A Tennessee Toilet: A Royal Flush

On our journey we decide to exit the road for Moi, at a welcome center/wayside so I could powder my nose and stretch my newly sculpted legs and sign autographs(all it takes is one person to yell out: DIVINE MAN!) oh yes, and Brady felt inspired to try some Chew, being in the mountains and all! So after all the autographs and pictures taken of Moi(actually it turns out the people really wanted a picture of the statue behind Moi-but thought “why not get 2 for one!) Moi makes a bee line for the powder room. Moi’s bladder is full from the diet cokes from the “Golden Arches” and opens the door to the restroom. Immediately my gorgeous nostrils are engulfed with this burning horrendous stench of decaying road kill and cow patti’s! I ever so quickly cover my nose and slowly walk into the restroom and as I do the door behind Moi closes hard and makes an odd noise as it makes contact with the latch. Just then the lights flicker and I notice that I am not alone! As the lights flicker and buzz I see a man off to the right who seems to be enjoying relieving himself a bit to much. In the other direction are 3 stall doors, the first on is open so Moi dashes for the stall with my left hand over my nose and claiming sanctuary.

I lock myself in the stall and think “ for the love of god! What and the hell am I suppose to do now?” As I sit there with no cell phone, no pepper spray, and no nail file for protection I begin to hear this soft moaning coming from somewhere on the other side of my stall. As you can imagine I am just beside myself with shock and horror at the thought of what will happen to someone as gorgeous and innocent as Moi in a Tennessee mountain wayside restroom with strange men? *remember Deliverance*

The moaning escalates and then stops with a slow faint sign of …well…I guess relief? At this point the lights have stopped flickering and are now completely off. All is quiet so I think “Divine Man does not hide in a stall” so I unlock the door and let me eyes adjust to the darkness, and think “golly gee it sure is dark.” I begin to fumble with my hands trying to feel for the door and feel something soft, bouncy, kinda firm in certain spots and then realize I am touching the rather large, wide, tall, and flannel covered belly of a large lumberjack or mountain man. So I tickle him and he lets out a giggle and begs me to stop, but I can not! I do stop and ask him what his name is. He replies with “my names here is Bubba, and this here is my brother Benny and over yonder is my sonny Billy” We’s a reckon your name dem dere is Angel Of The Mountain! A pretty little thing such as yerself! I of course am flattered at the compliment regardless of the dire situation I find myself in. I always take time for a compliment from someone, even if his name is Bubba!