Divine Man has a serious side to him. Shocking I know. But Moi does.
In fact I have a few serious sides to me. I normally try not to share my gloom and doom except for my Depression working for an “Au Natural Salon.”
I am a survivor of child sexual abuse and whenever I can share my story of survival in the hopes of helping someone else survive it helps me as well. I was 4 or 5 when it first happened. It was Christmas and what a joyful holiday it was. All was right, I was a happy young boy or at least I think I was? Thanks to the child molester I can not remember my youth much. Or who I was before that night.
It happened more then once, as if the first night of abuse wasn’t enough for this sick SOB he did it again in the summer. My memory of those events and my childhood were locked in a vault of sorts. I had no memory of my youth from that point on. My youth was over. I became withdrawn from society, school, life. Over the years I began to hate life, not really knowing why?
At this point I am in High School and I have been ridiculed, treated like shit. Kids are cruel, insensitive, down right mean. And then people wonder why kids bring guns to school? I do not agree with it, but people, teachers and parents need to open their ears.
I went through hell. I did not feel I could be honest with my parents with what I started to remember. You see I started having dreams, which turned into nightmares. And bit by bit I remembered all the details. Those events changed me forever and I sought out therapy on my own when I was 16. My Art teacher was the one that spoke with me about my mood swings, she cared, she loved me enough to help me. Her grandson was molested and she knew the signs and symptoms of child abuse. It was her that recommended a center to me.
And so I went to therapy on my own. Afraid of the rejection I would get from my parents, I thought if my Mother did not believe me that would kill me. You see, it was her Godson that molested me. And that part of the family was always looked upon as gold. I was terrified of seeing the look of disgust, anger, disbelief, and rejection on Tulips face and in her eyes. She was and is my world. That would have killed moi.
After a lot of therapy, and growing I began to regain a few memories. I started to heal piece by piece and one day at a time. It was a long process, but I finally was able to live for the first time. Or so I thought. But that is another story.
Parents, siblings, Relatives, Grams and Grandpas, please be aware of the signs and symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse and Assault. PLEASE.
Because I do not want this sick sadistic crime to happen to your child, friend, loved one. Somehow we have to find a way to end the nightmare. Breaking the silence and the pattern is the beginning.
Just remember, you are Divine and you are worth any pain or sorrow life throws into your path. Know this: What hurts us, makes us stronger.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Big Balls
What started out as a just another Sunday for Moi, with the usual routine in the morning. First I slowly awake and fluttering each eye ever so delicately so as not to overwhelm my baby blues with the bright morning sun. I then ever so gently lower my pedicured feet and step into my gemstone embossed red slippers and gather up my long flowing red robe, feathers and all.
I am sitting in my living room, comfy on my chaise lounge admiring my stunning profile in the mirror I so strategically placed opposite the chaise lounge. As I lay there looking Divine and enjoying my Mimosa from the freshly squeezed blood oranges I special ordered for just a morning like this. The phone rings, it is my Mother- Tulips! She tells me that Big Daddy is out for the day and that I should come over for drinks and a lite brunch around 11:00 a.m. and that we will conclude with a stroll.
Tulips, my Mother is a brunette with a striking white streak at her front hairline, with fair skin, not a line on her face and sparkly blue eyes! She is a saintly simple woman with a great amount of love, respect and dignity about her. However, she also has a wild fun streak in her as well. We enjoy a lovely brunch and a few sloe gin fizzes, which are rather refreshing on a nice warm fall day. And they kind of make you a bit fizzy/buzzed. Tulips tells me about her friend Lucinda whom is a bit of a trollop at times. Long legs, perky tatas, flaming red hair(dyed) and a bit of a wide ass! Anyways it seems she has gotten herself in a bit of a situation. She went out on one of her binges and now has a tattoo of some guys penis on her backside that reads “Lil D”
And can not remember whose “Lil D” it is.
We decide to go for our stroll, the sun is shining and the birds are chirping with excitement. As we walk along, looking fabulous of course, I notice there is some noise ahead and it seems to be coming from the bushes on the right. It is the sound of rustling leaves, twitching branches and as we approach closer there seems to be some ever so soft moaning of sorts. I quickly glance at Mother and she moves in closer to hear. The moaning gets louder and more rapid. In a fast second a man emerges from the bushes, the sun light spraying rays of light all around him, as our eyes begin to focus on his face, bare shoulders, arms and chest. And what a sexy, defined, hairy chest is it. His eyes meet ours and stands there almost in shock, as Tulips and I stare back at the naked man. Our eyes begin to lower to his broad muscular mid torso and then I do a double take and pat my mother on the arm and say “Ma, have you ever seen such enormous balls on a human man before? Tulips replies with “they are so BIG, I mean my god, no wonder the poor man was moaning, can you imagine walking around with those things, day after day? I wonder if he has bad chafing? Mother, I say “they are freaking huge-bigger then grapefruits” Mother adds “They are like coconuts…dam I wish I liked coconuts! Hell they are melons….and you know how much I love sucking on melons!
And within a flash, a streak, the sexy man with the massive balls(and a bit hairy might I add) took off in a sprint and we noticed there was something written across his bare backside…it read “1 800 big balls”
If you ever find yourself looking face to balls with a man of such massive proportions just remember…be Divine and think “what would Divine Man and Tulips do?”
Feel free to share my blog with others, make someone else’s day Divine! Leave a comment, and become a Follower.
I am sitting in my living room, comfy on my chaise lounge admiring my stunning profile in the mirror I so strategically placed opposite the chaise lounge. As I lay there looking Divine and enjoying my Mimosa from the freshly squeezed blood oranges I special ordered for just a morning like this. The phone rings, it is my Mother- Tulips! She tells me that Big Daddy is out for the day and that I should come over for drinks and a lite brunch around 11:00 a.m. and that we will conclude with a stroll.
Tulips, my Mother is a brunette with a striking white streak at her front hairline, with fair skin, not a line on her face and sparkly blue eyes! She is a saintly simple woman with a great amount of love, respect and dignity about her. However, she also has a wild fun streak in her as well. We enjoy a lovely brunch and a few sloe gin fizzes, which are rather refreshing on a nice warm fall day. And they kind of make you a bit fizzy/buzzed. Tulips tells me about her friend Lucinda whom is a bit of a trollop at times. Long legs, perky tatas, flaming red hair(dyed) and a bit of a wide ass! Anyways it seems she has gotten herself in a bit of a situation. She went out on one of her binges and now has a tattoo of some guys penis on her backside that reads “Lil D”
And can not remember whose “Lil D” it is.
