Black Friday. What makes it black? Is it the fact that everyone including their mother comes out in full force to bring terror to the minds of all retail workers everywhere? Moi decided to forego the pleasure of waiting in line for hours before the gates opened only to allow all that…well…insanity to pour in. No, Moi did not go out and risk breaking a nail. I have my peeps to do that for Moi!
Instead my Black Friday was rather quiet. After Moi arose from my boudoir’ all refreshed from a rather enjoyable nights rest and perfect dreams I entered the kitchen. Still wearing my leather skinned Thanksgiving themed outfit(loin cloth), feather headdress hanging off to one side of my head, tribal paint smeared on various parts of Moi’s irresistible body. As I look back over my shoulder Moi’s perky lips begin to grow from ear to ear recalling my unexpected “Thanksgiving Gift” that arrived in the form of a certain “Good Looking One” from Disney World! The sight of seeing this figure laying unclothed in Moi’s chambers beneath my 650 Egyptian Cotton thread count sheets while the ceiling fan spins lazily around filtering the lasting lingering aromas of love in the room.
Moi is now a “firm” believer in “Make A Wish” and “It Will Come True.”
After the “Good Looking One” leaves Moi and parts with a very intense passionate kiss and asks to take Moi out to dinner this weekend I decide to make this paradise a bit like “home” and so I start to filter through all my fabulous designs looking and seeking out a bit of inspiration. And naturally Moi finds it!
Last year(Christmas 2009) while still in my palace I designed a room fit for a Queen. Like Moi! Let me describe the room’s décor to you: The Living Room walls were painted with 2 shades of gold with a metallic golden sheen applied as a top coat, the crown molding was metallic gold, and the ceiling was ivory with a frame of gold leafing with a marbleizing faux finish. The room was all aglow with amber lights, clear holiday lights, with gold, bronze, champagne, and crystal ornaments with rich velvet ribbons to create a warm and truly opulent environment appropriate for royalty.
Moi has decided to re-create this room with a tropical twist and some more modern holiday floral pieces to accentuate the tree.
Moi has always loved decorating for the holidays…Halloween, Christmas, and Easter/Spring. And of course there is Divine Man Day! Which should be a legalized holiday!
Happy Home Trimming! Seasons Greetings!
Remember YOU are DIVINE! Well almost as divine as MOI!
While on the road Moi has had A LOT of time to reflect, look back and look forward. I also have been thinking about what is important truly to Moi. Have you ever heard of the ole’ saying “Home Is Where The Heart Is?” well I believe that deeply. I have traveled and moved 31 times through my young existence and I do enjoy it because it provides me with excitement, a sense of newness that I am always eager to have in life. And it allows me to buy new furniture each time I move. It is Moi’s way of forever stimulating the economy.
Anyways, back to “Home Is Where The Heart Is” if you think about it, and if you reflect on all your happiest moments and memories from when you were a child to present day…where were you? For Moi really has been blessed. My “home” really is where the heart rests.
Growing up in a family like mine, remember Tulips…the saintly Mother of mine with the heart as pure as golden sugar cane who is my dearest and most treasured person in my life, and my Grams, may she be resting in peace with Gramps. And of course Big Daddy…he is a rather husky loud Italian man, who spends his time making wine, canning veggies and anything else that he can pickle(I have been looking for our bird for a few months, ummm?) and then there is the “happy lil family” which consists of my brother Terrance, his wife Evita, and their 3 adorable boys.
This Thanksgiving Moi will be spending it on the beach eating lobster, shrimp stuffing, flaming pink flamingo, citrus vodka infused cranberry relish, yams, couscous, and pumpkin pecan cheesecake. Moi does love traditional stuffing, especially when Tulips and I prepare it together. That really is the only part of turkey day that I enjoy, oh and when Tulips and Moi compares the size of Tom Turkey’s cobbler compared to that of Butterball’s. Sometimes you come across a really BIG cobbler!
