwater Beach, Florida and it is 85 degrees, a slight breeze, beautiful people walking along the gulf waters, Brady is soaking up the rays while Moi is glistening with beads of perspiration and olive oil.
Moi is starting to think that the F.O.Y. is not really a liquid after all, but maybe it is a place where the weather, the people and ones emotional well being is in perfect harmony. Where one can call the environment they are in a: Utopia. After being in Florida for a week taking in the sun, breathing in the salty air, signing autographs, posing for pictures, and discovering a new reason every single day for living.
While on the beach Moi apparently captured the attention of a tourist, because everywhere Moi was or went all week there he was. He was a man of the ripened age of 57, he proudly carried his beer keg that protruded out a bit(he looked pregnant like) had short dark hair, his skin was the most stunning tan Moi could only dream of achieving and he wore blue flip flops with and red, white and blue Speedo which Moi could only see sneaking out from under his keg(belly). I truly am the lucky one. I always seem to attract only the best and most desired.
So what really is the recipe for attracting someone? When you figure it out…please let Moi know!
So paradise is real, it is wherever you might be with the sun shining. Such as: in a basement with the bright sun shining in the windows, or on a picnic on a sunny afternoon with your favorite person and a lovely spread, or going to Rocky Rococo’s with your most honored friend and Mother like Tulips and Moi every December late at night. See, so paradise is really wherever you make it.
Moi has come along way in life, and has met a lot of different people. All of which have touched my heart, my life and my soul.
Paradise is all around us, you just have to recognize it!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
On The Road To Paradise: Not A Cold Surface In Sight!
As the red limo of perfection continues onward toward paradise in a mad mission to get to the F.O.Y. and drink a gallon of that youthful spring water that will forever keep Moi perfect and youthful! Moi is looking out at the BIG city of Atlanta and enjoying my Cracker Barrel to go when Moi’s cell rings.
I feel the need to back the bus up(so to speak) prior to heading out on the road to the location of the F.O.Y.
I had an appointment with Doctor Feel Good for some discomfort I was experiencing. After arriving at the clinic Moi waits about 15 minutes then the cranky Nurse comes to collect my luscious booty…
After the usual workup I proceed to the blood bank and let them suck the blood from Moi’s left arm. I tell the intern who has never ever taken blood before(OMG! Of all the people in the world I would end up with…a freaking intern) and there is nothing more exciting then seeing your very existence in a test tube. The intern proceeds to tell Moi that the results will be done in a day or 4. I am thinking “Moi has to wait 4 days, 4 whole days?”
So the next few days are filled thankfully with other exciting things like receiving that cryptic message and being locked in that Tennessee bathroom with Bubba, Billy and Benny! Moi and Brady are coasting along the Georgia highways and my cell rings. I answer the phone and say “Hello Howie’s House Of Pleasure-How may I service you? JK! I just simply say…Hellloooo?
Hi, this is Doctor Feel Good! Oh, so nice of you to call Moi finally after what seems like weeks…can you imagine how nervous I have been? How many martini’s I have had, not to mention the happy pills I have ate for breakfast. Can you even begin to comprehend what I am going through? Huh? Can you? Well I will tell you. Do you know what it is like riding in a limo across half the country and have the diarrhea? Always having to pull over, sometimes even being locked in a bathroom with mountain men, and no toilet paper?
Doctor Feel Good expresses an apology and finally begins to tell Moi what I have been just waiting to hear(just barely hanging on, JK) and that’s when DFG delivers the news, it is the moment of truth…Divine Man, you have 22 Hemorrhoids! Can you believe this shit? No pun intended Divine Man.
Moi just sits there(thinking about my poor perfect booty) and says aloud “as if having 3 nuts and a 3rd tata were not enough, now I have 22 Hemorrhoids. Is that even possible?” DFG tells Moi that for the next 3 months I will have to sleep on my flat stomach so that there is no added pressure, and Moi has to stay away from cold surfaces and sudden movements. Guess there won’t be any sex anytime soon! Just thinking about that gorgeous flesh walking around in Paradise and Moi can’t have it!