We decide to go for our stroll, the sun is shining and the birds are chirping with excitement. As we walk along, looking fabulous of course, I notice there is some noise ahead and it seems to be coming from the bushes on the right. It is the sound of rustling leaves, twitching branches and as we approach closer there seems to be some ever so soft moaning of sorts. I quickly glance at Mother and she moves in closer to hear. The moaning gets louder and more rapid. In a fast second a man emerges from the bushes, the sun light spraying rays of light all around him, as our eyes begin to focus on his face, bare shoulders, arms and chest. And what a sexy, defined, hairy chest is it. His eyes meet ours and stands there almost in shock, as Tulips and I stare back at the naked man. Our eyes begin to lower to his broad muscular mid torso and then I do a double take and pat my mother on the arm and say “Ma, have you ever seen such enormous balls on a human man before? Tulips replies with “they are so BIG, I mean my god, no wonder the poor man was moaning, can you imagine walking around with those things, day after day? I wonder if he has bad chafing? Mother, I say “they are freaking huge-bigger then grapefruits” Mother adds “They are like coconuts…dam I wish I liked coconuts! Hell they are melons….and you know how much I love sucking on melons!
And within a flash, a streak, the sexy man with the massive balls(and a bit hairy might I add) took off in a sprint and we noticed there was something written across his bare backside…it read “1 800 big balls”
If you ever find yourself looking face to balls with a man of such massive proportions just remember…be Divine and think “what would Divine Man and Tulips do?”
Feel free to share my blog with others, make someone else’s day Divine! Leave a comment, and become a Follower.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
A Friday Night
There is nothing more refreshing then a crispy chilly evening that blows in your open bedroom window, exposing just a bit of the freshness from the outdoors(unless you live on or by a pig farm) and creating the best cuddling sessions! Last evening I did just that, I snuggled with my body pillow and Diva Girl. We watched the new Robin Hood starring Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett. The best scenes were of course when Robin Hood was exposing his very nice bare chest! Or when Lady Marian was fighting off her would be rapist and stabbing him in the neck.
All in all it was a good re-telling of the legendary Robin Hood.
As Moi snuggled up for the chilly evening, glass of Cognac on the bedside table, candles flickering, Diva Girl curled up in a ball at the foot end of my lovely queenly bed, I got thinking…
Why am I, Divine Man at home on a Friday night? And now that the movie is over what am I ever going to do to entertain myself? I could paint my toenails? Do some assercises? To bad I don’t a big strong man rubbing oil all over my perfect body and massaging Moi into a slumber of peacefulness. But I don’t I have a strong man. No, I am rather tired from my last voyage to find the Fountain Of Youth a.k.a. FOY
I decide to work on a few new designs. Most people do not know what I do in life, other then be Divine! Well I will tell you. I am an Event Manager. I design, create and enhance special events. I have done a large number of weddings: hair, makeup, florals, décor, dress design, and venue planning. Special Events for non-profits, for profits, Cities, Dinner Parties, I market, advertise, sell, and create the buzz!
One of my favorite events that I produce is: Pumpkins At Twilight! It is a masquerade full of spooky libations, delectable horrific edible samplings of pure pleasure, mood lighting, a theme, entertainment, activities, and a silent auction. Last years theme was “An Evening with Tony and Oscar.” A Night of Broadway at the Movies!Each room in my palace was decorated to represent favorite movies and musicals of Moi’s. I turned the dining room into Sherwood Forest with a canopy of trees and leaves that blanketed the ceiling and walls, perfect for Robin and his Merry Men. The feast was staged! The living room was turned into the Phantom’s Lair, with gold fabrics and rich undertones of black draped and golden trees, candles flickering and fog engulfing the floors. The foyer was an enchanted forest fit to scare anyone seeking out The Castle Of The Wicked Witch Of The West. The bar room was the perfect place for all the Pirates, Damsels In Distress, and dead Captains to enjoy their favorite elixirs.
When Moi plans a party or event, everything is planned to the last smallest detail.
This year however I am looking to attend other soirees. So if anyone has a party that needs Divine Man’s attention or a guest appearance by Moi….
Halloween is the perfect night to raise the dead, and I do mean the dead!(ladies and gents, you know what I mean!)
As always, go out and find your own Divine Self!
All in all it was a good re-telling of the legendary Robin Hood.
As Moi snuggled up for the chilly evening, glass of Cognac on the bedside table, candles flickering, Diva Girl curled up in a ball at the foot end of my lovely queenly bed, I got thinking…
Why am I, Divine Man at home on a Friday night? And now that the movie is over what am I ever going to do to entertain myself? I could paint my toenails? Do some assercises? To bad I don’t a big strong man rubbing oil all over my perfect body and massaging Moi into a slumber of peacefulness. But I don’t I have a strong man. No, I am rather tired from my last voyage to find the Fountain Of Youth a.k.a. FOY
I decide to work on a few new designs. Most people do not know what I do in life, other then be Divine! Well I will tell you. I am an Event Manager. I design, create and enhance special events. I have done a large number of weddings: hair, makeup, florals, décor, dress design, and venue planning. Special Events for non-profits, for profits, Cities, Dinner Parties, I market, advertise, sell, and create the buzz!
One of my favorite events that I produce is: Pumpkins At Twilight! It is a masquerade full of spooky libations, delectable horrific edible samplings of pure pleasure, mood lighting, a theme, entertainment, activities, and a silent auction. Last years theme was “An Evening with Tony and Oscar.” A Night of Broadway at the Movies!Each room in my palace was decorated to represent favorite movies and musicals of Moi’s. I turned the dining room into Sherwood Forest with a canopy of trees and leaves that blanketed the ceiling and walls, perfect for Robin and his Merry Men. The feast was staged! The living room was turned into the Phantom’s Lair, with gold fabrics and rich undertones of black draped and golden trees, candles flickering and fog engulfing the floors. The foyer was an enchanted forest fit to scare anyone seeking out The Castle Of The Wicked Witch Of The West. The bar room was the perfect place for all the Pirates, Damsels In Distress, and dead Captains to enjoy their favorite elixirs.