Moi can safely say “Everyone really does have fruitful blessings and reasons to be thankful.” This year has been rather testing and as Moi looks back at last November and how I came so close to falling off The Edge Of Darkness and looking at where I am today(in my red limo) typing another fabulous tale for all of you.
So this November 25th, 2010 as you are gathering with your family, lover(s), your child, yourself or with perhaps those less fortunate then yourself take a moment to reflect, and share your reason(s) of gratitude.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Just Monday Moi was invited to spend the day at Walt Disney World in Orlando Florida for what I thought would be a mere day of fun or frolic! After all it is the happiest place on earth is it not? I decide to go incognito wearing only a fitted white tank, tan shorts and my walking shoes oh and a lovely single piece of jewelry which hung around my ever so flawless tanned tight neck and dangled down to my perky tatas which drew just the right amount of attention to them.
Moi arrives at the World Of Disney in a rented car so as not to attract suspicion to my divine self. I even wore a different pair of Jackie O’s…red ones! So all is well and Moi is exploring the Disney’s Hollywood Studios. As I venture out into this exciting world of stars, lights, cameras and action(Moi is use to this) I decide to take in “The Great Movie Ride.” Which I so enjoy seeing all the life like scenes come to life, like Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom(snakes! not good!) Casablanca, Singing In The Rain, True Grit, and my favorite…The Wizard Of Oz! Moi wanted to steal the ruby slippers before that girl Dorothy did!
Next Moi went to Animal Kingdom and enjoyed watching the musical show “The Festival Of The Lion King” where Moi was honored with a front role seat which allowed me to revel with utter delight and had my heart pounding from the “Good Looking One” after I got a wink from that dark rich eye which was only a small part of a much bigger package! Nothing more enticing then a body suit with leather, African beads, feathers and bare skin exposed in all the right places! After the show I was allowed to go back stage for a Meet and Greet.
I left the “Meet and Greet” feeling refreshed. Moi proceeded to walk around Animal Kingdom with a big smile, a phone number, and unbeknownst to Moi…tribal paint rub off on my face!
My day concluded with “The Magic Kingdom Firework Spectacular” which was themed and narrated by Jimny Cricket and the Blue Fairy. It is the year of Make A Wish With Disney. The show was by far the very best and most moving fireworks display Moi has ever seen. And the most memorable part was when a certain someone quietly walked up next to Moi and touch my hand and held it ever so close to that one place on the body that is warm, throbbing, big, and is apparently really into Moi…the heart. You are such perverts, Moi knows what you were thinking!
Remember, go out and find your Divine Self!
Dear Divine Man,
First I want to tell you how much I enjoy reading your blog. You have given me something special to look forward to every week.
Second I have a growing concern with my 17 year old son. It seems my son has been coming to my place during the day during the lunch hour with his guy friend that is gay. Now I have no issue with him having a gay friend or them hanging out here. But what I am concerned about is the fact when I get home after work the pillows and comforter on my bed are not where I positioned them in the morning. And I know this because I am a bit OCD I guess about this.
I consider myself a bi-man. His mother and I got divorced this recently and I had a wonderful guy in my life that I neglected or maybe I mistreated in some way. He gave me my walking papers. Which I deserve, my son and my ex bf got along well. My son even opened up a bit with him about his thoughts and feelings. My concern is that maybe he is gay or is exploring his sexuality and it is in my bed. And I wish he would open up to me about whatever it is that he is dealing with. And how do I call my ex and ask him if he knows anything that can help me?
What should I do? Help me please.
Joe
Joe, Joe, Joe…
Let me get this clear…you were married and had a BF at the same time? Could this be why you are no longer married? Regardless…
Moi feels you need to do this one with your son’s Mother and openly discuss your concerns with your son. Make it a relaxed atmosphere, perhaps over dinner(Moi’s family has had a lot of sex talks with food present) or doing it casually. That way no one has to feel nervous. Talk about it, give him a chance to express what he is feeling and thinking.
