Oprah, Moi and our Stedmans!

What is your platform? What is your calling? What lights you up?
　
As Moi snuggled into my red, soft, and plush velvet reclining chair today with a carton of bon bons, southern fried chicken wings, a crystal chalice filled with lemon water, a side of shrimp cocktail and the best china one can eat on that you can buy at the Dollar Tree. As Moi tuned into the very last episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show today I was inspired by a few quotes, stories she shared, and wisdom she has gained.

“Do you see me, do you hear me, because I have something to share, to say.”

“We all want one common thing, we want validation”

Oprah and Moi are alike in many ways, such as: She has her gal pal Gayle, Moi has his guy bud Brady and all my gal pals. She has her Stedman whom she has never married, Moi has his “Stedman whom I have never married.

Our weight goes up and down, back and forth, sideways, front to back! We both look great in pink, have had gerie curls, fake furs, and really big shoulder pads. But we also have one real important factor, we both listen, we wait, we listen to the guidance that is greater then the mind. Our life is always speaking to us, so pay attention to the whispers. Before the screaming starts and it overcomes you.

Moi has a platform, it might not be as big as Oprah’s stage, but I do have one. She spoke of what makes a person shine, light up from the inside out? That got me thinking, ummmm…what makes me light up? Well, my personality is what makes me light up, my crazy, kinky, creative, flamboyant, painful, desperate, and inspired soul is what makes me light up. What I have to offer to anyone who needs a friend, a confidant, a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, a safe harbor, a place of unconditional love and support, that is what makes Moi who I am. It is that and more moments, elements and traits that I possess which makes me who I am, I am who I am because of you.

The only real difference between Oprah and Moi is that I am white and my booty is smaller! Oh and my bank account is not as big as hers.
But my heart is!

A Homemade Pizza, Richie Rich And His Shorty!

Remember My Girl Friday(Marina Lovealots) and her date Richie?

Well about 2 months after that night with Richie Rich, Mutt and Jeff my BFF Marina decided to return to the Windy City for a fabulous job offer! At first Moi was saddened by this, but eventually after a lot of phone calls back and forth to Marina, and a few boxes of bon bons, wine and meditation walks Moi bounced back.

Marina and Moi talked weekly, laughed and she would tell me of all her exciting dates, the not so exciting ones, the one legged ones, and even the ones that lived in basements under mobile homes… “I know, I know, when Moi heard about that one, I was like What the Hell?”

A few months had passed and one particular Wednesday morning Marina calls Moi. She asks me “ Do you remember that guy named Richie?” I reply with “you mean the guy that inserted his tongue down your throat? that one” Marina was like…yeah that one. Well Richie called me today and asked if I still talk with you, and I told him “well da, of course I do!” Anyways I asked Richie why he wants to know and he told me that he thought you were really cool, fun and he does not have any friends to hang out with really and would like to hang out with you. He also asked for your digits and I told him I would have to ask you if you wanted him to call you. So what do you think bud?

Well, I was a bit shocked considering we had not even talked much that night, because his tongue was busy. But Moi thought what the hell? Why not, he seemed nice enough and Moi is always up for making new friends. So I told Marina to have Richie Call Moi!

Later that evening my crystal and gold phone rings and after extending my perfectly tanned and toned arm out to pick it up Moi answers with: My, my, I was wondering when you would call, how the hell are you Richie ole’ boy? Richie proceeded to chit chat with Moi about life, his loneliness, his kids, work, and his wish to meet a good lady to have a relationship with. We made plans to meet for dinner and drinks later that week on Friday night.

We had a great time hanging out that Friday night, and decided to hang out again on Saturday. Moi and Richie were becoming buds, friends and I tried to introduce him to single ladies that I knew. Moi even invited him to go with on a bar drive with a group of my friends. I guess it is the thing to do in the Midwest after a long winter of being stuck indoors. You see the idea of the bar drive is to ride around all day in a school bus playing games to win prizes like drinks, shots, cd’s, movies, etc…
While going to each bar that day Richie and I had many laughs, met a lot of people and had one to many drinks.