When Moi plans a party or event, everything is planned to the last smallest detail.
This year however I am looking to attend other soirees. So if anyone has a party that needs Divine Man’s attention or a guest appearance by Moi….
Halloween is the perfect night to raise the dead, and I do mean the dead!(ladies and gents, you know what I mean!)
As always, go out and find your own Divine Self!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
An Anchor Full Of Juice
Every Fall I venture out along the bi-ways, hi-ways, bi-guys and back country roads seeking out fall color foliage and frolicking.
So, that is exactly what I am doing this week. I had gotten a tip that I might find the Fountain Of Youth in yet again Wisconsin(man those WI Folk must need a lot of help with aging) of all places. I started out my Fall Color Exploratory Drive early Tuesday morning. I had packed all the important items: A hot comb, my handmade cheese cloth g-strings(it lets you breathe) walking stick, wine glasses, a carafe or Divine Wine(Dad’s Homemade wine) jeans, sequined flannel shirts, and of course my white Jackie-o’s and red boa.
I decided to drive the newest toy, my candy apple red Cadillac called “Flame.” I drove what seemed like forever with absolutely…speaking of Absolute, at this point in the trip I was starting to feel for a Martini! But I continued on my journey when I came to a fork in the road. No really there was a fork and a knife both of which were stuck in(what was left of) the carcass of a Badger. Apparently, some wild backwoods men must have gotten their fill of ole’ badger?
Now as you can imagine I thought “Moi has never had a Badger Fur?” I am thinking a Muff for the Fall.
I make my way along and finally decide to stop for the day, and give my perfectly shaped booty a rest. As you can imagine after being in a car for 5 hours with no assercises it is so flat, one could serve tea and crumpets on it!
I pull in to a local hotel in Superior, WI. The weather is perfect, and there is a lounge inside calling for me to come and order a Cosmopolitan. So I do.
I eventually make my way to my room with the help of the Concierge. Which now that I am thinking about it, I think he was a missionary from the local Salvation Army? After 3 Cosmos my perception is a bit fuzzy! I mean both men in each role would be wearing a special suit, right? Anyways, he was really wonderful to carry my red luggage and moi into the room and fluff my…
The next day I started my exploration of the city and was craving a big… juicy… moist…and greasy burger and fries accompanied by a libation. I thought I better butch it up in these there parts! Or the locals might get the wrong idea(remember Deliverance). So I saunter into an establishment called The Anchor Bar on Tower Ave in Superior, WI. I was stopped in my tracks by what I was taking all in around me. Immediately to my right is a corner nook, with a table and chairs that is two steps up surrounded by books, board games, and nautical memorabilia from floor to ceiling and on the ceiling. There is a bar to my left and the bar wench is rather happy looking, and plump! As I gaze out into the establishment and walk around looking at all the nautical ware I am just so amazed at each detailed piece of history. The place is packed with people and everyone seems to be enjoying their food and conversations.
I sit down in the nook in the front that is referred to as “The Library.” The bar wench greets me and asks” what’ll it be bud?” I reply with “bud did you say?” why yes I think I did bud, she says. So I ordered a Sapphire Bombay and tonic with a twist of lemon. Not exactly the proper choice I guess when having a burger, so I decide to have a brew instead. I order a pale ale.
The Anchor Bar
As my basket of food came to my table I was immersed with such a tantalizing aroma that flooded “The Library” almost in a slow sexy tango kind of way. I reached down for my juicy hamburger and as I picked it up I could see all the juices and drippings trickle down to my basket(not my basket, but the bar’s basket-perverts) and I knew this was going to be climatic! It is piled high and thick with mushrooms, swiss cheese, and raw onions! I squirted on the “fancy ketchup.” I always ask “what makes ketchup so dam fancy?” I mean it is not like there is any bling on the dam bottle? As my perky perfect lips grows closer to the delectable burger I pause and quickly look around to see if anyone is watching me. I dive right into the burger. OMG what a freakin fantastic explosion of flavor, grease and total ecstasy all coming from a bun no less! Why do all the good things in life come with a bun? And what a soft bun it was!
I highly recommend you making it a point of destination if you are ever in Superior, WI. 413 Tower Ave. 715.394.9747
And if I have not told you lately, take the time to discover your own Divine Self.
So, that is exactly what I am doing this week. I had gotten a tip that I might find the Fountain Of Youth in yet again Wisconsin(man those WI Folk must need a lot of help with aging) of all places. I started out my Fall Color Exploratory Drive early Tuesday morning. I had packed all the important items: A hot comb, my handmade cheese cloth g-strings(it lets you breathe) walking stick, wine glasses, a carafe or Divine Wine(Dad’s Homemade wine) jeans, sequined flannel shirts, and of course my white Jackie-o’s and red boa.
I decided to drive the newest toy, my candy apple red Cadillac called “Flame.” I drove what seemed like forever with absolutely…speaking of Absolute, at this point in the trip I was starting to feel for a Martini! But I continued on my journey when I came to a fork in the road. No really there was a fork and a knife both of which were stuck in(what was left of) the carcass of a Badger. Apparently, some wild backwoods men must have gotten their fill of ole’ badger?
Now as you can imagine I thought “Moi has never had a Badger Fur?” I am thinking a Muff for the Fall.
I make my way along and finally decide to stop for the day, and give my perfectly shaped booty a rest. As you can imagine after being in a car for 5 hours with no assercises it is so flat, one could serve tea and crumpets on it!
I pull in to a local hotel in Superior, WI. The weather is perfect, and there is a lounge inside calling for me to come and order a Cosmopolitan. So I do.
I eventually make my way to my room with the help of the Concierge. Which now that I am thinking about it, I think he was a missionary from the local Salvation Army? After 3 Cosmos my perception is a bit fuzzy! I mean both men in each role would be wearing a special suit, right? Anyways, he was really wonderful to carry my red luggage and moi into the room and fluff my…
The next day I started my exploration of the city and was craving a big… juicy… moist…and greasy burger and fries accompanied by a libation. I thought I better butch it up in these there parts! Or the locals might get the wrong idea(remember Deliverance). So I saunter into an establishment called The Anchor Bar on Tower Ave in Superior, WI. I was stopped in my tracks by what I was taking all in around me. Immediately to my right is a corner nook, with a table and chairs that is two steps up surrounded by books, board games, and nautical memorabilia from floor to ceiling and on the ceiling. There is a bar to my left and the bar wench is rather happy looking, and plump! As I gaze out into the establishment and walk around looking at all the nautical ware I am just so amazed at each detailed piece of history. The place is packed with people and everyone seems to be enjoying their food and conversations.