Or
You can contact the wonderful man you neglected and beg for his help. Sometimes a neutral party is the best route to take? Whatever you decide, always know your own actions are what your own child sees and hears. Something to think about.
All the best!
D.M.
Moi must apologize for my lack of words on Tuesday and last week a day or 2. Moi is re-adjusting as of late to a transition. A new location of sorts. Paradise.
Wherever Moi goes and lives, I create things of great beauty, appeal, comfort and of genius work, design and perception. This time I am embarking on something very different. Something of which Moi has never ever attempted…modern and contemporary. Moi’s new project place has a rather large living room…24 X 12, a dining room 12 X 12, The Kitchen is 12 X 12, two bedrooms that are 13 X 12 each with an adjoining bathroom and walk-in closets.
Of course Moi has begun to re-design the ever so boring interior. This is Moi’s 12th renovation/remodel after all. It is something I get great joy and a creative inspiring outlet with. All my property projects have been openly and honestly “Better Homes and Gardens” quality. But then anything Moi attempts and touches turns to gold…kinda like the “Midas Touch.”
As I begin the work I will include pictures of each room, Before and after pics! And who knows maybe you will want Moi to re-do and enhance a room in your living space?
Moi recently went to the pool where I laid out and let the sun engulf my ever so perfect body and work on my tan. While at the pool relaxing I noticed there were a large number of …shall Moi say “mature women” and most of them had blue, maroon, and even gold hair. And Moi began to wonder what would happen if they each got there hair wet? Would it turn the pool water a lovely shade of “mud?” or would nothing happen? As I laid there reading my latest copy of “Soap Opera Weekly” and enjoying all the latest and upcoming spoilers, Moi kept looking out over my magazine and kept retreating to my original thought…”What would happen to these ladies and their colorful beehives if they were wet or hosed down?”
So I ever so carefully tiptoed around the pool deck and one by one changed the timer on the sprinklers and coordinated(which Moi does perfectly) them so they all would go off 10 minutes after Moi has left the pool. The sprinklers are all placed around the pool and spray right into the water. As I leave and hide in anticipation of what will happen, snickering at the thought of all the hair dye running down their heads and into the pool water…
I wait, and wait for what seems like forever, but is only 5 minutes, then 7, 8, 9 and finally 10! I watch…and nothing happens! What? THIS CANNOT BE! And then I hear a noise behind MOI…I turn and look and all 20 of these multi colored hair grannies with hoses and buckets of water, and pails…
Moi eventually left drenched…and with a lot of phone numbers! You see sometimes even backfires can work out. It is just how you approach the situation. And Moi does it ever so perfectly.
Go out and find your own Divine self! And never ever under estimate those blue haired ladies!
Remember Moi’s friend Dawneen? Well she recently emailed Moi and told me she longer is called Dawneen. Instead she now apparently goes by the name of “Mimi” which I think is so her. She is always doing things like that. Changing her name, her hair style, her underwear, her next favorite obsession!
So Mimi and Moi have been together through thick and thin, great times and not so great of times. We are each others secret medicine “laughter” and we have cried together. I remember one particular day in the Fall we were driving along in Mimi’s Jeep and were on our way to a Holiday Gift Sale and approached an intersection. The light was yellow and there was a vehicle in front of us so we came to a stop as the light changed to red. We sat there chatting and gossiping about people and laughing at everything. We must have sat there for 15 minutes while the light changed multiple times and then we realized in all the gossip and laughter that the car in front of us was empty! There was no one in it! When we finally composed ourselves Mimi pulled her Jeep around the empty car and proceeded to drive, which we ended up going the wrong direction. Eventually we got to our destination that day!
We have seen and heard a lot of crazy things over the years, love affairs, new jobs, relocations, children growing up and going to college, old flames, new flames, and much much more.
