My Ass Is So Flat, You Could Serve Roasted Pig On It!

Ever been on a drive that seemed like it would never and your hemorrhoids were screaming “get off me, get off me, I need to be massaged!”

Well Moi’s booty was so sore, flat(you could serve tea on it), and my 22 hemorrhoids that were now down to 2 were surely erupting into most likely 40 of them painful little shits!

I have to say, the long haul back to the Great Mid-west was rather uneventful, quiet, and tiring except for that one small little teenie weenie event. Moi was riding along in the back of my white limo with Diva Girl as we laid spread out across the red velvet covered seat as Moi sipped on champagne infused with acai, and wheat grass juice(the healthy version) while nibbling on a BIG cucumber(whuch always stirs memories).

As the limbo made it’s way along the highways, byways, and back roads of northern Florida, all of the long state of Georgia, then we began our way to Tennessee and into the mountains where Moi got stuck in the bathroom with Benny, Billy and Bubba….remember the Royal Flush? Yeah we Moi does! To this day those cute hillbillies still sent Moi road kill soup and homemade toothpicks!

Anywho we arrive in Clarksville, TN where we are greeted at the city limits by what appears to be the whole city including a beer wagon, a few hundred cases of Moonshine, coolers full of “Killer Kool-Aid” and the best looking Smokey fire pit roasted wild boar that I have ever seen eaten by everyone but Moi!

Once the Mayor and the Coroner each gave their welcome speeches to Moi, Diva Girl and Brady, I spent another 2 hours getting pictures taken with every person including a 3 legged dog and a pot belly pig named “Dick The Love Machine.” Or was it just a really round and overweight little person?

Eventually we made our way to the happiness hotel. And what a happy hotel it was! Brady sure knows how to pick them! Moi has to say there is something to be said about a hotel that has a lovely view of a pig farm! And the aroma was just superb!

Illinois was just as welcoming! But in a different way!

If you ever find yourself riding in the back of a limo for endless hours, just remember it could be worse. You be riding in the back of a pickup truck that has no shocks or spring support while surrounded by pigs! Not men, but pigs!