I sit down in the nook in the front that is referred to as “The Library.” The bar wench greets me and asks” what’ll it be bud?” I reply with “bud did you say?” why yes I think I did bud, she says. So I ordered a Sapphire Bombay and tonic with a twist of lemon. Not exactly the proper choice I guess when having a burger, so I decide to have a brew instead. I order a pale ale.
The Anchor Bar
As my basket of food came to my table I was immersed with such a tantalizing aroma that flooded “The Library” almost in a slow sexy tango kind of way. I reached down for my juicy hamburger and as I picked it up I could see all the juices and drippings trickle down to my basket(not my basket, but the bar’s basket-perverts) and I knew this was going to be climatic! It is piled high and thick with mushrooms, swiss cheese, and raw onions! I squirted on the “fancy ketchup.” I always ask “what makes ketchup so dam fancy?” I mean it is not like there is any bling on the dam bottle? As my perky perfect lips grows closer to the delectable burger I pause and quickly look around to see if anyone is watching me. I dive right into the burger. OMG what a freakin fantastic explosion of flavor, grease and total ecstasy all coming from a bun no less! Why do all the good things in life come with a bun? And what a soft bun it was!
I highly recommend you making it a point of destination if you are ever in Superior, WI. 413 Tower Ave. 715.394.9747
And if I have not told you lately, take the time to discover your own Divine Self.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Ghost
As you can imagine, when I celebrate a holiday I generally am over the top with décor and all the little details. One of my favorite holidays is: All Hallows Eve a.k.a. Halloween! Over the years whenever I have relocated, purchased a house or leased an apartment I look at one very important factor: Will this space be ideal for Halloween? Will this make an ideal Haunted House? Seriously, moi really does ask these questions.
And of course every house moi has lived in has been haunted, for real. Usually all the homes have a spirit, a soul that has not been able to cross over, and there have been houses that have had many spirits. In fact, only moi could own a haunted antique 4 poster bed. Yes, a haunted bed…actually it was the frame itself that had the spirit of an elderly man attached to it, he was always confused and upset as to why his bed was not in his room anymore, so he made my nights restless. I finally had to sell the bed frame.
Remember Divine Man’s haunted tea light candle thingy that blew up?
When my pooch(Diva Girl) and I moved into that historic estate, I knew the house was “haunted” but that did not scare me. The spirits that were attached to the home were not negative entities, but just curious, protective and confused.
One night as moi is getting ready to retire for the evening, preparing for a night of peaceful slumber with a crystal flute filled with bubbly, a side of strawberries to enhance the flavor of the bubbly on my bed side table, my facial mask waiting patiently to be applied to my youthful and flawless skin.
I remove my robe and feather boa, pull back my ever so fluffy down filled satin and silk champagne and pink colored comforter to reveal my pink high thread count sheets, fluff all 6 pillows, close my satin drapes with fringe, dim the chandelier, and light my pink crystal chandelier lamps on each bed side table(they have flicker flame bulbs) and slip into bed and lay my perfectly shaped body and dark locks onto my pillows. Slowly I fall off to sleep…
As I sleep and floating along in my subconscious, I lay there feeling warm, safe, sexy, and my lips are perched awaiting a kiss from my one true love. Question is who the hell is that, and if you see my great love….give em’ my address. Anyways, I sleep and enjoy the feeling of those warm kisses, my body being caressed and stroked, the feeling of those hands touching my burning soft skin, while wrapping my legs around…my freaking pillow!
I awake from the intense feeling that someone is starring at me, I can feel their energy 2 inches from my beautiful face. So I lie there, my heart is beating faster and faster, my eyes are closed for fear of finding a person in my bedroom. My mind is racing with thoughts of panic and so I muster the courage to open one of my baby blues…so I open my left baby blue and to my surprise I find my room completely empty. No one else is there but moi.
I lay awake thinking…did I just make out with a ghost? My lips are moist as is my… well…anyways, I think I have just had a one night stand with a stiff one! Kinda gives a whole new meaning to the image of a “stiff one” eh?
Just my luck, I meet the great love of my life possibly and it’s dead, a spirit, a stiff one, toes up!
Just remember the love of your life does not have to be a stiff one, a ghost(although if he’s anything like Patrick Swazye in Ghost) he or she is out there, go out and find that person, show him or her how divine you are! Just don’t meet in a cemetery!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
An Explosive Conclusion!
Oh course the pressure is building, almost like a volcano slowly bubbling and the pressure popping. I get to the restrooms now in a sprint, and come to discover…
The Gent’s restroom is closed at the moment, due to cleaning. What am I suppose to do now? Moi’s intestines are ready to burst, my cheeks are trying to remain squeezed together, there is beads of perspiration trickling down my temples, my cramps are increasing as I start to bend over in pain. WHAT THE HELL I AM GOING TO DO?! NO RESTROOM, WAIT! NO, I CAN’T…CAN I? I AM DIVINE MAN AFTERALL, AND I CAN DO ANYTHING! With that I ever so quietly(trying to be quiet) look all around and sneak into the Ladies restroom. All is quiet, and I look under the stalls for heels and legs. The coast is clear! I run into the last stall at the far end of the room. I fumble with my pants draw strings, dam…this is not the time for a knot! Just as I lower my tan linen pants…it blows, explosive spasms of never ending pressure! Almost as if I am in labor delivering a 20 lb. turkey! I can only imagine what all you women must feel in that moment of sheer pain! As I take each of my hands and grab onto each of the handicap rails on the walls of the stall…my body starts to shake and rock side to side, thrusting up and down on this cold toilet seat.
One last push, must be careful though. Grams always told me pushing is not good for the heart, kids should never attempt this at home. Finally all is calming down, the pressure is subsiding, and the beads of perspiration are drying. As I wrap things up and open the door I am frozen in shock and all at once not one but 3, 4 no 6 women stand all before me as a loud thunderous round of applause breaks the silence. Smiles and laughter fill the restroom, so I decide to take a bow and ask “is this why you all come in pairs to powder your noses, in case something explosive happens?”