If you ever find yourself all alone, sad and torn apart by life or feeling fun and free always know you have someone in your corner. Someone that has your hand, your back, your big ass, little Tata’s, and Moi has been blessed with many great people! There is Tulips, Brady, Mimi, Cubes, Shanna and Patty, Stan, my adorable nephews Brandon, Ray and Devon. My goddaughter Jenna and many other people. Some living and those whose spirit fills me with strength such as: My Grams, Old Grandma, my Papa’s and the many other spirits that Moi has had the pleasure of meeting and helping.
We are entering a season of reflection, hope, blessings and a holiday of thanksgiving! Always let your those you hold close to your heart know how much you love them and appreciate them.
Moi has to tell you about two other dear friends, Jolene and Kitty. Jolene is blonde, perky tata’s, a wonderful personality(kinda cocky) and is always a joy to chat with. Now Kitty is much like Jolene and Moi, sassy, yet quiet but always looking for a good time. Recently the three of us decided to glam it up and hit the town for a evening filled with naughty laughter, smiles, gossip, drinks, and galleries filled with “Mirkins”…(look up what a Mirkin is) We had such a wonderfully happy evening, especially when we concluded our evening with Mimi, Wanda and Wanda’s FB Terry.
Jolene told us about her ever do stressful day she had. It seems Jolene discovered a pair of “pumps” that she just had to have in her most recent issue of “Mirkin Style.” The pumps are an erotic shade of blue called “Electric Blue” with diamonds encrusting the tips and are screaming out “Take Me Now!” She spent 4 hours of desperately trying to score thee earth for a pair of these pumps screaming at the sales reps and demanding that they find her a pair or start making them!
Kitty on the other hand sat there listening in an animated fashion slurping on her Bloody Mary, or as Moi likes to call them “Salad on Ice” enjoying every drop of it as if she were making love to Fabio on a stallion while trotting along up a hill and once reaching it’s peak releasing her shear and total unrequited love for it.
Moi looked ever so cute and almost 15 again in a clever little black canvass cap, while sporting a tan canvass coat with a banded collar that Mimi bought Moi and a pair of boot cut jeans with black shoes and my white Jackie O‘s. Moi really enjoyed the evening, and especially loved the surprise I received in the heart of this particular downtown. There on the opera square was an enormous pair of white Jackie O’s created out of white roses intertwined around hundreds of pearl white balloons. The display must have been 24 feet X 24 Feet! And there were people handing out pairs of white Jackie O’s and chanting those ever so familiar words…DIVINE MAN! DIVINE MAN! DIVINE MAN!
Just ask yourself “what more do you need in life, other then white Jackie O’s, a pair of blue pumps, and a stylish Mirken? Remember YOU are DIVINE!
Welcome to the kitchen of Divine Man!
Moi loves to whip up some fun and spice in the kitchen. I enjoy preparing seafood, chicken, pasta, sauces, unique salads, steaks and my ultimate favorite: SOUP! I so enjoy making good, creamy, rich soup. Most my what I prepare in my kitchen is created from my divine brain. No recipes. Ever!
Like today I felt the desire for a rich creamy soup with potatoes, onions, garden fresh green peas, thick cuts of bacon, heavy cream, veggie stock, cream cheese, chives, basil, garlic, peppercorn, and a spoonful of love!
Depending on how much you want to prepare will determine the amount of each ingredient.
I always cook way to much, growing up in an Italian and German household there was always enough food for the neighborhood! My love for creating new dishes and meals started when I moved away from “home” and lived my best pal Brady. When I cook soup for example I just look at what I have to work with.
Leftovers are always a good start. What is in the cupboards, or in the freezer.
I call today’s soup: Divine Potato Cream!
A few others I enjoy making for special requests are:
Lasagna Delight Stew
Taco Tuesday
Cheesy Seafood Chowder
Delectable Chicken Divine
Pizzasoupa
And many more. If you would like to share your soup ideas, please do, as well as general recipes for a Divine Cookbook online! Or if you would like more of Moi’s email me at:
man.divine@yahoo.com
The sun is shining, the sand is white, the sky is cloudless blue, and Moi has never looked more divine then when laying on the beach making my already tanned skin darker. This really is paradise. Clearwater Beach, Florida and it is 85 degrees, a slight breeze, beautiful people walking along the gulf waters, Brady is soaking up the rays while Moi is glistening with beads of perspiration and olive oil.