About a week after the bar drive event, Richie and I decided to watch a movie at my Victorian townhouse. I made homemade pizza, chilled some micro-brews, and we enjoyed the movie. After the movie, Moi went into the kitchen to get a brew for Richie and Moi. When I returned to the living room there was no Richie to be found. Moi has assumed that he had left and slipped out the front door or something. So I turned off the lights, locked the doors, and undressed in my dressing room. As I got my satin red flowing robe out and wrapped it out around my lavish body I ascend to my boudoir.
I am stunned, shocked and totally astonished at what I find waiting for me on top of my silk draped bed…it was Richie laying there totally nude, exposing his very handsome and sexy toned body. He asks Moi: So how do we do this? Should I stand up? Lay down? Do you want to be on top or the bottom? Again I am so stunned, shocked and astonished. As I stand there my shock turns into disgust and I summon these words: No one is going to stand, lay down, be on top or on the bottom Richie! I don’t know what you think is happening here but I do not, I repeat DO NOT Play With LITTLE GUYS! Understand! Itsy, Bitsy, Teeney, Weeney Short Dick Man!

Let’s just say this, Richie Rich was not so Rich in the bedroom department, and he was what Moi would call a shorty with a slimy interior.
　　

A Godmother With A Capital B!

Have you ever wondered who or when the role of Godparents were created?

Well Moi has and does. I have always wanted to know how and when “Godparents” were created. So after some sleuthing, digging into the depths of birth, faith, traditions and a few gutters Moi found an answer. Apparently it all started in the Medieval Times in Europe when fathers were being forced into war and the mothers were forced into slavery like roles. So while they were loosing their rights as parents they selected another man and woman to take the role of father and mother to their own.

Over the years the role of Godparents has taken a much lesser stance in life. The once honored title of Godparent has been taken for granted. Has been thrown to the sidelines and forgotten.
Moi naturally has a tale to tell about this. A tale of delusion, distaste and broken promises.

It was 1985, 3 o’clock in the afternoon on a Thursday afternoon and my brother and I were taken to my Grandparents house. Well actually it was now my Grandpa’s home because Grandma had recently passed. We were to stay with Big G while Tulips and Big Daddy were in a meeting with their attorney.
While at Big G’s house that afternoon Moi’s Godmother Kara arrived with her husband, Uncle Sam. Then our Aunt Kendra and her hubby arrived, his name is Tomas.

Kara and Sam ordered dinner for all the grown ups. I guess the very idea of feeding my brother and I was unheard of for her.  As Moi thinks back to all the times my parents fed, clothed and cared for each of their children and never once complained or mistreated them, well it makes my blood boil over and my head starts spinning and spewing green slime! Okay that last bit is a bit over the top, but it does make Moi see red.
Because that very day while we were there staying at Big G’s and Kara and Sam went to pick up the dinner they had ordered which we thought was also for us two, well we were excited. We were excited at the thought and vision of that delicious cheesy and meat lover loaded pizza oozing and dripping from our mouths, the bread sticks tantalizing our teeth as we chewed at them and enjoyed the salad that was ever so fresh and tangy.

However when they got back with the food, they all sat down in the dining room with only enough plates for just the adults. Kara instructed that we were not allowed to sit at the table and eat with them. No she instead went into the kitchen and opened a dust covered can of “Dinty Moore Beef Stew” which looked and smelled like wet dog food. She then instructed us to sit on the floor in the living room and eat our partially warmed slop.

They all sat there laughing, talking, enjoying the pizza, salad, breadsticks, and ignoring us. I don’t blame Big G because he was not very coherent as he was mourning the loss of Big Mama. Moi remembers his not even eating a whole piece of pizza. He sat there in a daze, a sad daze while they all ignored him and proceeded to fill their faces. Kara not only filled her face, but she also added more fat to her already large booty. Sam, well he just ate, Kendra well she ate happily adding more poundage to her telephone sized legs while sucking and licking her dentures off. Tomas laughed and tried talking with his mouth full, which even if it was not full you still could not understand what he said.

Moi’s bro and I sat there on the floor just watching this display of disgust. From that moment on, Moi found himself not wanting to be around Kara my Godmother with a capital “B”.

Then years later when Moi was 21, and headed for California to live with a couple that were close family friends so Moi could pursue acting school and work part time at Disneyland. Which was another dream of Moi’s. Anyways a few days after I secured my airfare, packed my bags, and gave notice at my job our friends call and inform us that Barry has Cancer and will need treatments. Well that put an end to Moi’s dreams. But then Big Daddy had an idea, he called my Godmother Kara who now lived out in Arizona with Sam and asked them if I could fly from LA to Phoenix and stay with them for a while? She of course said YES. And so we went and got a plane ticket to take me from LA to Phoenix. The very next day after we paid for the non-refundable ticket Kara being the wonderful Godmother that she was told me that I could not come, as she thought I would be in the way. That it just was not a “good time” for me to come. Well Moi is not stupid, she just did not want to have me there. Since then Moi has never had anything good to say about her. I guess I always thought that a Godparent was suppose to love you, care for you, listen to you, take care of you when no one else could? I thought that a Godparent is to be the one person you can turn to for advice, and someone you can count on, someone that has your back.