I finally am refreshed, the ladies help fix me all up and once again I can return to the living without cramps and rejoin my mystery date: H. Splatterlidd aka “brownie”. The first course arrives along with our libations. And conversation begins, laughter, personal exchanges, glances at each other, and the spark that is so obviously between us.
The Gent’s restroom is closed at the moment, due to cleaning. What am I suppose to do now? Moi’s intestines are ready to burst, my cheeks are trying to remain squeezed together, there is beads of perspiration trickling down my temples, my cramps are increasing as I start to bend over in pain. WHAT THE HELL I AM GOING TO DO?! NO RESTROOM, WAIT! NO, I CAN’T…CAN I? I AM DIVINE MAN AFTERALL, AND I CAN DO ANYTHING! With that I ever so quietly(trying to be quiet) look all around and sneak into the Ladies restroom. All is quiet, and I look under the stalls for heels and legs. The coast is clear! I run into the last stall at the far end of the room. I fumble with my pants draw strings, dam…this is not the time for a knot! Just as I lower my tan linen pants…it blows, explosive spasms of never ending pressure! Almost as if I am in labor delivering a 20 lb. turkey! I can only imagine what all you women must feel in that moment of sheer pain! As I take each of my hands and grab onto each of the handicap rails on the walls of the stall…my body starts to shake and rock side to side, thrusting up and down on this cold toilet seat.
One last push, must be careful though. Grams always told me pushing is not good for the heart, kids should never attempt this at home. Finally all is calming down, the pressure is subsiding, and the beads of perspiration are drying. As I wrap things up and open the door I am frozen in shock and all at once not one but 3, 4 no 6 women stand all before me as a loud thunderous round of applause breaks the silence. Smiles and laughter fill the restroom, so I decide to take a bow and ask “is this why you all come in pairs to powder your noses, in case something explosive happens?”
I finally am refreshed, the ladies help fix me all up and once again I can return to the living without cramps and rejoin my mystery date: H. Splatterlidd aka “brownie”. The first course arrives along with our libations. And conversation begins, laughter, personal exchanges, glances at each other, and the spark that is so obviously between us.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
An Explosive Date continues...
The call makes the somewhat desired connection and a rather nice calming sexy voice answers with “ Hello, I have been anticipating your call…
Oh really? I ask. And who do you think I am? I could be IRS or KGBY?
Mystery Date replies with: I have caller ID. And Brady gave me your number. Of course now I am thinking “I am gonna hurt Brady” or “hang up right now.” But could it be that moi is overreacting? Close to impossible I know, but ok I will see where this goes. Anyways, Mystery Date asks how I am, some basic details, and then proceeds to tell me what he was planning for our blind date. Now no one or anything really can surprise me, but Mystery Date seems to be trying to do so.
So while I am pampering my Divine self, lathering up in my claw foot tub, caressing my beautifully sculpted physique, tanned skin(thank God for tanning beds) and ocean blue eyes starring at myself in the mirror.
I am arriving at the place of destination for our date. It is a new dining establishment that recently opened and has been given excellent reviews. Oh course the real test is if I, Divine Man likes or dislikes it.
Mystery Date is rather attractive, kissing lips, intense dark eyes, dark brown hair, taller then I, average build/fit, dressed in jeans, black squared dress shoes, sky blue dress shirt and a black canvas/cotton blend sport coat. I have to say Mystery Date is looking good. Moi is wearing Linen, as it is a warm evening, tan linen pants and ivory linen shirt, the top 2 buttons are open, revealing a sneak look at my tanned skin, a simple necklace drawing attention to my bosom, which I have noticed someone’s eyes are undressing me and we have not even ordered dinner.
All is going well, and I am thinking “Wow, this date is really fine to look at, just hope I can get a look at that booty”
and “those lips are so inviting, makes we want to jump across the table and kiss them!”
We place our orders, and that’s when I feel it…the movements, urges and sturrin’s inside my stomach. I think “Oh God, not now” this can not happen now. It’s been 4 days. What the hell? So I decide to slowly caress my stomach thinking that will calm it down. And squeeze my perfectly perky butt cheeks together. And then slowly release. I do 10 reps of this. But all my efforts are no good. I am sitting at the table trying to smile through the wincing. I finally decide to excuse myself from the table and make a shot for the restroom. Oh course the pressure is building, almost
like a volcano slowly bubbling and the pressure popping. I get to the restrooms now in a sprint, and come to discover…to be continued...
Oh really? I ask. And who do you think I am? I could be IRS or KGBY?
Mystery Date replies with: I have caller ID. And Brady gave me your number. Of course now I am thinking “I am gonna hurt Brady” or “hang up right now.” But could it be that moi is overreacting? Close to impossible I know, but ok I will see where this goes. Anyways, Mystery Date asks how I am, some basic details, and then proceeds to tell me what he was planning for our blind date. Now no one or anything really can surprise me, but Mystery Date seems to be trying to do so.
So while I am pampering my Divine self, lathering up in my claw foot tub, caressing my beautifully sculpted physique, tanned skin(thank God for tanning beds) and ocean blue eyes starring at myself in the mirror.
I am arriving at the place of destination for our date. It is a new dining establishment that recently opened and has been given excellent reviews. Oh course the real test is if I, Divine Man likes or dislikes it.
Mystery Date is rather attractive, kissing lips, intense dark eyes, dark brown hair, taller then I, average build/fit, dressed in jeans, black squared dress shoes, sky blue dress shirt and a black canvas/cotton blend sport coat. I have to say Mystery Date is looking good. Moi is wearing Linen, as it is a warm evening, tan linen pants and ivory linen shirt, the top 2 buttons are open, revealing a sneak look at my tanned skin, a simple necklace drawing attention to my bosom, which I have noticed someone’s eyes are undressing me and we have not even ordered dinner.
All is going well, and I am thinking “Wow, this date is really fine to look at, just hope I can get a look at that booty”
and “those lips are so inviting, makes we want to jump across the table and kiss them!”
We place our orders, and that’s when I feel it…the movements, urges and sturrin’s inside my stomach. I think “Oh God, not now” this can not happen now. It’s been 4 days. What the hell? So I decide to slowly caress my stomach thinking that will calm it down. And squeeze my perfectly perky butt cheeks together. And then slowly release. I do 10 reps of this. But all my efforts are no good. I am sitting at the table trying to smile through the wincing. I finally decide to excuse myself from the table and make a shot for the restroom. Oh course the pressure is building, almost
like a volcano slowly bubbling and the pressure popping. I get to the restrooms now in a sprint, and come to discover…to be continued...