Paradise here I come!
I guess all good things and bad come is 3’s…but 22? Enjoy your weekend my peoples! And remember, stay away from cold surfaces! I am sure cold surfaces don't even exist in Paradise!
I feel the need to back the bus up(so to speak) prior to heading out on the road to the location of the F.O.Y.
I had an appointment with Doctor Feel Good for some discomfort I was experiencing. After arriving at the clinic Moi waits about 15 minutes then the cranky Nurse comes to collect my luscious booty…
After the usual workup I proceed to the blood bank and let them suck the blood from Moi’s left arm. I tell the intern who has never ever taken blood before(OMG! Of all the people in the world I would end up with…a freaking intern) and there is nothing more exciting then seeing your very existence in a test tube. The intern proceeds to tell Moi that the results will be done in a day or 4. I am thinking “Moi has to wait 4 days, 4 whole days?”
So the next few days are filled thankfully with other exciting things like receiving that cryptic message and being locked in that Tennessee bathroom with Bubba, Billy and Benny! Moi and Brady are coasting along the Georgia highways and my cell rings. I answer the phone and say “Hello Howie’s House Of Pleasure-How may I service you? JK! I just simply say…Hellloooo?
Hi, this is Doctor Feel Good! Oh, so nice of you to call Moi finally after what seems like weeks…can you imagine how nervous I have been? How many martini’s I have had, not to mention the happy pills I have ate for breakfast. Can you even begin to comprehend what I am going through? Huh? Can you? Well I will tell you. Do you know what it is like riding in a limo across half the country and have the diarrhea? Always having to pull over, sometimes even being locked in a bathroom with mountain men, and no toilet paper?
Doctor Feel Good expresses an apology and finally begins to tell Moi what I have been just waiting to hear(just barely hanging on, JK) and that’s when DFG delivers the news, it is the moment of truth…Divine Man, you have 22 Hemorrhoids! Can you believe this shit? No pun intended Divine Man.
Moi just sits there(thinking about my poor perfect booty) and says aloud “as if having 3 nuts and a 3rd tata were not enough, now I have 22 Hemorrhoids. Is that even possible?” DFG tells Moi that for the next 3 months I will have to sleep on my flat stomach so that there is no added pressure, and Moi has to stay away from cold surfaces and sudden movements. Guess there won’t be any sex anytime soon! Just thinking about that gorgeous flesh walking around in Paradise and Moi can’t have it!
Paradise here I come!
I guess all good things and bad come is 3’s…but 22? Enjoy your weekend my peoples! And remember, stay away from cold surfaces! I am sure cold surfaces don't even exist in Paradise!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Slinging in the Mud: The Blame Game!
While on the road recently I have had the fortunate opportunity to meet a lot of different people each with their own values, opinions, morals, and the right to vote. Moi normally stays away from political debates and discussions about who did what and did nothing and who is responsible for this great recession.
I have sat quietly on the side lines listening to the slander, the ridiculous bashing of each candidate, bringing up bad judgment from 20-30 years ago when a candidate was 14, as an example. Or each candidate slinging mud at the other and pointing out what the other WILL not do. My question is: What will each of these people try to do for Moi? And for the rest of the American public.
The biggest question I have is: Why are Americans blaming the current President for the recession and the awful economy? Did he cause the recession? Did he ignore the country for years? What really has the current President done that is so bad? Kinda funny how so many people blame him for everything. People expect him to clean up the mess that someone else created, and to do it over night. As If!
Whether it is Obama or if it would have been McCain the blame is being misdirected. Moi does not blame the current President for the state the country is in. When in fact I have reason to be angry, depressed, frustrated and mad. But Moi knows that the person or persons that ignored us, ruined the economy, well let’s just say this…they are no longer in the house.
As perfect and wise as Moi is, I would never want to be President. Just imagine the stress, pressure and day to day battles that he has to fight. Imagine how you might feel knowing that the masses are disgusted with you for all the wrong reasons. And no matter what you try and do to fix the issues and the loss of jobs, the closing of businesses, foreclosures, healthcare(don’t even get me started on this) and falling so deep into debt and depression that all you can think about is ending it all. Can you imagine being the spokesperson for the people with all this overwhelming pressure?