Moi has 2 Godchildren of my own. I love them, listen to them, talk with them, love them both deeply. They know that I have their back, that I will always have their best interests in mind.

Being a Godparent is not a duty, it is a honor, a gift of love.
　　
　

Moi's Castle Prediction...

On the next season of Castle: Kate Beckett, a.k.a. Nikki Heat will live after being fatally shot down at the funeral of Capt. Roy Montgomery's funeral.  The fallout will be Kate not being able to remember the last words that Rick Castle spoke to her...I Love You, you can't leave me, I Love You, Kate, you can't leave me...

It will take all season for her to remember those words.  Rick will love her, but from afar.  Her co-workers and Kate will all adjust to a rocky season with a new Captain...will it be the "mystery person" who killed Kate's Mother?

The question will remain "who killed her mother?"

and ..."who shot Kate Beckett?"

Castle: Kate Beckett Will Live!

OMG, OMG, Moi is just so torn up about the shocking season finale of Castle.  Moi knew Capt. Roy Montgomery was involved with the death of Kate Becketts' Mother.  After Capt. Roy is shot, which is sad...but to have Kate shot at his funeral is riveting, brilliant, and so sad, so sad that Moi's eyes teared up!

K.Beckett a.k.a. Nikki Heat and Rick Castle are HOT, HOT, HOT.  Castle is sexy, funny, and a breath of fresh air to the typical crime dramas.  They are my number one couple.  Castle has it all.  Love, mystery, comedy, sexy overtures, muscle, heat, crime, and Rick and Kate!

Moi will be angst with ulcers all summer waiting to see if she lives!  She must live becasue Rick finally told her he LOVES her!

If you are not watching it, you are missing out on the best sexy funny crime drama ever!

My Girl Friday, My BFF: Marina Lovealots

　
“Picture It, it is 2006” a rather chilly fall evening, Moi is looking rather smashing in tan suede boot cut pants, black boots, a black low cut sweater revealing just enough flesh to make any mouth drool, and a black leather coat that rested just above my perky booty. Moi was getting ready to meet up with my Girl Friday, Marina Lovealots. Marina and Moi met a few years before when I was tending to her tootsie’s while I was performing an orgasmic pedicure on her. We became close friends. It was like Sex In A Midwest City! I was her wing man and she was my wing girl.

Marina is about 5’4, warm caramel blonde shoulder length hair, green eyes, kissing lips, a slim figure and a wild mouth that enjoys laughing, kissing, and beer…ok and a few other things! Marina was 34 at the time we met, and we were at the prime of our lives.

So on this particular evening we agreed to meet up at one of our local haunts, it was an Italian Bistro and Lounge. We met up that night, and to Moi’s surprise Marina arrived with a handsome date named Richie. He was tanned, short brown hair, his chest and body seemed to be well toned, and he was a charming man. I guess him to be about 5’10, and he had these eyes that sparkled an intenseness that screamed sex, erotic pleasure and a bit of arrogance. While we sat there enjoying our drinks, Richie decided to shove his tongue down Marina’s throat. After sitting there watching them makeout Moi decided to go sit at the bar.

Like always, everywhere Moi goes someone always offers to buy me a drink. This time it was 2 guys, whom of which were twenty something. One was tall, dark, and handsome, the other shorter, edgy and had an attractive smile. Eventually Moi, along with Mutt and Jeff decided that Marina and Richie should go to the a dance club named: The Rod.

We all arrived at The Rod, once in the parking lot Mutt, Jeff and Richie all got cold feet. Typical. Regardless Marina Lovealots and Moi decided to make it a night filled with dancing and flirtation!

I guess we were just too much for Richie Rich and his 2 new sidekicks, Mutt and Jeff!

A Burlesque Like Star Shining Somewhere In The Midwest!

How does a star get discovered?

Have you ever wondered how stars really get discovered? Who decides which one(s) to select from the rest? I mean there are so many out there that want to be the next big star. Some twinkle, some fade in and out, while others grow weak. But every once in a while there is one that will surpass all others. The one that will shine regardless of the storms, of the chaos, and all the dark clouds. It is that one that you will look up to, that will inspire, instill hope, the one that you will await to see each day, each night, each week.