Monday, September 13, 2010
An Explosive Date
Have you ever been on a blind date? Has your best friend ever known you well enough not to arrange a blind date for you? Or think that the reason why you look unhappy during lunch at your favorite bistro is because you have been without a date in months? When really in fact the truth is you are just extremely constipated. Haven’t had a good BM in 4 days. The reason your facial expression implies your sadness of the lack of your love life and the “dating pool” is because dating is kind of like being constipated. Nothing happens for days, no dates, no movement, not even a glimmer of those sturrin’s and urges and then out of no where, like a shiny penny glistening in the hot sunlight and that’s when it happens, the moment you have been waiting for. The most intense BM. Kind of like meeting the date of your dreams. Explosive!
So, one of my best friend’s decides to arrange a blind date for moi, as if Divine Man needs assistance in that department. Ok maybe I do just a teeney weeney bit-but only because I spend all my free time entertaining you fine people on this ever so divine blog.
Anyhow, Brady decides to plan the big event…The Blind Date! Now as you know I am currently not in a good way if you know what I mean….remember the 4 day no BM thing? Yeah, that’s right. But I am a good sport and how can I let Brady down? After all he is always encouraging me to date, meet people and enjoy life. So I can see the expression on his face as he hands me a folded piece of rosey pink paper(kind of like the color of the lenses in his bi-focals) as his eyes are all sparkly like a kid on Christmas! I take the paper from his hand and unfold it to find 2 things…a name and a phone number.
As my ever so manicured hands hold the paper and the phone as it is ringing the “mystery date” I take the paper and fold it back up and put it in my knock of Prada man purse and take my right hand and almost cradle my perfectly shaped stomach. Cradling my stomach as if there is a life inside of me…which would explain the twinges and movements.
The call makes the somewhat desired connection and a rather nice calming sexy voice answers with “ Hello, I have been anticipating your call…
So, one of my best friend’s decides to arrange a blind date for moi, as if Divine Man needs assistance in that department. Ok maybe I do just a teeney weeney bit-but only because I spend all my free time entertaining you fine people on this ever so divine blog.
Anyhow, Brady decides to plan the big event…The Blind Date! Now as you know I am currently not in a good way if you know what I mean….remember the 4 day no BM thing? Yeah, that’s right. But I am a good sport and how can I let Brady down? After all he is always encouraging me to date, meet people and enjoy life. So I can see the expression on his face as he hands me a folded piece of rosey pink paper(kind of like the color of the lenses in his bi-focals) as his eyes are all sparkly like a kid on Christmas! I take the paper from his hand and unfold it to find 2 things…a name and a phone number.
As my ever so manicured hands hold the paper and the phone as it is ringing the “mystery date” I take the paper and fold it back up and put it in my knock of Prada man purse and take my right hand and almost cradle my perfectly shaped stomach. Cradling my stomach as if there is a life inside of me…which would explain the twinges and movements.
The call makes the somewhat desired connection and a rather nice calming sexy voice answers with “ Hello, I have been anticipating your call…
Thursday, September 9, 2010
The Deli of Divinity
In the early Spring I was so very fortunate to discover a lovely café in the middle of “Somewhere in Small Town America” while on a mission trip to find the Fountain Of Youth. Not that moi needs help in that department obviously considering my skin is youthful, flawless in fact, glistening and silky smooth(except for the morning after a roll in the hay! HA!) anyways, I was on this mission trip to find the Fountain Of Youth for a dear friend of mine, Brady is his name…he is a tad older then moi, he has a few more ears of corn in his field, has about 5 gray crayolas in his box vs. My 1 gray(or is it platinum) crayola in mine, he has a few lines and some extra bags around his eyes, in fact he has a full baggage set! So now that you got the picture you can understand the urgency for this mission of mine.
So while on the F.O.Y. trip I find myself in Wautoma, Wisconsin, I know you are asking where the hell is that? I know I thought, where am I going to find me someone to park my car, address me as Divine Man, and seat me properly in the middle of no where at a fine dining establishment here? Well I stumbled upon this café called: The Farmer’s Market Deli. It is a cottage country chic inspired deli/café, perfect for breakfast and lunch. Whether you are in the area visiting family, staying at a local cottage/cabin, or on a mission like moi, The Farmer’s Market Deli is perfect. I have been there a number of times since spring(never found the F.O.Y.) and each time I go there for lunch I am always more then surprised by the new sandwich special, the wonderful funny service, and the way the owner(I have named her the Lady Jane Of the Farm Market) welcomes you in with open arms, and always remembers you. As if anyone would or could forget moi?
I was recently there for lunch, and Lady Jane was, like always more then generous to moi and my “mature” pal Brady. The menu is HUGE. Almost overwhelming your first time there! But in a wonderful way! There is salads, sandwiches: hot, grilled or cold. Each day there is house made soups, at least 3 or 4 daily and a deli you can order freshly made salads, dressings(the strawberry vinaigrette is the best) and the most wonderful guacamole that is refreshing, zesty and pleases the palette every time! One time moi and a GF bought 8 pounds of it!
Each chance I get, I am there for lunch and a bit of heaven! The atmosphere is warm, cozy with a fresh attitude that is sure to please anyone! Especially “Lady Jane” who I always look forward to engaging in conversation with!
You can find this wonderful deli at: 502 West Main St. In Wautoma Wisconsin or call and order a lovely lunch to go: 920.787.2464
When as Divine and I am, you only want to experience total divinity on the plate in front of you...at The Farmer’s Market in Wautoma, WI.
So make a trip for the day or weekend, and if you need lodging, write to me and let me know, I can hook you up!
Remember, go out and find your own Divine Self!
So while on the F.O.Y. trip I find myself in Wautoma, Wisconsin, I know you are asking where the hell is that? I know I thought, where am I going to find me someone to park my car, address me as Divine Man, and seat me properly in the middle of no where at a fine dining establishment here? Well I stumbled upon this café called: The Farmer’s Market Deli. It is a cottage country chic inspired deli/café, perfect for breakfast and lunch. Whether you are in the area visiting family, staying at a local cottage/cabin, or on a mission like moi, The Farmer’s Market Deli is perfect. I have been there a number of times since spring(never found the F.O.Y.) and each time I go there for lunch I am always more then surprised by the new sandwich special, the wonderful funny service, and the way the owner(I have named her the Lady Jane Of the Farm Market) welcomes you in with open arms, and always remembers you. As if anyone would or could forget moi?