Moi is starting to think that the F.O.Y. is not really a liquid after all, but maybe it is a place where the weather, the people and ones emotional well being is in perfect harmony. Where one can call the environment they are in a: Utopia. After being in Florida for a week taking in the sun, breathing in the salty air, signing autographs, posing for pictures, and discovering a new reason every single day for living.
While on the beach Moi apparently captured the attention of a tourist, because everywhere Moi was or went all week there he was. He was a man of the ripened age of 57, he proudly carried his beer keg that protruded out a bit(he looked pregnant like) had short dark hair, his skin was the most stunning tan Moi could only dream of achieving and he wore blue flip flops with and red, white and blue Speedo which Moi could only see sneaking out from under his keg(belly). I truly am the lucky one. I always seem to attract only the best and most desired.
So what really is the recipe for attracting someone? When you figure it out…please let Moi know!
So paradise is real, it is wherever you might be with the sun shining. Such as: in a basement with the bright sun shining in the windows, or on a picnic on a sunny afternoon with your favorite person and a lovely spread, or going to Rocky Rococo’s with your most honored friend and Mother like Tulips and Moi every December late at night. See, so paradise is really wherever you make it.
Moi has come along way in life, and has met a lot of different people. All of which have touched my heart, my life and my soul.
Paradise is all around us, you just have to recognize it!
As the red limo of perfection continues onward toward paradise in a mad mission to get to the F.O.Y. and drink a gallon of that youthful spring water that will forever keep Moi perfect and youthful! Moi is looking out at the BIG city of Atlanta and enjoying my Cracker Barrel to go when Moi’s cell rings.
I feel the need to back the bus up(so to speak) prior to heading out on the road to the location of the F.O.Y.
I had an appointment with Doctor Feel Good for some discomfort I was experiencing. After arriving at the clinic Moi waits about 15 minutes then the cranky Nurse comes to collect my luscious booty…
After the usual workup I proceed to the blood bank and let them suck the blood from Moi’s left arm. I tell the intern who has never ever taken blood before(OMG! Of all the people in the world I would end up with…a freaking intern) and there is nothing more exciting then seeing your very existence in a test tube. The intern proceeds to tell Moi that the results will be done in a day or 4. I am thinking “Moi has to wait 4 days, 4 whole days?”
So the next few days are filled thankfully with other exciting things like receiving that cryptic message and being locked in that Tennessee bathroom with Bubba, Billy and Benny! Moi and Brady are coasting along the Georgia highways and my cell rings. I answer the phone and say “Hello Howie’s House Of Pleasure-How may I service you? JK! I just simply say…Hellloooo?
Hi, this is Doctor Feel Good! Oh, so nice of you to call Moi finally after what seems like weeks…can you imagine how nervous I have been? How many martini’s I have had, not to mention the happy pills I have ate for breakfast. Can you even begin to comprehend what I am going through? Huh? Can you? Well I will tell you. Do you know what it is like riding in a limo across half the country and have the diarrhea? Always having to pull over, sometimes even being locked in a bathroom with mountain men, and no toilet paper?
Doctor Feel Good expresses an apology and finally begins to tell Moi what I have been just waiting to hear(just barely hanging on, JK) and that’s when DFG delivers the news, it is the moment of truth…Divine Man, you have 22 Hemorrhoids! Can you believe this shit? No pun intended Divine Man.
Moi just sits there(thinking about my poor perfect booty) and says aloud “as if having 3 nuts and a 3rd tata were not enough, now I have 22 Hemorrhoids. Is that even possible?” DFG tells Moi that for the next 3 months I will have to sleep on my flat stomach so that there is no added pressure, and Moi has to stay away from cold surfaces and sudden movements. Guess there won’t be any sex anytime soon! Just thinking about that gorgeous flesh walking around in Paradise and Moi can’t have it!