Today Moi watched a wonderful movie that for some unknown reason I have not seen until now. It is the story of a young, eager individual that is divine and does not even realize it. Which is what makes this character so amazing. Ali is from The Great Midwest, and takes off for bigger and better horizons. To go find herself, to go and do what she has always dreamed of. Life, Love and Security. Ali wants to let her passions shine. And she does. However, like any real star the path to stardom is not easy. But thanks to her fairy like godmother, is the clubs’ owner Tess. Does any of this sound oddly familiar? I will give you a hint…the Midwest, passions, star, wanting love and security?

Anyways, this movie brought a bout of inspiration in Moi! It inspired Moi so, that I have decided to embrace, really embrace who I am. You see that star up there, it has always been there, but no has yet to discover it. And now I know you are asking yourself “why has no one discovered this star that has always been there all the time?” good freaking question. I know, I know, it is a shame. So this has Moi thinking…I think it is time that Moi is discovered. It is time to let Moi shine like the star I am.

You see I truly feel that it is those that twinkle, fade in and out and especially those that begin to lose their sparkle are really the ones that will shine. The one that does not just think it, but can feel it, and own it. The one that is visionary. The one that does not let those dark clouds roll in for very long. Just like Ali in BURLESQUE this little Midwestern star is ready to shine!

Never give up, never let go of your goals, your dreams, and never let your star fade and burnout.

The Comb Over To The Rescue!

The Moon is glowing as the shadows of the night are gathering to sing their dark siren. As I walk along in my black trench coat and fedora complete with a red ostrich feather, I walk quietly against the shadows and the cement walls under the overpass. Constantly looking all around and turning over my shoulder to make sure no one is following me. My breathing is getting faster and faster as is the beat of my heart. The goose bumps are forming up and down my back, arms and thighs.

As I walk along a fog starts to cautiously smolder all around me, almost engulfing me like flies surrounding a pile of horse crap in a sunny pasture. Just then I hear footsteps and as I turn to look they suddenly stop. My knees are shaking but I know it must be my imagination, and I need to remain calm. I need to keep it together if I am going to complete my mission. My mission to get the truth and expose “The Family” and all it’s dark dirty secrets.

I cling to my cell phone and voice recorder I make haste and make my way to the employee entrance of what is only a façade for “The Family Business” and just as I go to turn the knob and open the door, there are arms grabbing at me from behind and shoving a cloth in my face. As the strong odor fills my nostrils I begin to fill dizzy and all goes black.

Slowly my eyes begin to flutter as I gasp for air and adjust to the lighting in the space I am in. I feel dizzy and start to realize that I am on a chaise lounge of some sort. It is soft to the touch, a crushed velvet I think. But before I can get up I feel the weight of a man on my chest and his lips are pressing up against mine. The pressure of his heat is burning rapidly as he continues to kiss me. His strong arms are all around me as I try to fend him off. I quickly move my left arm up to his head and begin to pull his hair, or actually his “comb over!” OMG he has a comb over! Thoughts are racing in my mind. Who is this man? And then it hits me like a brick falling on my head from a plane. Hint: comb over, man kissing wildly, wearing only a bath robe with a button on his collar that reads: Big D 4 President!

Big D lifts me off the chaise lounge and hurries me to a door and tells me to run to the payphone on the corner and wait for it to ring. He will tell me all I need to know and where to meet him. As I run out of the building into the darkness I hear those famous words echoing from behind “You’re Fired!” but I do not stop, I run, run for my life to reach the phone booth. I get the phone and wait what seems like for hours. 20 minutes pass and then the phone rings. And that’s when I wake up. Dam Dam Dam! Why does that always happen at the crucial point of the dream?

And what does this dream mean?
　
　

　
　

The Best Of The Best: My Grams(Mother Rose)

Friendship. What is it really? What does it mean to you? What is Friendship?
　
Moi has had a lot of friendships throughout the years. Some have come into my life for a lifetime. While others breezed in and then breezed out just as fast as they could. Like what Dorothy says while in Munchkin Land: “My, My, People come and go so quickly here” or like the famous friendship in the movie “Beaches” that touched hearts the world over.

Moi has always had 3 true friendships. Above all that has happened in Moi’s life, regardless how many times I tried to push them each away, regardless of the depth of pain Moi has endured, or even when I could not help myself and wanted to take that leap off the edge into the darkness. It was at those moments, each of those moments I knew that someone was there.

Moi wants to tell you about one person that has a great impact on my life. That is my Grams. My Grams, also known as Mother Rose was a simple woman that gave Moi 2 incredible gifts. One being my Mother Tulips, and the second being my “special gift” to help people, alive or dead to shine, walk their chosen path, to create a sense of inspiration, hope and humor in times of turmoil and sadness. You see like all lines, they have to start somewhere, don’t they?