I was recently there for lunch, and Lady Jane was, like always more then generous to moi and my “mature” pal Brady. The menu is HUGE. Almost overwhelming your first time there! But in a wonderful way! There is salads, sandwiches: hot, grilled or cold. Each day there is house made soups, at least 3 or 4 daily and a deli you can order freshly made salads, dressings(the strawberry vinaigrette is the best) and the most wonderful guacamole that is refreshing, zesty and pleases the palette every time! One time moi and a GF bought 8 pounds of it!
Each chance I get, I am there for lunch and a bit of heaven! The atmosphere is warm, cozy with a fresh attitude that is sure to please anyone! Especially “Lady Jane” who I always look forward to engaging in conversation with!
You can find this wonderful deli at: 502 West Main St. In Wautoma Wisconsin or call and order a lovely lunch to go: 920.787.2464
When as Divine and I am, you only want to experience total divinity on the plate in front of you...at The Farmer’s Market in Wautoma, WI.
So make a trip for the day or weekend, and if you need lodging, write to me and let me know, I can hook you up!
Remember, go out and find your own Divine Self!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
What Day Is It?
I can not believe I forgot that yesterday was Tuesday. I feel just awful, and when Divine Man feels awful, well it is HIGH DRAMA! I want to apologize for being obviously out of my mind. Maybe it was from the long holiday weekend? Maybe it was because I was still feeling the afterglow from a wonderful weekend/long much needed overdue mini-vacation?
Now what you are going to read will shock you, maybe even make you laugh at the idea.
I spent last Thursday-Tuesday in the woods! Yes in the woods in a cabin. With the ticks, blood suckers, weeds, and I loved it! Although I must say in order to make this weekend work with my wardrobe I had to go down to the local thrift shop and find moi some flannels, hiking boots and overhauls.
So I came home with all my findings and preceded to cut and sew after a few minor adjustments. For example: I decided that if I were to get stranded in the woods I would want to be found my the search plane…so I attached red, silver and blue sequins all over the overalls that was I cut short, in case I meet someone out in the woods.
Then made a bandana out of one of my flannels and a matching man-purse. And last but not least I figured that if I was found dead after being bitten by rattle snakes or by mountain men(which normally I would be excited to meet) with big knives I thought I better make sure that I can be identified so I hand sewn my name “D-I-V-I-N-E M-A-N onto all my underwear with sequins, and was kinda difficult to do that on my thongs. But Divine Man did it!
So, I arrive at the cabin with my best friend and my pooch “Diva Girl” at 1:00pm. It was almost like that scene in Snow White when she discovers the cabin in the glade with the sun shining down through the tall pine, but this was minus the sun, and all the lonely little men that liked collecting gems. It was kinda rainy, overcast, but once I stepped out of my rig and onto the dirt, the sun came out! Guess wherever I go I bring sunshine or maybe it was the reflection of my sequined overalls?
Anyways, we get settled in, unpack, and prepare for an adventure filled weekend in the woods with bloodsuckers, horny mountain type men, and the peace and quiet!
So no matter where you go, you can always be you’re DIVINE SELF!
Now what you are going to read will shock you, maybe even make you laugh at the idea.
I spent last Thursday-Tuesday in the woods! Yes in the woods in a cabin. With the ticks, blood suckers, weeds, and I loved it! Although I must say in order to make this weekend work with my wardrobe I had to go down to the local thrift shop and find moi some flannels, hiking boots and overhauls.
So I came home with all my findings and preceded to cut and sew after a few minor adjustments. For example: I decided that if I were to get stranded in the woods I would want to be found my the search plane…so I attached red, silver and blue sequins all over the overalls that was I cut short, in case I meet someone out in the woods.
Then made a bandana out of one of my flannels and a matching man-purse. And last but not least I figured that if I was found dead after being bitten by rattle snakes or by mountain men(which normally I would be excited to meet) with big knives I thought I better make sure that I can be identified so I hand sewn my name “D-I-V-I-N-E M-A-N onto all my underwear with sequins, and was kinda difficult to do that on my thongs. But Divine Man did it!
So, I arrive at the cabin with my best friend and my pooch “Diva Girl” at 1:00pm. It was almost like that scene in Snow White when she discovers the cabin in the glade with the sun shining down through the tall pine, but this was minus the sun, and all the lonely little men that liked collecting gems. It was kinda rainy, overcast, but once I stepped out of my rig and onto the dirt, the sun came out! Guess wherever I go I bring sunshine or maybe it was the reflection of my sequined overalls?
Anyways, we get settled in, unpack, and prepare for an adventure filled weekend in the woods with bloodsuckers, horny mountain type men, and the peace and quiet!
So no matter where you go, you can always be you’re DIVINE SELF!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Edge Of Darkness
While living in my Queen Anne in “small town America” I accepted a position at a “au natural” beauty parlor….yep just another one of my talents. What started out positive soon turned into just another nightmare. I guess I was not “divine” enough or maybe was too “divine?” I was treated…wait strike that. I was dismissed by the owners and the staff. Never felt like I was apart of the team, no matter how I tried to “fit in.” In fact, one of the girls hired me to coordinate her wedding reception décor and florals. However after 3 months of my planning, design prep work, I found out that she had hired another designer. And happen to forget to tell me. Her memory must have been shot, because everyone else was invited to her shot-gun wedding but I.
A long story short, they made me feel like the crap under their shoes. The comments, the sneering glares from their clients, the whispers that stopped whenever I would walk in, the rudeness they portrayed to my clients, and how they sabotaged my existence.
While employed there, my emotions and thoughts turned into depression, lack of self worth, I found myself breaking down, yelling, asking God to end my life. I was unable to pay bills, take care of myself or Diva Girl(the pooch). Waking up each morning was something I hoped would not happen. The pain of how they treated me had shattered my spirit. I remember one night in November, my best friend was with me at home, and I fell completely apart, each piece of my frail existence crumbled all around me, or what was left of myself. Which now was a hurt, devastated, and saddened person who was once full of life and passion. I felt as if I could not continue in the pain anymore. I did not want to. All I did was cry, ask over and over again…”why and how could they treat someone like this.” I left the house in a rage of pain and tears. It was chilly out, but I don’t even recall feeling the cool air on my bare arms as I ran to the river. All I could think was “end the pain finally.”