Paradise here I come!
I guess all good things and bad come is 3’s…but 22? Enjoy your weekend my peoples! And remember, stay away from cold surfaces! I am sure cold surfaces don't even exist in Paradise!
While on the road recently I have had the fortunate opportunity to meet a lot of different people each with their own values, opinions, morals, and the right to vote. Moi normally stays away from political debates and discussions about who did what and did nothing and who is responsible for this great recession.
I have sat quietly on the side lines listening to the slander, the ridiculous bashing of each candidate, bringing up bad judgment from 20-30 years ago when a candidate was 14, as an example. Or each candidate slinging mud at the other and pointing out what the other WILL not do. My question is: What will each of these people try to do for Moi? And for the rest of the American public.
The biggest question I have is: Why are Americans blaming the current President for the recession and the awful economy? Did he cause the recession? Did he ignore the country for years? What really has the current President done that is so bad? Kinda funny how so many people blame him for everything. People expect him to clean up the mess that someone else created, and to do it over night. As If!
Whether it is Obama or if it would have been McCain the blame is being misdirected. Moi does not blame the current President for the state the country is in. When in fact I have reason to be angry, depressed, frustrated and mad. But Moi knows that the person or persons that ignored us, ruined the economy, well let’s just say this…they are no longer in the house.
As perfect and wise as Moi is, I would never want to be President. Just imagine the stress, pressure and day to day battles that he has to fight. Imagine how you might feel knowing that the masses are disgusted with you for all the wrong reasons. And no matter what you try and do to fix the issues and the loss of jobs, the closing of businesses, foreclosures, healthcare(don’t even get me started on this) and falling so deep into debt and depression that all you can think about is ending it all. Can you imagine being the spokesperson for the people with all this overwhelming pressure?
Moi truly feels that the blame has got to end. That expecting on person to make miracles happen over night is not going to happen. It took 8 years to get to this place, it will take longer to rebuild our country. What we are feeling is the after effects of a disaster just like it is when a natural disaster occurs. We have to all work together to rebuild, start anew, breath new life, create new futures.
But nothing good can happen with all the negative slinging, bashing and conflict or misdirected blame. It is time America grew up! Moi is so glad that the elections are over, now I can watch my soaps without interruptions and won't have to turn on the boob tube only to hear all that mudd slinging crap! Oh wait, Elizabeth will still have her mouth flapping on The View!
People need to take a good long hard look into the mirror(almost as much as Moi does) and realize no one person is perfect.
So “Triple B’s” however will we get out of here? I noticed that after the masses got my autograph that they filtered out. Which means we are all alone here and the only other person on the outside in my trusted friend Brady, however that does not make me feel any better. Because he is probably napping in my red limo. So what shall we do?
Benny speaks up and shares his thoughts with us: Well, I reckon we’s a should bang on the door and hollar “ Help us, help us ,help us!” Well, I being the intelligent MacGyver like person Moi is notices that there is a window that has been painted over. So I go into the stall and dismantle the toilet paper dispenser and take the metal flap from the roll and ask ever so nicely “ Triple B’s can you all left me up so I can scrap the letters S.O.S. onto the painted window and if that does not work we can try and find something to pry the window open with or if we have to…break it. Bubba and Benny lift Moi up wile Benny stands in the corner giggling with his hands in his pockets doing god only knows what! I scratch the letters S.O.S. on the window.
We wait for what seems like hours and finally Brady apparently has woken up from his long winters nap and bangs on the outside of the door and yells for Moi. I tell him we are locked in and we need help, because the hour glass is almost empty! Which means we are running out of air…stinky as it is, air none the less. He tries to jimmy the lock to no avail and goes searching for something to break the door in with. While he is doing that I am wiping beads of perspiration from my lovely brow and express my desire to break the dam window and have someone climb out and call 911 or the Mountain Rangers. So Benny breaks the window with his big thick head! Seeing as how I am the smallest and thinnest I am lifted up and begin to climb out the window and very so carefully dandle my gorgeous body from the broken window and jump to my freedom!