Moi truly feels that the blame has got to end. That expecting on person to make miracles happen over night is not going to happen. It took 8 years to get to this place, it will take longer to rebuild our country. What we are feeling is the after effects of a disaster just like it is when a natural disaster occurs. We have to all work together to rebuild, start anew, breath new life, create new futures.
But nothing good can happen with all the negative slinging, bashing and conflict or misdirected blame. It is time America grew up! Moi is so glad that the elections are over, now I can watch my soaps without interruptions and won't have to turn on the boob tube only to hear all that mudd slinging crap! Oh wait, Elizabeth will still have her mouth flapping on The View!
People need to take a good long hard look into the mirror(almost as much as Moi does) and realize no one person is perfect.
I have sat quietly on the side lines listening to the slander, the ridiculous bashing of each candidate, bringing up bad judgment from 20-30 years ago when a candidate was 14, as an example. Or each candidate slinging mud at the other and pointing out what the other WILL not do. My question is: What will each of these people try to do for Moi? And for the rest of the American public.
The biggest question I have is: Why are Americans blaming the current President for the recession and the awful economy? Did he cause the recession? Did he ignore the country for years? What really has the current President done that is so bad? Kinda funny how so many people blame him for everything. People expect him to clean up the mess that someone else created, and to do it over night. As If!
Whether it is Obama or if it would have been McCain the blame is being misdirected. Moi does not blame the current President for the state the country is in. When in fact I have reason to be angry, depressed, frustrated and mad. But Moi knows that the person or persons that ignored us, ruined the economy, well let’s just say this…they are no longer in the house.
As perfect and wise as Moi is, I would never want to be President. Just imagine the stress, pressure and day to day battles that he has to fight. Imagine how you might feel knowing that the masses are disgusted with you for all the wrong reasons. And no matter what you try and do to fix the issues and the loss of jobs, the closing of businesses, foreclosures, healthcare(don’t even get me started on this) and falling so deep into debt and depression that all you can think about is ending it all. Can you imagine being the spokesperson for the people with all this overwhelming pressure?
Moi truly feels that the blame has got to end. That expecting on person to make miracles happen over night is not going to happen. It took 8 years to get to this place, it will take longer to rebuild our country. What we are feeling is the after effects of a disaster just like it is when a natural disaster occurs. We have to all work together to rebuild, start anew, breath new life, create new futures.
But nothing good can happen with all the negative slinging, bashing and conflict or misdirected blame. It is time America grew up! Moi is so glad that the elections are over, now I can watch my soaps without interruptions and won't have to turn on the boob tube only to hear all that mudd slinging crap! Oh wait, Elizabeth will still have her mouth flapping on The View!
People need to take a good long hard look into the mirror(almost as much as Moi does) and realize no one person is perfect.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
A Tennessee Toilet: A Royal Flush, the conclusion
So “Triple B’s” however will we get out of here? I noticed that after the masses got my autograph that they filtered out. Which means we are all alone here and the only other person on the outside in my trusted friend Brady, however that does not make me feel any better. Because he is probably napping in my red limo. So what shall we do?
Benny speaks up and shares his thoughts with us: Well, I reckon we’s a should bang on the door and hollar “ Help us, help us ,help us!” Well, I being the intelligent MacGyver like person Moi is notices that there is a window that has been painted over. So I go into the stall and dismantle the toilet paper dispenser and take the metal flap from the roll and ask ever so nicely “ Triple B’s can you all left me up so I can scrap the letters S.O.S. onto the painted window and if that does not work we can try and find something to pry the window open with or if we have to…break it. Bubba and Benny lift Moi up wile Benny stands in the corner giggling with his hands in his pockets doing god only knows what! I scratch the letters S.O.S. on the window.