I stood there looking at the rippling cold water below me, staring off into the darkness that had engulfed my life. The darkness that I was going to surrender myself to. And as I went to step off into the rapids of escape it was then at that last step before death…a strong hand grabbed my arm. Not just one hand but two hands.
Just remember, you are never truly alone, no one is. When death looks like your only chance for peace, look inside yourself, pull the strength from the pain and darkness and embrace it. There is power in numbers, let it set you free.
Always know, that I am living proof that inner strength is real, that survivors are made everyday, and that not even the worst of times is worth you ending your existence.
I mean if I were toes up, what would you have to read?
Divine Man signing off…
When you do find your divine self, go out
A long story short, they made me feel like the crap under their shoes. The comments, the sneering glares from their clients, the whispers that stopped whenever I would walk in, the rudeness they portrayed to my clients, and how they sabotaged my existence.
While employed there, my emotions and thoughts turned into depression, lack of self worth, I found myself breaking down, yelling, asking God to end my life. I was unable to pay bills, take care of myself or Diva Girl(the pooch). Waking up each morning was something I hoped would not happen. The pain of how they treated me had shattered my spirit. I remember one night in November, my best friend was with me at home, and I fell completely apart, each piece of my frail existence crumbled all around me, or what was left of myself. Which now was a hurt, devastated, and saddened person who was once full of life and passion. I felt as if I could not continue in the pain anymore. I did not want to. All I did was cry, ask over and over again…”why and how could they treat someone like this.” I left the house in a rage of pain and tears. It was chilly out, but I don’t even recall feeling the cool air on my bare arms as I ran to the river. All I could think was “end the pain finally.”
I stood there looking at the rippling cold water below me, staring off into the darkness that had engulfed my life. The darkness that I was going to surrender myself to. And as I went to step off into the rapids of escape it was then at that last step before death…a strong hand grabbed my arm. Not just one hand but two hands.
Just remember, you are never truly alone, no one is. When death looks like your only chance for peace, look inside yourself, pull the strength from the pain and darkness and embrace it. There is power in numbers, let it set you free.
Always know, that I am living proof that inner strength is real, that survivors are made everyday, and that not even the worst of times is worth you ending your existence.
I mean if I were toes up, what would you have to read?
Divine Man signing off…
When you do find your divine self, go out
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
A Charming Spirit II
The movie begins, and as my pooch and I begin to engage into the flick, outside the shadows come alive and the wind starts to bellow it’s tired yet intense cries. Cries of darkness, hollow echoes that can raise the hair on my arms, neck, legs and even my buttocks.
As I am sitting there wrapped in my glistening red robe edged with black and red feathers, my white Jackie o’s atop my luscious locks of chocolate mocha brown splendor, my eyes are widening and my heart is pounding faster, and faster as my perky lips part in utter terror at what is displayed in front of my baby blues….
What the hell? I am hearing sparks, popping noise…so I turn and look only to find that the tea light candle thingy behind me is shooting off sparks and the flames are rather LARGE. So I jump from the couch and wonder…”what would Macgyver do?” so I turn to go into the kitchen to get something to put these flames out. Water…YES…water, if Dorothy could melt a witch with it, I should be able to put out some flames with it as well! So I get a pail of water and emerge back into the room of flames and terror….the tv room. The flames are bigger now, the pooch is barking, there is smoke and the girl is dying on the boob tube, in that moment I throw the water and as it splashes onto the tea light candle thingy the flames shoot up to the ceiling(10 ft. high) and sparks fly wildly and the entire glass hurricane surrounding this inferno shatters and explodes. In this moment I throw my perfect body to the floor and scream!
The smoke has cleared, the flames are gone, there is glass and wax all over the floor and the girl is still toes up in the movie, but at this point she is now an angry ghost.
I clean the debris up and pour myself an even stiffer libation. Upon retiring for the evening, I grab some garlic cloves, a smudge stick, and a big knife. As I ascend up the grand staircase, my robe trickling behind my, and the pooch hot on my heels towards my chambers. We very quietly tiptoe through each room upstairs turning on each light, scanning the rooms for shadows that don’t belong.
Finally all is calm, and I can finally fall into bed and rest in a slumber of tranquility and peace.
Sometimes we can’t always see what is right in front of us, sometimes…we have to rely on our senses, our “gut” instinct.
And remember…Go out and find your own Divine Self! And Shine!
As I am sitting there wrapped in my glistening red robe edged with black and red feathers, my white Jackie o’s atop my luscious locks of chocolate mocha brown splendor, my eyes are widening and my heart is pounding faster, and faster as my perky lips part in utter terror at what is displayed in front of my baby blues….
What the hell? I am hearing sparks, popping noise…so I turn and look only to find that the tea light candle thingy behind me is shooting off sparks and the flames are rather LARGE. So I jump from the couch and wonder…”what would Macgyver do?” so I turn to go into the kitchen to get something to put these flames out. Water…YES…water, if Dorothy could melt a witch with it, I should be able to put out some flames with it as well! So I get a pail of water and emerge back into the room of flames and terror….the tv room. The flames are bigger now, the pooch is barking, there is smoke and the girl is dying on the boob tube, in that moment I throw the water and as it splashes onto the tea light candle thingy the flames shoot up to the ceiling(10 ft. high) and sparks fly wildly and the entire glass hurricane surrounding this inferno shatters and explodes. In this moment I throw my perfect body to the floor and scream!
The smoke has cleared, the flames are gone, there is glass and wax all over the floor and the girl is still toes up in the movie, but at this point she is now an angry ghost.
I clean the debris up and pour myself an even stiffer libation. Upon retiring for the evening, I grab some garlic cloves, a smudge stick, and a big knife. As I ascend up the grand staircase, my robe trickling behind my, and the pooch hot on my heels towards my chambers. We very quietly tiptoe through each room upstairs turning on each light, scanning the rooms for shadows that don’t belong.
Finally all is calm, and I can finally fall into bed and rest in a slumber of tranquility and peace.
Sometimes we can’t always see what is right in front of us, sometimes…we have to rely on our senses, our “gut” instinct.
And remember…Go out and find your own Divine Self! And Shine!
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