Needless to say, the Rangers were called and they got the “Triple B’s” out and I signed my autograph on each of there bellies! And thanked them for their hospitality in the crapper!
No matter where you find yourself in life, you are never alone. Just think, it can be always be worse. You could end up locked in a restroom with no toilet paper!
On our journey we decide to exit the road for Moi, at a welcome center/wayside so I could powder my nose and stretch my newly sculpted legs and sign autographs(all it takes is one person to yell out: DIVINE MAN!) oh yes, and Brady felt inspired to try some Chew, being in the mountains and all! So after all the autographs and pictures taken of Moi(actually it turns out the people really wanted a picture of the statue behind Moi-but thought “why not get 2 for one!) Moi makes a bee line for the powder room. Moi’s bladder is full from the diet cokes from the “Golden Arches” and opens the door to the restroom. Immediately my gorgeous nostrils are engulfed with this burning horrendous stench of decaying road kill and cow patti’s! I ever so quickly cover my nose and slowly walk into the restroom and as I do the door behind Moi closes hard and makes an odd noise as it makes contact with the latch. Just then the lights flicker and I notice that I am not alone! As the lights flicker and buzz I see a man off to the right who seems to be enjoying relieving himself a bit to much. In the other direction are 3 stall doors, the first on is open so Moi dashes for the stall with my left hand over my nose and claiming sanctuary.
I lock myself in the stall and think “ for the love of god! What and the hell am I suppose to do now?” As I sit there with no cell phone, no pepper spray, and no nail file for protection I begin to hear this soft moaning coming from somewhere on the other side of my stall. As you can imagine I am just beside myself with shock and horror at the thought of what will happen to someone as gorgeous and innocent as Moi in a Tennessee mountain wayside restroom with strange men? *remember Deliverance*
The moaning escalates and then stops with a slow faint sign of …well…I guess relief? At this point the lights have stopped flickering and are now completely off. All is quiet so I think “Divine Man does not hide in a stall” so I unlock the door and let me eyes adjust to the darkness, and think “golly gee it sure is dark.” I begin to fumble with my hands trying to feel for the door and feel something soft, bouncy, kinda firm in certain spots and then realize I am touching the rather large, wide, tall, and flannel covered belly of a large lumberjack or mountain man. So I tickle him and he lets out a giggle and begs me to stop, but I can not! I do stop and ask him what his name is. He replies with “my names here is Bubba, and this here is my brother Benny and over yonder is my sonny Billy” We’s a reckon your name dem dere is Angel Of The Mountain! A pretty little thing such as yerself! I of course am flattered at the compliment regardless of the dire situation I find myself in. I always take time for a compliment from someone, even if his name is Bubba!
So Brady and Moi are driving through Illinois, paying the tolls and listening to Cher, Bette Midler, and Kenny Rodgers blaring from the audio system in the red limo. All is right with the world as we drive along this unknown path that we have embarked upon.
A little known fact about Moi’s travels, anytime I indulge myself with a vacation or holiday something life changing and/or altering happens to Moi. So we shall see what unfolds…
Brady decided to take HWY 51(thinking it would be quicker) guess he wanted the scenic route?
