Moi’s life has been rather crazy, turned upside down, and full of all the elements that make a good story! I will share:
“Picture It” a lovely December morning…the birds are chirping away their happy tune, the sun is shining the grass is green, the palms trees are rustling, and Moi is looking ever more devastatingly beautiful(if that is even possible?) enjoying a glass from freshly squeezed orange juice from between the breasts of my housekeeper, Rosalita! As I sip my juice, nibble on some fruit and look at myself in the mirror I think to myself “am I all packed, do I have all I need for the voyage Home?” This is the day I return home on my Boeing 727-700 Jet. It’s not much, just a 100 passenger aircraft. Moi has decided to fly “home” for the holiday instead of arriving there in my red limo. Thinking that by flying I would save my perfect booty from going flat after 2 long days in the limo. This way it would be perfectly round when I land and are greeted by Tulips and Big Daddy. Ok and some fans!
So my pal Brady gases up the ole’ limo and carries my bags(all 10 of them) to the trunk. Moi being so lovely, looking fabulous beyond comprehension wearing a red velvet jump suit, with fur trim, zipped up just below my perky tatas, my see-through white t-top exposing my bronzed flawless skin and my chiseled pecs. On my feet I went with red and white walkers and a “holiday” European shoulder bag…oh and ever so faithful white Jackie-O’s!
Moi arrives at the airport, checks in and heads to the gate. You know, for the life of Moi, I can not figure out why people are so upset with this new “frisking search thing” at the airports. Some of these people should be happy that someone even wants to touch them like that. Moi was eagerly awaiting my “frisk and search” and guess what? Not a thing happened. No one frisked Moi! What a let down.
As Moi is standing around waiting for my flight number to be called so I can board the jet, Moi notices a man walking past a few times, always making eye contact, and smiling. So I decide…”what the hell, I might as well as be nice and say HELLO” so I do just that. We embark on a rather enjoyable conversation about…Moi nonetheless. After a stiff one at the airport bar, we board the plane only to discover we are sitting next to each other. What are the odds?
Now, Moi must explain something: I am not a fan of flying. Even though my life requires me to do so often, Moi just is not a fan of the take off or the landing. So I always make sure I have a travel companion. Well my new found flying friend, Jonah is trying to distract my mind and stomach from the take off my massaging my feet and talking to Moi. Take off is good. The flight is smooth and we finally land. And to show my appreciation I exchange email addy’s and #’s with Jonah and offer to have my driver take him to his destination.
While being driven “home” I recall the flight and realize that Jonah was doing his best to hold my hand multiple times on the plane. And I fear he has fallen in love with Moi(which happens all the time) and think “how did he get the wrong impression?”
Moi finally arrives home and has my housekeeper(Hans) unpack all 10 pieces of luggage and mix me a dirty martini. As I sit in my plush throne and sort through my emails, fan letters, and messages Moi begins to wonder…why is all my new furniture still here? And why has the mover not come to collect Moi’s things to transport to my winter retreat in paradise? Well it is late and I decide to retire for the evening and crawl into my beloved bed and snuggle in.
This morning before Moi even flutters my eyes open, the telly rings. When I finally get to the telly and look at the missed call…Moi thinks that the number looks familiar. A few hours later the telly rings again. And as I stare at the number I think ummm…can it be? It must be Jonah. And why in the hell is he calling Moi so early…and 2 times? Naturally I think he must be another stalker. This always happens to Moi, I meet someone everywhere I go. And they always fall in love with Moi. Which is easy to understand why. After all Moi is perfect!
Again the phone rings and Moi has decided…I have to let him down gently. So I answer the telly…Hello Jonah, YOU need to listen before speaking. I enjoyed meeting you and talking, the foot rub was nice, as was the shoulder massage and carrying my European hand bag and throwing your coat on the ground so I would not dirty my shoes, but you have to move on, forget we met, it was just a flight, nothing more then that. Please understand…
And the caller replies: Divine Man…this is Barry the mover! When shall I come over and collect your things for transport to paradise? Oh by the way, I like you but you really are not my type!
It pays to program your movers name and number into your telly. Just remember you are divine, even in a most embarrassing situation!
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