We wait for what seems like hours and finally Brady apparently has woken up from his long winters nap and bangs on the outside of the door and yells for Moi. I tell him we are locked in and we need help, because the hour glass is almost empty! Which means we are running out of air…stinky as it is, air none the less. He tries to jimmy the lock to no avail and goes searching for something to break the door in with. While he is doing that I am wiping beads of perspiration from my lovely brow and express my desire to break the dam window and have someone climb out and call 911 or the Mountain Rangers. So Benny breaks the window with his big thick head! Seeing as how I am the smallest and thinnest I am lifted up and begin to climb out the window and very so carefully dandle my gorgeous body from the broken window and jump to my freedom!
Needless to say, the Rangers were called and they got the “Triple B’s” out and I signed my autograph on each of there bellies! And thanked them for their hospitality in the crapper!
No matter where you find yourself in life, you are never alone. Just think, it can be always be worse. You could end up locked in a restroom with no toilet paper!
Benny speaks up and shares his thoughts with us: Well, I reckon we’s a should bang on the door and hollar “ Help us, help us ,help us!” Well, I being the intelligent MacGyver like person Moi is notices that there is a window that has been painted over. So I go into the stall and dismantle the toilet paper dispenser and take the metal flap from the roll and ask ever so nicely “ Triple B’s can you all left me up so I can scrap the letters S.O.S. onto the painted window and if that does not work we can try and find something to pry the window open with or if we have to…break it. Bubba and Benny lift Moi up wile Benny stands in the corner giggling with his hands in his pockets doing god only knows what! I scratch the letters S.O.S. on the window.
We wait for what seems like hours and finally Brady apparently has woken up from his long winters nap and bangs on the outside of the door and yells for Moi. I tell him we are locked in and we need help, because the hour glass is almost empty! Which means we are running out of air…stinky as it is, air none the less. He tries to jimmy the lock to no avail and goes searching for something to break the door in with. While he is doing that I am wiping beads of perspiration from my lovely brow and express my desire to break the dam window and have someone climb out and call 911 or the Mountain Rangers. So Benny breaks the window with his big thick head! Seeing as how I am the smallest and thinnest I am lifted up and begin to climb out the window and very so carefully dandle my gorgeous body from the broken window and jump to my freedom!
Needless to say, the Rangers were called and they got the “Triple B’s” out and I signed my autograph on each of there bellies! And thanked them for their hospitality in the crapper!
No matter where you find yourself in life, you are never alone. Just think, it can be always be worse. You could end up locked in a restroom with no toilet paper!
A Tennessee Toilet: A Royal Flush
On our journey we decide to exit the road for Moi, at a welcome center/wayside so I could powder my nose and stretch my newly sculpted legs and sign autographs(all it takes is one person to yell out: DIVINE MAN!) oh yes, and Brady felt inspired to try some Chew, being in the mountains and all! So after all the autographs and pictures taken of Moi(actually it turns out the people really wanted a picture of the statue behind Moi-but thought “why not get 2 for one!) Moi makes a bee line for the powder room. Moi’s bladder is full from the diet cokes from the “Golden Arches” and opens the door to the restroom. Immediately my gorgeous nostrils are engulfed with this burning horrendous stench of decaying road kill and cow patti’s! I ever so quickly cover my nose and slowly walk into the restroom and as I do the door behind Moi closes hard and makes an odd noise as it makes contact with the latch. Just then the lights flicker and I notice that I am not alone! As the lights flicker and buzz I see a man off to the right who seems to be enjoying relieving himself a bit to much. In the other direction are 3 stall doors, the first on is open so Moi dashes for the stall with my left hand over my nose and claiming sanctuary.