Grams is/was the matriarch of our family. She passed away 4 years ago.

I want to share with you a few things she taught me, and still does: Since I can remember she taught me to be me, myself, who I am regardless of what others thought about me. She always said to Moi “Just be yourself, smile, smile always and let forgive and forget.” I have to say that whenever I saw her and I was not smiling the first thing she would say to me was “smile….ok that’s better, I just love seeing you smile” and then she would ask me: “tell me what’s wrong, what has you so sad?”

I would sit for hours at times listening to her life stories, her pains, her happiness, joys, heartbreak and lessons that she learned along her path. She always made sense.

Then there were the times she would be silly and tell me things like: When you are on the toilet, never ever squeeze, the pressure is bad for your heart. Or like when we went to the movie theater to see Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves and she was all giddy when we saw Robin’s naked booty. I mean I got to say it made Moi a bit giddy as well. Then there was the time when I was in 7^th Grade and Grams took my brother and Moi to get our ear pierced. She was a hip lady.

I remember she asked me once when I was in my 20’s who had my heart. Who did I want to spend my life with? I asked her how does one know that? She told me that I would know that by the following: Who do you call or want to speak to when you have positive news to share, or when you have pain or sadness. Who makes you happy, sad, who turns your world upside down, who drives you crazy and inspires. She told me that when I can answer each of these questions I would know who.

She also told me to never ever give up. Fight the war, survive the battle, and reap the rewards.

Mother Rose, my Grams is a beautiful woman inside and out. I have so many fond memories of her. Of our time together, even today I can feel her with me, next to me. She is my guide, my star that directs me to safety. She is missed dearly. There were times when we did not agree, we had our tough moments, but she always loved me unconditionally. God, how I miss her. She was a pain in the booty at times, but I would give anything, anything to have her tell me: SMILE!

Not even death can break a bond, or a connection. Love is eternal, Love is forever.　

The Divine Code: Words To Live By

Moi was recently asked “what makes you Divine? And what code do you live by?” Well Moi lives by a code alright! The Divine Code! What other code is there?
　
D = Dig deep into your soul and retrieve your divineness.
I =Inspire others by example and action.
V = Vivacious, vibrancy, and vitality. All of which are essential elements to possess.
I = I am an integral part of an incredible existence, and invite divineness into my life.
N = Never waste your energy and existence on bitterness, the past, what your can not change, nor what you can control.
E = Embrace your spirit, your soul, your inner strength, beauty and let it all shine!　

My Ass Is So Flat, You Could Serve Roasted Pig On It!

Ever been on a drive that seemed like it would never and your hemorrhoids were screaming “get off me, get off me, I need to be massaged!”

Well Moi’s booty was so sore, flat(you could serve tea on it), and my 22 hemorrhoids that were now down to 2 were surely erupting into most likely 40 of them painful little shits!

I have to say, the long haul back to the Great Mid-west was rather uneventful, quiet, and tiring except for that one small little teenie weenie event. Moi was riding along in the back of my white limo with Diva Girl as we laid spread out across the red velvet covered seat as Moi sipped on champagne infused with acai, and wheat grass juice(the healthy version) while nibbling on a BIG cucumber(whuch always stirs memories).

As the limbo made it’s way along the highways, byways, and back roads of northern Florida, all of the long state of Georgia, then we began our way to Tennessee and into the mountains where Moi got stuck in the bathroom with Benny, Billy and Bubba….remember the Royal Flush? Yeah we Moi does! To this day those cute hillbillies still sent Moi road kill soup and homemade toothpicks!

Anywho we arrive in Clarksville, TN where we are greeted at the city limits by what appears to be the whole city including a beer wagon, a few hundred cases of Moonshine, coolers full of “Killer Kool-Aid” and the best looking Smokey fire pit roasted wild boar that I have ever seen eaten by everyone but Moi!

Once the Mayor and the Coroner each gave their welcome speeches to Moi, Diva Girl and Brady, I spent another 2 hours getting pictures taken with every person including a 3 legged dog and a pot belly pig named “Dick The Love Machine.” Or was it just a really round and overweight little person?

Eventually we made our way to the happiness hotel. And what a happy hotel it was! Brady sure knows how to pick them! Moi has to say there is something to be said about a hotel that has a lovely view of a pig farm! And the aroma was just superb!

Illinois was just as welcoming! But in a different way!

If you ever find yourself riding in the back of a limo for endless hours, just remember it could be worse. You be riding in the back of a pickup truck that has no shocks or spring support while surrounded by pigs! Not men, but pigs!