Not really sure what the hell he was thinking? Have you ever been through Illinois? Well I have twice! “Picture It” It is Fall 2010, the leaves are changing colors, falling lazily to the ground and the air is crisp and aromatic with the smell of cow crap and the sheer boredom of driving and stopping in each little non incorporated town that we seemed to pass through. It was like someone that is attempting to learn to drive a stick shift for the first time. Start, stop, start, and stop which continued which seemed like for days(a few hours) and as we approached the end of Illinois I was feeling a bit stressed, constipated(from the sitting) hemorrhoid irritation, and at a place of mental discomfort. I was not sure if I wanted to cry or just laugh uncontrollably. Thank the heavens we are finally past all that flat land and we are approaching Kentucky, the home of The Kentucky Derby(all those cute little men) Fried Chicken…do you know that there places to eat fried chicken on every corner? Such as: Chick Fil A, The Winners, KFC, Church’s Chix, Popeye’s and a few others. Tell me how many ways can one really fry chicken? It is also known for Bluegrass, and the fact that hunka hunk of burning flesh George Clooney was born there.
Kentucky was a very enjoyable ride for us…it was short.
Before we knew it, Brady was pulling into the exciting state of Tennessee, where country songs are created by women with very large breasts(Dolly Parton) men with achy breaky hearts, and 3 cigarettes in an ash tray! The day was long and we was approaching dusk as the fabulous red limo entered Nashville! I was of course admiring all the sights and sounds of this very BIG city from the back seat of my ride. I thought at this time it would be appropriate for a change of clothing. So I pulled out my red stetson, red boots and my skin tight black Wranglers and black t-shirt…oh and my red bandanna.
We made our way to our hotel, and of course yet again I was bombarded with fans, screaming, shouting my name, pulling on my shirt, one gal even tried tweaking my right nipple! As if! I guess everyone knows of me because of my white Jackie-O’s. I really do love my fans!
The next day in Tennessee would be like nothing Moi has ever experienced!
Stay tuned…
My absence has been felt deeply across the globe leaving each of you with a sad lonely and dire void of emptiness. I know, I know, because I have felt it as well, while my dear friend Brady has been driving Moi from the Midwest to the lovely paradise of Clearwater, Florida.
And I have to interject here…been biting my teeth way to long! What is all this excitement about Oprah and her BFF’s BIG Adventure? Move over Oprah and Gayle! Divine Man and Brady are in the House!About a week ago I received a cryptic message(which I thought was a prank) as to the location of the F.O.Y.
The message read as follows: GO SOUTH ON THE TATTERED WINGS OF A RAVEN, WHEN YOU COME TO THE HOLLOW PALM SEEK THE SHADOW OF THE SUN AT THE SETTING HOUR DUE WEST.
So Moi made the necessary arrangements, instructed Brady of the message and where we had to travel. Do you know how pissed off the US Postal system gets when there has to be a HOLD put on fan mail? Well they get postal! After doing that, Moi called Tulips and Big Daddy to make arrangements for Diva Girl to stay with them while I am away. Of course Tulips was rather busy with Lucinda and her rather large ass and all her drama, so Diva Girl would have to spend her days with Big Daddy and his hounds “ Jerry and Leon.”
Now, whenever Diva Girl stays with family she comes with “special instructions” such as: She does not like the sun blinding her early in the morning, requires that you fluff her bedding and make sure her perfectly alabaster white fur and dark chocolate/liver spots are covered with her chenille blanket every evening, and that when you prepare her meals you serve her meals to her on china and she likes to drink water from her crystal dish that is embellished with diamonds spelling out her name…DIVA GIRL.
Moi of course has to make sure to have the proper couture for such a voyage of great proportions! So I decided to go with 7 pairs of Jackie-O’s, each in a different color to match each of my outfits and flip flops. Along with my flowing red robe with my feather boas, crystal wine/champagne flutes to drink from when I feel parched. Moi even decided to pack the new Speedo Maxima 2011 “Special Edition” Beach Thong which is metallic torch red! Oh yes, and my Olive Oil enhanced Tanning Lotion!
Brady arrives with his 2 duffle bags, brown paper sack with his whiskey and wine (that has seen better days) and his crocs! Moi however is all ready with my 5 piece Prada set, 12 pairs of designer flips flops, mini bar, traveling makeup counter, and my portable pedicure tub, oh and 2 queens and a hot comb!
To Be Continued...