I lock myself in the stall and think “ for the love of god! What and the hell am I suppose to do now?” As I sit there with no cell phone, no pepper spray, and no nail file for protection I begin to hear this soft moaning coming from somewhere on the other side of my stall. As you can imagine I am just beside myself with shock and horror at the thought of what will happen to someone as gorgeous and innocent as Moi in a Tennessee mountain wayside restroom with strange men? *remember Deliverance*
The moaning escalates and then stops with a slow faint sign of …well…I guess relief? At this point the lights have stopped flickering and are now completely off. All is quiet so I think “Divine Man does not hide in a stall” so I unlock the door and let me eyes adjust to the darkness, and think “golly gee it sure is dark.” I begin to fumble with my hands trying to feel for the door and feel something soft, bouncy, kinda firm in certain spots and then realize I am touching the rather large, wide, tall, and flannel covered belly of a large lumberjack or mountain man. So I tickle him and he lets out a giggle and begs me to stop, but I can not! I do stop and ask him what his name is. He replies with “my names here is Bubba, and this here is my brother Benny and over yonder is my sonny Billy” We’s a reckon your name dem dere is Angel Of The Mountain! A pretty little thing such as yerself! I of course am flattered at the compliment regardless of the dire situation I find myself in. I always take time for a compliment from someone, even if his name is Bubba!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
The Road To Paradise 2
So Brady and Moi are driving through Illinois, paying the tolls and listening to Cher, Bette Midler, and Kenny Rodgers blaring from the audio system in the red limo. All is right with the world as we drive along this unknown path that we have embarked upon.
A little known fact about Moi’s travels, anytime I indulge myself with a vacation or holiday something life changing and/or altering happens to Moi. So we shall see what unfolds…
Brady decided to take HWY 51(thinking it would be quicker) guess he wanted the scenic route?
Not really sure what the hell he was thinking? Have you ever been through Illinois? Well I have twice! “Picture It” It is Fall 2010, the leaves are changing colors, falling lazily to the ground and the air is crisp and aromatic with the smell of cow crap and the sheer boredom of driving and stopping in each little non incorporated town that we seemed to pass through. It was like someone that is attempting to learn to drive a stick shift for the first time. Start, stop, start, and stop which continued which seemed like for days(a few hours) and as we approached the end of Illinois I was feeling a bit stressed, constipated(from the sitting) hemorrhoid irritation, and at a place of mental discomfort. I was not sure if I wanted to cry or just laugh uncontrollably. Thank the heavens we are finally past all that flat land and we are approaching Kentucky, the home of The Kentucky Derby(all those cute little men) Fried Chicken…do you know that there places to eat fried chicken on every corner? Such as: Chick Fil A, The Winners, KFC, Church’s Chix, Popeye’s and a few others. Tell me how many ways can one really fry chicken? It is also known for Bluegrass, and the fact that hunka hunk of burning flesh George Clooney was born there.
Kentucky was a very enjoyable ride for us…it was short.
Before we knew it, Brady was pulling into the exciting state of Tennessee, where country songs are created by women with very large breasts(Dolly Parton) men with achy breaky hearts, and 3 cigarettes in an ash tray! The day was long and we was approaching dusk as the fabulous red limo entered Nashville! I was of course admiring all the sights and sounds of this very BIG city from the back seat of my ride. I thought at this time it would be appropriate for a change of clothing. So I pulled out my red stetson, red boots and my skin tight black Wranglers and black t-shirt…oh and my red bandanna.
We made our way to our hotel, and of course yet again I was bombarded with fans, screaming, shouting my name, pulling on my shirt, one gal even tried tweaking my right nipple! As if! I guess everyone knows of me because of my white Jackie-O’s. I really do love my fans!
The next day in Tennessee would be like nothing Moi has ever experienced!
Stay tuned…
A little known fact about Moi’s travels, anytime I indulge myself with a vacation or holiday something life changing and/or altering happens to Moi. So we shall see what unfolds…
Brady decided to take HWY 51(thinking it would be quicker) guess he wanted the scenic route?
Not really sure what the hell he was thinking? Have you ever been through Illinois? Well I have twice! “Picture It” It is Fall 2010, the leaves are changing colors, falling lazily to the ground and the air is crisp and aromatic with the smell of cow crap and the sheer boredom of driving and stopping in each little non incorporated town that we seemed to pass through. It was like someone that is attempting to learn to drive a stick shift for the first time. Start, stop, start, and stop which continued which seemed like for days(a few hours) and as we approached the end of Illinois I was feeling a bit stressed, constipated(from the sitting) hemorrhoid irritation, and at a place of mental discomfort. I was not sure if I wanted to cry or just laugh uncontrollably. Thank the heavens we are finally past all that flat land and we are approaching Kentucky, the home of The Kentucky Derby(all those cute little men) Fried Chicken…do you know that there places to eat fried chicken on every corner? Such as: Chick Fil A, The Winners, KFC, Church’s Chix, Popeye’s and a few others. Tell me how many ways can one really fry chicken? It is also known for Bluegrass, and the fact that hunka hunk of burning flesh George Clooney was born there.
Kentucky was a very enjoyable ride for us…it was short.
Before we knew it, Brady was pulling into the exciting state of Tennessee, where country songs are created by women with very large breasts(Dolly Parton) men with achy breaky hearts, and 3 cigarettes in an ash tray! The day was long and we was approaching dusk as the fabulous red limo entered Nashville! I was of course admiring all the sights and sounds of this very BIG city from the back seat of my ride. I thought at this time it would be appropriate for a change of clothing. So I pulled out my red stetson, red boots and my skin tight black Wranglers and black t-shirt…oh and my red bandanna.
We made our way to our hotel, and of course yet again I was bombarded with fans, screaming, shouting my name, pulling on my shirt, one gal even tried tweaking my right nipple! As if! I guess everyone knows of me because of my white Jackie-O’s. I really do love my fans!
The next day in Tennessee would be like nothing Moi has ever experienced!
Stay tuned…
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Road To Paradise
My absence has been felt deeply across the globe leaving each of you with a sad lonely and dire void of emptiness. I know, I know, because I have felt it as well, while my dear friend Brady has been driving Moi from the Midwest to the lovely paradise of Clearwater, Florida.
And I have to interject here…been biting my teeth way to long! What is all this excitement about Oprah and her BFF’s BIG Adventure? Move over Oprah and Gayle! Divine Man and Brady are in the House!About a week ago I received a cryptic message(which I thought was a prank) as to the location of the F.O.Y.
The message read as follows: GO SOUTH ON THE TATTERED WINGS OF A RAVEN, WHEN YOU COME TO THE HOLLOW PALM SEEK THE SHADOW OF THE SUN AT THE SETTING HOUR DUE WEST.
So Moi made the necessary arrangements, instructed Brady of the message and where we had to travel. Do you know how pissed off the US Postal system gets when there has to be a HOLD put on fan mail? Well they get postal! After doing that, Moi called Tulips and Big Daddy to make arrangements for Diva Girl to stay with them while I am away. Of course Tulips was rather busy with Lucinda and her rather large ass and all her drama, so Diva Girl would have to spend her days with Big Daddy and his hounds “ Jerry and Leon.”
Now, whenever Diva Girl stays with family she comes with “special instructions” such as: She does not like the sun blinding her early in the morning, requires that you fluff her bedding and make sure her perfectly alabaster white fur and dark chocolate/liver spots are covered with her chenille blanket every evening, and that when you prepare her meals you serve her meals to her on china and she likes to drink water from her crystal dish that is embellished with diamonds spelling out her name…DIVA GIRL.
Moi of course has to make sure to have the proper couture for such a voyage of great proportions! So I decided to go with 7 pairs of Jackie-O’s, each in a different color to match each of my outfits and flip flops. Along with my flowing red robe with my feather boas, crystal wine/champagne flutes to drink from when I feel parched. Moi even decided to pack the new Speedo Maxima 2011 “Special Edition” Beach Thong which is metallic torch red! Oh yes, and my Olive Oil enhanced Tanning Lotion!
Brady arrives with his 2 duffle bags, brown paper sack with his whiskey and wine (that has seen better days) and his crocs! Moi however is all ready with my 5 piece Prada set, 12 pairs of designer flips flops, mini bar, traveling makeup counter, and my portable pedicure tub, oh and 2 queens and a hot comb!
To Be Continued...
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